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Make a plan, bide my time & leave or try & make him see how stupid this is?

(90 Posts)
HavingAnOffDAy Fri 22-Mar-13 10:23:36

OK, I'll try not to dripfeed. DH can be EA - nasty personal comments, he's made me feel I've never been good enough etc. He belittles me in front of the DC & is very shouty. He admits he is always quick to lose his temper.

It got to the point last Friday where we had a make or break discussion - he doesn't see that he can be wrong, but as I'm so hard to live with hmm he agreed that he couldn't continue with things as they are. We agreed to make the effort over the weekend to stop our usual reactions to each other & try & get along. It worked OK. There has been the odd 'see this what I hate about you' when I've reacted to things, one of which was getting teary when I had a message from a friend saying her baby will be stillborn next week due to it having chromosomal abnormalities. Surely anyone with any compassion would be sad about that?

I got home from work at 6 last night & DS (2) wanted to go for a walk, so I got my coat back on & took him out for 10 mins. Got back & sat DS on the worktop, directly in front of me, while I made a coffee. DS 'helped' & started playing with a bit of pasta that DH had left in a pan. He was making a mess with it but really nothing that couldn't be cleared away with a bit of kitchen roll in 2 minutes.

DH took exception to this - one of his 'things' is how messy I am. I'm not messy at all - just not as obsessed with housework as he is.

To keep the peace I asked him to watch DS/take him off the worktop while I cleaned it up.

His response was 'No - we've been perfectly fine & tidy until you came home - you sort it out'. I asked him again to just take DS so I could sort it out & he started again saying no, how I'm so messy, it was all tidy til I came home etc etc.

I & tried to explain that I couldn't leave DS where he was, while I got the stuff to clean round with but got shouted over again, with some stupid comment about how 'good' it was of me to take DS for a walk when I got in.

God, this is so petty written down!

I know I need to separate from him. Ideally I'd like him to move out but he refusues, saying he'd never let the kids with me when I'm such a mess, why should he hand over everything he's worked hard for blah blah.

I don't want anything from him other than what I'm entitled to through building up whilst we've been married (13 years)

I've offered to go to a solicitor with him & arrange an mutually agreed settlement - I just get snidy comments about how I'd screw him into the ground as I'm such a money grabber.

I've worked full time throughout our marriage, with the exception or 2 x Mat Leave for the DC of 1 year each.

This is such a pointless rant - I just wanted to get it down.

Should I just bide my time now, see a solicitor & make a plan to end it or is it worth trying to get him to see how petty & silly he's being?

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 01:31:01

Channel that anger. Aim for the steely sort of anger.

Are friends or parents a short term possibility? this would at least give you headspace and time to think.

HavingAnOffDAy Tue 02-Apr-13 06:55:46

Unfortunately not Silvery, jobs took us away from family & close friends a few years ago.

Friends we've made in the area are fab, but not that type of friend IYKWIM.

I work so am out of the house today. I will use that time wisely!

I wonder what he hopes to achieve? Asides from the obvious, what is his ultimate goal in all this? hmm

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 08:25:06

I suspect even he doesn't know. It is a pattern so ingrained in them that in many cases they hardly notice they are doing it. sad (IMHO and experience of one EA relationship it isn't really a choice they make, as many seem to think. They are superior and know best, the rest follows.

thatsnotmynamereally Tue 02-Apr-13 08:43:38

Silvery very true, it's something I've spent a lot of time pondering as well.

Good luck detaching Having - don't let him spoil good times with DC!

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Tue 02-Apr-13 09:33:56

Op, the scales have fallen from your eyes, and you are planning your exit from this relationship, excellent news!

You are halfway there now that you have detached from him and see much of his behaviour as laughable.

I wish you strength to do what needs to be done.

HavingAnOffDAy Tue 02-Apr-13 10:10:13

In the past he has had moments of clarity where he's admitted that the way he speaks to me is no better than if he were beating me.

It's just his total lack of empathy that I find hurtful.

In the past he has used adult chat sites, trawled the web looking for hookers, etc

Yesterday I mentioned that I had found an email address belonging to him, and seen evidence that he'd been visiting chat sites again.

That's when he really blew up, calling me fat & stupid, telling me he didn't care that I'd seen that stuff.

Then sulking at me when I got home.

This morning he tried to blame DD's tantrum for us falling out hmm

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Tue 02-Apr-13 11:37:03

He. Has. To. Go.

HavingAnOffDAy Tue 02-Apr-13 11:56:28

I know. Getting him out us another matter though. I'm at a loss as to how to physically get him out

Lueji Tue 02-Apr-13 14:20:27

Talk to a solicitor.

HavingAnOffDAy Tue 02-Apr-13 15:03:54

If I can find a solicitor that does a free consultation how much will they actually cover with me re my specific situation in that session?

HavingAnOffDAy Tue 02-Apr-13 15:04:47

I can have lots of financial info to hand & would rather do specifics than general stuff IYKWIM

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 05-Apr-13 19:50:14

I think they may be able to cover a fair bit seeing as you seem to have the facts at your fingertips. What I did was to read up about possible ways divorce could go on the Resolution website, before I consulted a sol (who I found by looking at the site).

Also think hard about what you would like to end up with at end of divorce, this gives you an aim (even if it turns out not to be possible in the event)

mixedmamameansbusiness Fri 05-Apr-13 20:34:20

I could be the OP. I am planning on going back to work precisely do that I can get the funds together.

I have started keeping a log of his behaviour too.

HavingAnOffDAy Fri 12-Apr-13 17:55:22

So today, during a row he instigated and called me a serial liar as I said I couldn't see any puddles, he says 'most women in your position would wonder if they were responsible'

Thinking he was talking about us not getting on I said I never blamed him 100% as I do argue with him since I'm sick of taking his shit.

Turns out he was referring to him using prostitutes confusedconfusedconfused

Fucking hell, there is truly no hope

PottedPlant Sat 13-Apr-13 13:55:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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