Tired and fed up

[paris100]

We have 3 DC, youngest two are toddlers. DH and I both have professional careers and I went back part time after DC 3 (less than a year ago). We have crippling childcare costs coupled with a big mortgage. DH resents this and wants me to go back to work full time asap so that I can be earning a full time salary again. We both have separate finances and I am very careful with our money, we don't have luxuries etc. He regularly complains of having no money left after transferring approx £200 to my account to help with the costs of shopping etc now that I am part time. He does manage to save £250 monthly into his savings account.

My job is very stressful (management) and we have discussed a non management post but it would bring in less money. I organise 99% of things in the house, pay the shopping, childminder etc and all joint funds go on a spreadsheet. However, it always means that I pay out more per month. He is not interested in a joint account.

I do 99% of the housework etc and currently feel that I don't have enough time for my children as it is. He won't allow us to get someone to help with cleaning - too expensive. I'm tired, cranky and feel that the only worth I have is a financial one.

I'm a bit resentful that I couldn't stay at home while the children were young, and work part time. He now admits that he only wanted 1 child due to the costs involved and never said that earlier. I do get a bit jealous that my friends are going to toddler groups etc. I feel that I am paying someone else to bring up my DC.

He made quite a bit of money some years ago from the sale of his house before we married, but lost it all on shares etc. At that time, I had a lot of student debt, he didn't offer to help me at all and I worked myself up in my career and paid every penny off.

I just feel exhausted, only here because of my financial contribution. On top of that there is no affection etc, no sex in over a year. Just fed up. He doesn't even want to discuss it.

Sorry if I come across as moaning. I know I should be happy with what I've got.

[akaemmafrost]

To be clear. Does he only contribute £200 a month to family finances?

[CATSNDOGS]

if your hours at work increase, pay goes up but your hours of childcare go up too, correct? Have you done your sums about whether its worthwhile to go FT? Childcare and fuel takes up about 75% of my take home pay so I know the feeling.
Why do you have separate finances. where do the bills get paid from?
H sounds very selfish, uncompromising and the not discussing of matters is really unhelpful? Where does he want to go from here of you cant talk about things?

[CATSNDOGS]

IF YOU CANT TALK ABOUT THINGS. my goodness, just not able to type today.
Hope you're not getting too down about this.

What do you mean by

"I just feel exhausted, only here because of my financial contribution"?

Do you want to take stock of your marriage with a view to ending it or rebuilding areas of concern?

[CATSNDOGS]

sorry, i see now you have an expenses spread sheet.

how is H justifying paying less than you?

in our house, we put into the joint in proportion to our net pay.

I seriously think you need to set a time and date for a relationship discussion as uncomfortable as that will be.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think his £250/month 'savings' should go on financing cleaners for a start. No point flogging yourself to death when there's spare cash going.

Your problem is the age-old one of finding that you're married to a selfish man. I think the money situation just throws that into sharp relief. If he won't discuss how to work as a team of equal partners rather than 'One Man and his Lackey' you're not left with many options beyond threatening separation.... Maybe that would perk him up a bit?

[paris100]

Sorry, I was unclear. He pays the mortgage, electricity out of his account. I pay the childminder (sometimes higher than the mortgage payment), council tax, shopping, all children related expenses etc. These all go on a spreadsheet, but my outgoings are always greater.

By 'I feel exhausted', I just mean that I feel like I never stop, between working, housework etc. Need to do sums I think. I also need a rest I think.

I agree that spare money should go perhaps on a cleaner.

I am indeed married to a selfish man and have suggested separation before, perhaps this is now coming to a head.

Thank you x

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Gee, if only you'd had a crystal ball! Bit late in the day to carp about that. Doesn't sound he is very good at communication unless it's complaining. Sorry OP doesn't look very hopeful.

[Spiritedwolf]

I'd be most unhappy about him squirrelling money into savings (in his own name? Joint? for something specific?) whilst you are struggling.

Let me get this straight... whilst working part time, you are contributing more than half the bills? The housework? The childcare? What's his contribution?

So how much left does he have each month to himself and what does he do with it?

I'd be tempted to invoice him for how much it would cost to hire a cleaner and nanny to do his share of those jobs and demand he either pays up or does the work himself. But there really isn't a point is there? He's a selfish git, you're not getting anything from him at all in terms of time/money/effort and you can't talk to him about it. So, instead, I'd try and work out what CSA payments he'd have to make if you were divorced. (Make sure you get details of that savings account for your soliciter).

You are his wife, not his domestic servent. Have you heard of financial abuse? I don't know if that's what's going on here, but if you point out the unfairness of the situation and he refuses to rectify it then I'd seriously look it up and see whether it sounds like what's happening to you.

I know that fiercly independent people sometimes decide on a 50:50 split of the bills and no joint account (prefering to keep the finances seperate, which is fine), but they often will do it on proportion of income and adjust that during mat leave etc (to 60:40, 70:30 etc). But he is not valuing your non-financial contributions in terms of the childcare you provide and housework by doing an equal amount himself or by adjusting downwards the proportion of the bills you pay.

Do you want to spend the rest of your days with him?

[Spiritedwolf]

These are his children? You are living as a couple? Yes? If so then you should be sharing the childern's expenses, not making it mummy's responsibility.

[cupcake78]

Saving £250/ mth is quite something with 3 children!

He's being unreasonable but you already know that. He needs a shake up IMO.

All money into joint account, all bills paid from joint account, anything that's left is jointly saved or enjoyed.

That chip on his shoulder needs knocking off.

[bakingaddict]

Dont be bullied into working FT. Agree with catsndogs working full time + travel costs can take around 75% of your salary unless your on over 50K a year plus you dont really get to spend any time with your kids as weekends are taking up with general housework.

I think selfish men like this rarely change and you face the decision of living like this for the forseeable future or doing something drastic. I work part time, no joint account for us and pay childcare, food, days out and some holidays. DH on double my salary pays mortgage and all bills reflecting our differing incomes

[paris100]

His savings are in his own name, he says its to boost his pension when he retires. The children's expenses come off my account as that's where the child benefit gets paid in to. But by the time you take off new shoes, nappies etc it soon disappears.

He pays £200 into my account monthly (which I always have to remind him to do) to cover the reduction in my salary since going part time) then all the expenses are split equally.

The whole spreadsheet thing doesn't work tho,which I have told him lots of times as he always ends up owing me. Which is never rectified and just gets worse every week after the weekly shop.

He does odd bits of housework, but when I ask him to help out he laughs, plus a face or says I'm nagging.

Thank you everyone, I am I finally seeing the light. X

[Spiritedwolf]

Who's saving for your pension? :(

He needs to value you more x

[paris100]

Well today I tried to explain to him that my outgoings are higher due to the childcare, shopping, childrens expenses etc coming off my account. As they are noted on the spreadsheet, I am worse off as he doesn't square up when he owes me money. It ended in a row again.

As awful as it sounds, I am wondering why I married and had children with such a selfish man who had no intention of trying to support us.

[OhToBeCleo]

WTF??

Is this man for real? Do you seriously have to explain to him what raising children costs?

Do you love him enough to work on this marriage? If not it sounds like it may be time to consider a life without him (and the associated stress). If you're doing 99% of housework/childcare and working too, then it sounds like you'll be well equipped for coping alone if you need to.

[jjgirl]

Can you point out to him that withholding essential money is financial abuse and a form of domestic violence and that you don't wish to live with domestic violence.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

Hi - first of all, I am sorry you're in this position. Quite honestly, it sounds as though you'd be better off without him, given you do everything anyway!

Over the years, DH and I have sometimes earned more than the other. We too have a spreadsheet of outgoings, but the difference is, all our income goes into the account to cover bills etc and then we take a smallish equal amount each for personal bits and pieces, presents etc. If there's any over, we choose to save or buy something we need, depending on circumstances.

I am currently a SAHM and PG with DC2. At present I have no income of my own. But this doesn't matter (well, not in the short term, I'll go back to work eventually). All the money that DH earns is in our joint account for us both to access. He wouldn't dream of me having 'less' available than him. Your situation is bordering on financial abuse and if you carry on like this, you'll wear yourself into the ground.

Is there any way you could try counselling together, if you want to stay together? Or do you think you're past that?

Good luck.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

Forgot to add - we have never earned megabucks! Certainly not enough to save £250/month. However, what we do have, we share. That's what marriage is about to me.

[EggyFucker]

He is a financial abuser

And you have been foolish to tolerate it so long

You are married ?

Good.

Divorce him and take him to the fucking cleaners. Including half of that that pension pot he has been squirreling away for years, at your expense.

[tribpot]

Bloody hell. I'm exhausted just reading your OP.

There seem to be quite a few things you 'don't' discuss because he doesn't want to. And things you go without because he doesn't want them.

Is he aware that 'I am saving to boost my pension' is just wanker-speak for 'I am a selfish fucker who had not anticipated that children would cost money'?

The whole spreadsheet thing doesn't work tho,which I have told him lots of times as he always ends up owing me. Which is never rectified and just gets worse every week after the weekly shop.

So when you say you split the expenses, you don't actually mean they are shared equally? You pay and he only does so when it suits him?