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The evening didn't end well...(65 Posts)
'D' H went to a colleague's leaving do after work, with my blessing. I'm currently on ML with DS and coincidentally DD was also at home with me today after our CM fell ill.
I went to bed at 10pm having fed DS who's still in our room. No idea what time H got home but DS woke at 1.30 for a feed. Whilst I fed DS, H got out of bed and pissed against the wall of the bedroom.
At first I just gently called out to hime to go to the bathroom, he said "I am in the bathroom". I told him he was weeing up against the radiator and he said "no I'm not." etc.
I couldn't get out of bed to move him into the bathroom as DS was still attached to me, and anyway H had finished marking his territory at this point and got back into bed. He'd left his shirt on the floor so I used that to soak up the wee.
I couldn't get back to sleep and ended up shouting at him to wake up, then moving the bedclothes to get a response. Finally he woke up and I really let rip at him. I even shoved the wee-soaked shirt in his face. Finally he responded by punching my arm. He reckons that of course he didn't piss up against our bedroom wall, that he's not drunk and why am I allowed to shove urine-soaked clothes in his face while he has to lie there and take it. Then he got back into bed.
I then moved DS into the spare bedroom with me. H followed me. I grabbed one of the phone extensions and dialled two nines and told him I would dial a third if he came near me. He kept telling me not to be so ridiculous, that of course he didn't piss in our bedroom and how come I'm the one allowed to wake him up by shoving a wet shirt in his face. I told him he'd really pissed his chips - literally.
Bit of background... In January, during a particularly heated argument, he punched me so hard in the arm it left a massive deep bruise for weeks. He also kicked me on the arse whilst I was holding DS. I told him that was his final warning and that I wouldn't tolerate DV.
Don't know why I'm posting really. I've read so much MN that the next step is obvious. He's off to a client meeting later this morning (flying, not driving). I intend to make sure he arrives home to a packed bag of essentials and a note telling him I don't want anything to do with him except through a solicitor.
I know it sounds like a massive overreaction on my part but I can't risk an escalation in violence with the DCs.
Thanks for reading my rant...
Not an over reaction. Get those bags packed..
In a 'normal' relationship I'd say it would have been better to leave him sleep then talk to him. But this is obviously ongoing and hitting you Is unacceptable.
It isn't an overreaction on your part, far from it.
This man is violent and it sounds like he may be escalating that violence. You are going to be doing the right thing. Keeping you and your children safe.
I would have his bag packed outside the door and not let him back in. I would also go and talk to the local police to let them know what you are doing. They maybe able to give further advice (and have a note of his behaviour).
Good luck xx
Thanks both. I intend calling 112 in the morning as well, just as a safeguard.
By the way Waffly I wasn't dismissing you when you said it might have been better to let him sleep then talk to him. Normally that's what I would have done. As it was, I guess I was just so utterly wound up by the whole thing I couldn't just leave it.
Not over reacting at all. You know what needs doing, be safe.
Have the police concacted you yet?
If you dial two nines they will get in touch to check you are ok. It may take a while but they will.
I know this because many years ago my then DStD rang two nines and they came and asked if everyone was ok, then if we had any children who might have done that.
It is a safeguard in case the abuser (and make no mistake about that being your H is) manages to stop you from making the call properly.
All power to you. Get him out now before he starts to break your spirit. Do you have rl support for when he comes home and finds his packed bag (don't be alone).
Also highly recommend the Citizens Advice , they will advise on practicalities, finances etc if you need them.
Final warning you say?
Then you know what you have to do.
He is a total wanker going by the past history.
However, he has a point about shoving a urine soaked shirt in his face. That's kind of irrelevant though and you are absolutely right to follow through on your "final warning"
It's not an overreaction.
Just the two previous events were too many.
It doesn't matter if he is drunk. He should not punch you.
Or piss in your room, particularly if he could stand up. I'd have been livid.
MammaTJ no contact from the police as yet. I didn't know they did that (a v. Gd thing imo).
Needless to say I didn't get any sleep last night & thanks to the snow, the DCs and I aren't going anywhere today so haven't had chance to get back to you all as been feeding & usual chores this morning!
H went to his client meeting as planned. I waited an hour then rang him to let him know I plan on reporting him for last night's punch. He practically begged me not to (funny that!) saying he wasn't aware of what he was doing as he'd had some strong painkillers combined with 2 pints and 2 glasses of wine on the works do. In other words, he's saying there's a world of difference between a deliberate punch, as in the January incident, and last night's, which was him lashing out because I'd woken him up with a wet shirt in his face.
I have a lump the size of an egg on my arm, which tells its own story I think. in his defence, he complained of a fairly bad knee injury earlier this week, hence the painkillers, but I'm not prepared to do a complete u-turn on this just yet, particularly as I had to wait a VERY LONG TIME for an apology.
I've already taken photos of the emerging bruise and stored them securely, should the need arise, and have made him aware that I've done so.
Kat yy lots of rl support. Fortunately I've built up a great network of friends since moving here and having the DCs, plus the neighbours are amazing.
Soup I really do take your point about the shirt, and I know I shouldn't have done it. It was the feeling of his total disrespect for our surroundings that did it. I mean, he pissed in the room our son sleeps in. If it was just me, it wouldn't have been so bad, but DS too? Nope, crossed a line.
Please don't defend his bad knee excuse. Taking pain killers is fine, but the clearly state on strong pain killers to avoid alcohol. He chose not to. As for not knowing what he was doing when you woke him, whole world of difference between pushing the shirt away and inadvertantly catching you in the process, which would not leave a swelling or a bruise, and punching you. He is clutching at straws, make sure he doesn't grab hold of any.
I know you did the shirt thing and that was uncalled for.
But you said he's hit you before.
What are you waiting for!?
Oh, don't get me wrong, he definitely has no excuse whatsoever.
p.s don't give final warnings you don't mean or you'll be stuck in this situation and it will go round and round and get worse and worse.
part of you must know where this is going?
The alcohol/pain killer excuse only explains the urinating, not the violence. Which he's done sober.
Hindsight? I would personally have tackled the urinating in the morning when he was fully concious and sober and just moved into the spare room for the night. Which still does not excuse his violence in any way.
If you don't want to go the full "leave the bastard" route, as a minimum I would be insisting on anger management and some time apart until he has got his anger under control. An apology just doesn't cut it.
Lets face it from what you have posted he os physically adusive and you are verbally adusive and its a bad environment to raise children in.
The best thing you can do is split from this man. Its not a healthy, happy relationship you have.
January, so about 8 weeks ago?
You have a right to feel safe in your home, please do not let him back in.
When my ex used to go out, I would have to put a cabinet across the bedroom door, before I slept so he couldn't get to me. Despite asking him to stay at a friends If he had to drink.
I know the feelings it brings.
This wont get better. You do know that dont you? He will do it again. And then again
It will only get worse (I know this because I have been you)
Please dont wait for an apology, there isnt one good enough for what he has done to you. If you cant go for your own sake, please go for the sake of your baby son.
Anger management won't help. DV is to do with power and control. He knew exactly what he did. And even if he didn't it doesn't matter because he has successfully ensured that you would probably not wake him at all at night for fear of being hit, or confront him when he is drunk. The fact he took ages to apologise and made excuses along the way definitely suggests he felt entitled to hit you.
If you had found out you had him in the night when you were drunk I imagine you would have been mortified and apologised immediately. He didn't.
And you have to ask the question as to why, with two young children, he felt it was OK to drink while taking painkillers?
This is the third time and you gave an ultimatum last time.
I hope, for your sake, that you are packing his bags.
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