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Make a plan, bide my time & leave or try & make him see how stupid this is?

(90 Posts)
HavingAnOffDAy Fri 22-Mar-13 10:23:36

OK, I'll try not to dripfeed. DH can be EA - nasty personal comments, he's made me feel I've never been good enough etc. He belittles me in front of the DC & is very shouty. He admits he is always quick to lose his temper.

It got to the point last Friday where we had a make or break discussion - he doesn't see that he can be wrong, but as I'm so hard to live with hmm he agreed that he couldn't continue with things as they are. We agreed to make the effort over the weekend to stop our usual reactions to each other & try & get along. It worked OK. There has been the odd 'see this what I hate about you' when I've reacted to things, one of which was getting teary when I had a message from a friend saying her baby will be stillborn next week due to it having chromosomal abnormalities. Surely anyone with any compassion would be sad about that?

I got home from work at 6 last night & DS (2) wanted to go for a walk, so I got my coat back on & took him out for 10 mins. Got back & sat DS on the worktop, directly in front of me, while I made a coffee. DS 'helped' & started playing with a bit of pasta that DH had left in a pan. He was making a mess with it but really nothing that couldn't be cleared away with a bit of kitchen roll in 2 minutes.

DH took exception to this - one of his 'things' is how messy I am. I'm not messy at all - just not as obsessed with housework as he is.

To keep the peace I asked him to watch DS/take him off the worktop while I cleaned it up.

His response was 'No - we've been perfectly fine & tidy until you came home - you sort it out'. I asked him again to just take DS so I could sort it out & he started again saying no, how I'm so messy, it was all tidy til I came home etc etc.

I & tried to explain that I couldn't leave DS where he was, while I got the stuff to clean round with but got shouted over again, with some stupid comment about how 'good' it was of me to take DS for a walk when I got in.

God, this is so petty written down!

I know I need to separate from him. Ideally I'd like him to move out but he refusues, saying he'd never let the kids with me when I'm such a mess, why should he hand over everything he's worked hard for blah blah.

I don't want anything from him other than what I'm entitled to through building up whilst we've been married (13 years)

I've offered to go to a solicitor with him & arrange an mutually agreed settlement - I just get snidy comments about how I'd screw him into the ground as I'm such a money grabber.

I've worked full time throughout our marriage, with the exception or 2 x Mat Leave for the DC of 1 year each.

This is such a pointless rant - I just wanted to get it down.

Should I just bide my time now, see a solicitor & make a plan to end it or is it worth trying to get him to see how petty & silly he's being?

Lueji Fri 22-Mar-13 16:27:50

If he is to change, I think a visit to a solicitor and asking him to move out might be the only thing to do it, sadly.

But you'll have to get the ball moving yourself. Say, present him with divorce papers, and with what your solicitor thinks would be a fair agreement.

HavingAnOffDAy Fri 22-Mar-13 16:28:01

FarBetter thanks for your perspective. I have often thought how my mum would feel if she knew about what's going on.

I also know how crappy I'd feel if it was DD hmm

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 16:41:21

So why are you less deserving of respect ?

HavingAnOffDAy Fri 22-Mar-13 16:52:19

I'm not, I've just been brainwashed into thinking his behaviour is acceptable.

These boards have made me realise otherwise - thank God

EggyFucker Fri 22-Mar-13 16:54:39


Hissy Fri 22-Mar-13 22:04:58

What you are about to do is hard. But it IS the only thing you can and have to do.

There really isn't any alternative.

he's not going to EVER stop this, he will in fact get WORSE. You owe it to yourself AND your DD to stop this terrible situation as soon as you can.

Yes it will take time, yes you will wonder where you are going to find the strength, yes you will be afraid.

But let me tell you something.... how long do you want to go on living like this? Where will you find the strength to to keep putting up with this, and aren't you afraid already of where this all will go.

Where it will go will be your DD repeating this in her own life.

Death by a million cuts would be a picnic in comparison.

Let me tell you what life is like once you DO get over the actually very small hurdle of leaving a twat like this.

It is GREAT. Even if things are financially tight for a bit, even if you are scared, or if you are grieving for the relationship you never had, nor were ever going to have, you will feel this strange conflicting lightness, this small seed of joy.

That's called HOPE. As long as you stay with this abusive man, neither you nor your DC have anything like hope for the future.

Focus on getting this horrid man away from you and your family. Stay fixed, resolute and determined.

Be honest with yourself at all times. remind yourself why you are doing this and even when you wobble (and you may do) remind yourself again.

or come ask us, we'll boot you up the bum remind you what you are doing and why.

You can do this. It's really NOT that hard when you look back on it. Trust me.

Hissy Fri 22-Mar-13 22:06:29

Have you popped by the Emotional Abuse thread, there are loads of links there to help support you.

Also lots of us that have walked where you are walking.

Buy Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That, if you haven't already. it will transform your thinking.

HavingAnOffDAy Sat 23-Mar-13 08:02:37

Thanks Hissy. I know I have to do this. I'm only in my mid thirties & don't want this for another 30+ years hmm

And I don't want it for the DCs either.

Now I know it's definitely the right thing I can cope with it better, make a real plan to minimise the pain for DC & then get on with things. The life I know I can have keeps me going.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 23-Mar-13 08:11:44


This has been about power and control; he wants absolute over you. Its likely too that either one or both his parents were and remain similar, such EA behaviour is often learnt.

He will likely be vindictive and unreasonable throughout the process of separation and will use this to further punish you. I would not willingly enter into any sort of mediation whatsoever.

Do read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

In the longer term when you are finally rid of his malign prescence in your day to day lives I would also suggest that you get yourself enrolled onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme. I suggest that as such emotionally abusive men can and do take years to recover from.

Bossybritches22 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:32:19

Good luck OP.

You are seeing the situation clearly & the time is right.

Have a look at what benefits you might be eligible for.

Huge step but one towards a better future!

HavingAnOffDAy Sat 23-Mar-13 08:47:48

Thank you. I looked at benefits etc a couple of weeks ago - something else that made me realise that a plan would be reality. We wouldn't have lots but we'd have enough.

His dad is the controlling one in his parents relationship. He sees that sometimes, but fails to recognise it in in himself.

MN has opened my eyes to lots over the last year - thank you ladies, your wisdom is amazing & gives me hope

SundaysGirl Sat 23-Mar-13 09:46:54

You know when I was reading your post and the comments it put me in mind of this poem. I'm totally not a poetry person by any stretch of the imagination but I feel this one applies to both those who lose themselves in another person and also who have their sense of self taken and masked by an abusive person. It really helped me after I was recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship.

I wonder if it will resonate with you?

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

(Derek Walcott)

HavingAnOffDAy Sat 23-Mar-13 12:43:06

SundaysGirl that is fab! Definitely strikes a chord - thank you

Lillia Sat 23-Mar-13 23:40:38

Havinganoffday, How are things with you now?

Hope your ok.

NorksAreMessy Sun 24-Mar-13 08:22:35

Already I can see you strengthening your resolve having.
You don't have to live like this, nor do your children.
We will help you

HavingAnOffDAy Sun 24-Mar-13 10:21:07

Yep, everyday more little things happen to strengthen my resolve. Nothing massive, just shit that I shouldn't have to put up with.

I'm doing ok Lillia - how about you?

He's still an arse but a manageable one when I know I can get away. And my gorgeous DCs helpsmile

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 25-Mar-13 09:00:20

More Fuck Wittery this weekend.

Tea time last night, I was wiping round as he was washing up. I asked him 4 or 5 times to rinse the dish cloth out for me. He completely ignored me. The last time I asked him I must've had an edge in my voice as I was getting pretty cheesed off.

He told me I should probably have been out & done some exercise over the weekend as it would have made me less irritable. My weight to him is a massive issue.

I'm a size 14 & 5'4. Obviously not tiny but definitely not as big as he sees me.

Another pathetic example but just something else that makes me think what a total dick head he is.

DaffodilAdams Mon 25-Mar-13 09:18:03

He is awful Havinganoffday. A miserable little bully. Just imagine what it would be like to be able to wipe up how you want, when you want without anyone criticising.

When you do split, I'll bet his house will be a mess!

Lovingfreedom Mon 25-Mar-13 09:34:43

it's not how big he sees's him playing on your insecurities and transferring your reasonable irritation at him not helping out, to something that is your 'fault'. My ex used to do similar when I fluctuated between size 8 and 10.

trustissues75 Mon 25-Mar-13 09:40:56

You've had some great advice here (and I must say well done to you for remaining calm and simply trying to stand you ground through all of this - I let mine drag me down, I let it all get to me and became a nagging whining temperamental cow and hated myself for it) I just wanted to say you most certainly aren't alone - he's not going to change so no point talking till you're blue in the face, and come join us on the EA thread if you'd like - we're a lovely bunch (I'm new on there)

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 25-Mar-13 09:48:20

You know, I remembered something on my drive in to work this morning...

About 3 years ago he announced he wanted to leave - move out & into a rented flat. He said he thought we'd got married too you, he needed to be free, blah blah. At the time I begged him to stay - what an idiot! That was before I had found MN.

Anyway, it turned out it was because he'd traced his ex on Facebook & wanted to re-kindle things with her.

I put up with about a week of shit from him before he finally confessed this was the reason. Then he turned round & blamed me for not telling as 'he knew I'd react badly & be angry'. Obviously this ensured that I hid my anger from him so as not to prove him 'right'. If I came close to being even mildly annoyed I'd get 'see, this is why I didn't want to tell you' crap from him hmm.

I don't know what happened but obviously she wasn't as keen as him as he came home one night & said he'd made a mistake & wanted to stay.

Why was I such an idiot? You know I'd give my right arm for him to say he was leaving us now sad.

trustissues75 Mon 25-Mar-13 09:50:14

Well, that was then, this is now. Don't despair. You're not alone. We're all here.

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 25-Mar-13 09:53:28

trustissues thank you.

I have been where you were & I've found that rising to it/becoming what he wants me to be just gives him more satisfaction & ammo to use against me later.

I spent the last 3 months or so being very withdrawn from him, not really engaging etc. It didn't do me or the DC's any good. It just reinforced his view that I'm a miserable cow & he was wrong to marry me in the first place.

By remaining calm & reasonably cheerful in front of him I can keep some control as he doesn't understand it [doh]

I actually just want to laugh as him as he's lost his control over me now - I see him for what he is. I just can't believe I fell for it in the first place!!

thatsnotmynamereally Mon 25-Mar-13 13:32:18

well done having for detaching... I can't offer any real advice as I am still in the process of planning my exit strategy (my kids are much older than yours) but after finding all the advice on this site I can now manage H (and more importantly my responses to H) much better. So sad for you to have to go through this as you sound like a lovely thoughtful mum and he sounds like a complete joy-zapping pillock. Best of luck!

HavingAnOffDAy Mon 25-Mar-13 14:26:51

That's exactly it - he takes the joy out of many situations sad

I'm still planning my exit - I've only just decided that I have to do it IFYSWIM.

I feel sorry for him as I think most of his behaviour is driven by insecurity. By driving me into the ground he makes himself feel better.

Now that I can see that it's easier to live with, though still totally unacceptable.

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