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Don't know what to do - please help!!!!

(13 Posts)
Chiggers Sun 31-Mar-13 14:04:56

I'm not sure what to do so I'd appreciate any advice.

My relationship with my mum is all one sided and strained. She doesn't call round and on the DC's birthday, she didn't even pick up the phone to wish them a happy birthday. That hurt big time and made me angry as it said to me that she didn't care enough to speak to the DC.

Recently my mum was told that she had raised Ca125 levels. A bit of research told me that some other conditions can raise tose levels, such as cirrhosis, ovarian cysts and a few other things. My younger brother rang me to tell me this (that the CA125 levels were raised) and then went on about how mum went without to make sure we were fed and generally trying to pile on the emotional blackmail. After I got off the phone, I thought that it was fundamental that any parent would be expected to go without to make sure their kids were fed. When I say fundamental, I mean on the same parenting level as changing nappies or keeping your DC clean, adequately fed and watered. It's just something that any half-decent parent wouldn't think twice about if they had that choice to make.

I'm wondering if IABU, but I don't see why my DC's relationship with their gran should be based on them having to do all the running.

Again, any advice is appreciated.

Chiggers Sun 31-Mar-13 14:06:50

Meant to say that my mum could polish off a 700ml bottle of brandy in 2-3 days, so I'm wondering if the heavy drinking is what raised those levels.

cjel Sun 31-Mar-13 14:45:29

I don't know about the medical things, but if you feel hurt by your mum then they are valid feelings. I don't know IUABU but your feelings towards her are yours. Would you consider getting some counselling to help you process all these thoughts? If your mother is ill it would be dreadful if it led to having feelings of guilt later on. Is your brother suggesting that your DCs should visit DM on their birthday and because she fed and looked after you it is now your turn to give to her?

Chiggers Sun 31-Mar-13 15:55:08

Thanks for your reply cjel. Mum has form for banging on about how much she loves her GC, yet never makes any effort. My brother bangs on about how much she did for us (going without so we were fed etc), but that's parenting and IMHO, that's what parenting is about...........making sure your DC get what they need and doing without to make it so.

cjel Sun 31-Mar-13 16:20:57

Couldn't agree more. I have 2dcs 30 and 28 and five gcs They have their own keys for my place,and I had them over for tea and egg hunt on Friday and roast and egg hunt tom. My oldest 12 yr old gd comes to me one day a week after school. theyall come at least one day a week in holidays. I babysit, take some to toddlers, they cook, paint, garden and do craft with me. My son who has 3 children and just finished another degree has just moved in( And when I asked my 3yr old dgd what I was going to do now daddy was going to live with them said'You'll have to have breakfast on your own now nanny' because their mum used to bring her and her baby brother in most mornings) with them so his room is already the playroom!!! You're family are missing out if they see being a parent and grandparent as a chore not pleasure and privilege.You have right idea and your dc will benefit from having such a lovely mum. I'd still try the counselling though?

Chiggers Sun 31-Mar-13 17:20:17

I suppose the good in all this is to look at my mum and learn how not to be a GP.

As for telling me what my mum went without so that we had, well, I couldn't throw that back in my kids faces.

I don't know if this is relevant, but mum's older sons were ordered by the family court to go live with their dad. Mum had plenty of opportunities to appeal the decision but she never bothered. My SB's asked me to give mum their address and phone number and to ask her to get in contact. Again, she never bothered.

I really don't know what type of mother would not fight to get her kids back or even to have access to them. When I look back, it makes me realise that my mum cannot be bothered to keep in contact. And if she couldn't be bothered to fight for access to her 2 oldest DC, then it makes me wonder why I think anything will be different with us.

Tortington Sun 31-Mar-13 17:28:08

you must seperate your relationship with your mum and your childrens relationship with their gran.

You know how much you love your children - so much it hurts? well your mum loves you like that.

The love for grandchildren is a different love. she loves them. but not how you love them.

I think this is the most painful realisation i ever had about my mum. and DHs parents.

Mr children are all grown and i haven't got any grandchildren, when or it i do - i will love them, but not with the all consuming intensity that i love my children.

so you have two choices - accept this is the way it is - live with it and carry on,

or don't.

the latter will cause bad feeling - My Mum did the same thing, I fell out with her and didn't speak to her for years becuase she didn't send a birthday card - but that was the symptom of wider general rubbishness - so not just that alone.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 31-Mar-13 17:53:45

cjel that really is a lovely post. Quite a few on MN would give their eye teeth to have a mother or mil like you!

Chiggers - Your mother's track record is appalling. As hard as it is to face, why would you think your mother would care about her DGC when she in effect abandoned her very own sons.

It is very sad when innocent GC miss out on having a good relationship with a GP, but there isn't a lot you can do about it. To fill the void, could you focus more on other family members instead?

Chiggers Sun 31-Mar-13 18:04:04

Thanks for your reply Custardo I'm not expecting my mum to have an an "I love you so much it hurts" type of love for the DC. I would just like her to have enough respect for our DC to even phone them and wish them a happy birthday. Is that too much to ask. I don't care about birthday cards or presents, just a little respect for our DC goes a long way. I'm using the birthdays as an example, but there are other things mum has done besides that.

I find it hard to articulate how I feel most of the time and the last time I went to a counsellor about the same thing, I completely shut down and talked about other annoyances. I just feel that I can't talk to a professional about it.

cjel Sun 31-Mar-13 18:34:55

The hardest thing to do is to get to the real issue in counselling isn't it. I spent months skirting round the real problem and when it finally did come out it was sooo painful. Much better once it was out and dealt with though. Hardest thing in your case is that its your precious DCs that you want to have an ideal granny, they deserve it and you find it hard to understand why she won't. trouble is she doesn't seem capable of loving really does she?

Tortington Sun 31-Mar-13 20:39:40

not too much at all - as i said, i didn't speak to my mum for years over the very same thing

Chiggers Mon 01-Apr-13 08:09:35

Thanks for your replies ladies, they're very much appreciated smile.

I'm having a brew and was wondering if anyone cared to join me in mulling this problem over?

I suppose it the lack of effort that gets to me. I don't care if she never speaks to me again, but I hoped my DC wouldn't be treated in the same way. Sorry to drip feed, I forgot to mention that my mum will fawn all over my neices, but practically turns her back when we go around to see her. I'm not jealous. I'm pretty glad my neices have a good relationship with my mum, but she makes out that she loves my 2, yet rarely interacts with them.

I went round last Monday and I found out that mum wouldn't have given the DC anything for their birthday (not that it bothers me anyway), but my dad insisted on treating all GC the same. My dad is lovely BTW, and he dotes on me being the only DD and his GC and DH and he has seen how happy I am with DH. Sometimes I think he tried to make up for the lack of love mum has for me. Believe me, I have tried to be kind and loving to my mum, but that affection and love gets rebuffed time and again.

I know it sound like I'm picking at the bad things and not the good, but I'm standing back and looking at the situation from neutral territory, as if I was observing and talking to someone else in the same situation IYSWIM. I've been observing the differences in her treatment of each of us over the years since the DC were born.

Even my older and youngest DB's have noticed the way mum treats me and my DC, but although I should probably speak to her about it, I feel that it would cause more trouble than what it's actually worth.

Anyway, will be back later as I've ambulance duty to do today. Thanks again for your replies ladies and keep them coming as I would like different opinions of the situation smile.

cjel Mon 01-Apr-13 10:11:23

Chiggers. Am rushing out myself today but will be back later.

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