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Toxic school mum-any advice please

(17 Posts)
niddy Wed 27-Mar-13 20:03:49

I wonder if anyone can help me with a mum I'm struggling with. There is friction between our DD's who are in reception. Basically she has contacted me twice out of school time regarding behaviour of my child hurting hers. This was obviously very upsetting and I basically believed the incident had happened and came down very heavy on my DD. I'm told very little about what goes on at school so feel I'm working blind my end and this isn't helping communication between my DD and myself.

I have been reassured by the school that her behaviour is as expected at this age and no better or worse than any other child in the class and been advised to tell this mum to approach the school should there be any further problems which I did. I was assured they would let me know if there was any behaviour issues they felt I needed to know about and have heard nothing via the school so assume they are not concerned about anything.

However she approached me again about something else and I have since witnessed some nasty things her daughter has said to mine and understand why she has been reacting in such an out of character way to her. This I shared calmly with her stating I believe it is half of one and half of the other and we have to trust the teachers in school to deal with what happens in school time and work together as adults to support our kids.

I've since been aware of other mums withdrawing from me and am aware she is spewing this all over facebook without names, but this is a small village school...

I'm doing my best to be dignified and grown up about this and trusting they will all learn in time that she is being unreasonable, but I'm finding it harder to keep control and she is filling my headspace too much!

Sorry to go on, this has been going on for some time now. Any one else had this?

jungletoes Wed 27-Mar-13 20:06:06

I think you've handled it really well. Unfortunately you may have to grow a thicker skin for a while. Keep your chin up and don't let them get to you. xx

niddy Wed 27-Mar-13 20:26:12

Thanks Jungletoes...deep breaths ahead!

lovesherdogstoomuch Wed 27-Mar-13 20:33:47

omg The Schoolgate! been a long time since i've done it but there are some nutters out there. you sound like a nice lady who is trying to do the right thing. i wouldn't. hindsight and all that. confront her. otherwise she'll carry on slagging you off behind your back. be prepared though to find out things about your child. my heart goes out to you. good luck.

tallwivglasses Wed 27-Mar-13 20:45:08

If you're anything like me you won't want to confront her but I think maybe a chat to the head with the possibility of a meeting between you, the head, the teacher and toxic mummy might be the best way forward. whoever is telling you about the Facebook comments get them to take screenshots.

I'd go so far as having an informal chat with the police as well. show this sad cow she chose the wrong person to pick on.

I speak from experience

brettgirl2 Wed 27-Mar-13 20:51:18

I think that this type of thing shows you who your real friends are. Chin up wink

olivertheoctopus Wed 27-Mar-13 20:56:03

Sounds hideous. I would speak to the school and see what they can suggest.

whataboutbob Wed 27-Mar-13 21:17:16

Don t have any advice as I am fairly rubbish at school politics. Just sending my support. Stay true to yourself, and at the end of the day it s your daughter you have to support, not some ideal of fairness. Keep your dignity and eventually this woman will be seen for the toxic shit stirrer she is.

BerylStreep Wed 27-Mar-13 21:56:43

I agree with Tallwivglasses about approaching the head, and getting screen shots.

I wouldn't get into any more direct conversation with her, as it will just give her ammunition. If she approaches you with another grievance, try smiling, looking her in the eye and saying 'oh, I'm sorry to hear that, have you spoken to the school about it? No? Well I suggest you do that as it is what the school requested.' Keep it lighthearted and don't get drawn in.

TBH I'm not sure it would be something the police would involve themselves with, unless it escalated.

She does sound like a bully though.

niddy Wed 27-Mar-13 21:57:40

Thank you for all of your posts. Really appreciate your feedback and take it on board. School aware and head was in meeting (unexpectedly!) with teacher who assured me all normal stuff, in fact I was left feeling like a bit of a neurotic mum!

I would love to go to town on this woman, but realise it would probably be unhelpful and have to tolerate her like it or not for the best part of the next ten years...something give me strength!! Glass of wine anyone?!

CarnivorousPanda Wed 27-Mar-13 22:06:15

Definitely speak to the school. I would be showing them the facebook evidence as well.

Keep well away from this woman, I would not engage with her any more than absolutely necessary.

AllOverIt Wed 27-Mar-13 22:09:53

I agree with everything said above. Don't engage, refer her to the school.

Ignore other mums who distance themselves. Either the just don't want to get involved, and are just distancing themselves. Or they're dicks and not worth worrying about.

JustinBsMum Wed 27-Mar-13 22:56:34

There used to often be friction in school towards the end of the school year (although I do hear that this has gone on a while), so it might all fizzle out over the summer hols and be forgotten about next year.

However, just in case she is a nutter get the screen shots and store them away and log all that has happened (who has said what, when, including teachers) in case it blows up in the future.

It won't be such a worry if you feel you are 'ready' to deal with any further hassle.

BerylStreep Wed 27-Mar-13 23:15:15

I must say I have never felt the need to speak to another parent about their child's behaviour - not that children don't get into scraps and arguments, but because it is such a futile thing to do.

sofaday Thu 28-Mar-13 00:17:07

My line is 'please contact the school not me'. I've had to say this to 2 mums over the years. If whatever they are upset about is happening at school no amount of talking about it will help. One particular incident was caught on cctv and it turned out my DD had done nothing wrong and had it fact helped the child in question. Let the school sort things, they've seen it all before.

tallwivglasses Thu 28-Mar-13 00:51:48

About the police - you could just log it, ask for their advice. They won't do anything but if it does escalate, they'll have had prior warning. When I mentioned a particular mother to a policewoman the eye-roll said it all - she was obviously very well-known down the cop shop. I just felt a bit safer afterwards.

BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz Thu 28-Mar-13 22:12:47

if she is trashing u on fb, she will look like a bitch while u will look merrily oblivious or dignified in silence.

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