Am I being too harsh?

[CocoNutter]

I have a new job in a new area, so DH and I are (as of last week) living apart - I'm staying with friends. We've just bought a new house in the area that I will move into shortly. DH is still in his old job in old area, as he's not managed to find something near me yet, which he's currently trying to do.

I'm getting incredibly frustrated with his job hunt. To be fair to him, hardly anything in his line of work has come up recently, but I also don't think he's trying hard enough to maximise his chances. He said he wants my help with it, as I'm generally much better at job applications (I'm a pedant, and he loses interest very quickly), and he's told me many times that he really appreciates my help. I've suggested extra things he can do to maximise his chances of getting a job, like signing up with employment agencies as well as just searching for vacancies, being proactive with contacting people, and setting up a meeting with his boss to outline what he's achieved so that he gets a good reference (his is about 85% good, but he needs to sort out with his boss an error he made which is currently affecting it. I've suggested he write down everything he's done to rectify the mistake - which was over two years ago now - and what he's done to ensure it won't happen again, and then meet his boss about it).

He says he thinks I'm criticising him all the time. I really don't mean to do this, but I'm getting so fed up of him making excuses - haven't got enough time, it's too late to start it now, I'll do it tomorrow, I don't know how to start, etc etc. I worked my butt off to get my new job and I feel like he's not putting in the same effort.

Am I a heartless cow? I want him to be happy and I know he won't be until he gets a job near me (and neither will I!), but being asked for help and then having it completely ignored is getting on my wick!!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I can understand your frustration but, if he's finding your intervention annoying or critical, I think you have to take a big step back, let him deal with the problem in his own way and be encouraging rather than try to manage. 'You can lead a horse to water... ' etc. It may take him longer to get to the same outcome but it will be a price worth paying if it means you move on together minus the resentment.

[LessMissAbs]

Has he always been quite an unmotivated sort of person?

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

You are very unsettled at the moment, but perhap you'll feel better when you move into your new house.

It is hard when one partner is more "can do" and has a better aptitude for work/career, and then when you aren't helping you are not being supportive, when you are giving feedback it is criticism.

Can you afford to pay the mortgage and move in without him there? i would discuss time frames around his ideal job, versus any job for him to relocate.

[NessieMcFessie]

He sounds like my DH. We are trying to find new jobs at the moment and I am way more motivated than him. It isn't that he doesn't want to, he just does things differently to me. It is very frustrating. I offer all kinds of help and it just leads to an argument because he says I am nagging him!

To be fair - I probably am nagging him, in a not-so-stealthy way.

So my advice (which I must follow) is to step back and let him do it - just as Cogito says. In the long-run it will be much better for your relationship.