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Physical abuse has stopped for now but is it ea now?

(62 Posts)
crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 16:40:10

Have posted about DH's violence before. He has broken a rib, given me a black eye etc in the past. I'd say in total he has hit me about 7-8 times with low grade sexual abuse thrown in. After a particularly nasty attack last summer I told him to stop drinking (violence only happened when he was drunk) or I was going to the police. He would lose his job if he was convicted of assault. My GP and counsellor both logged the incident on their systems, he doesn't know this though.

I have been working with domestic abuse services very informally since. The lady who I speak to seems to think the ea is still ongoing but I'm just not seeing it. Last night DH was pissed off about an issue with his family and blamed me but it honestly was not my fault. It escalated in him accusing me of being sneaky saying I hadn't told him something that I am sure I did. There have been a couple of other things. He has put a stop to me making a change to my job and he has pretty much made it impossible for me to attend a work team building night away by using the dc's as a reason to say no. Is it easy way out to say ea or just give and take the of a relationship?

I really can't see the wood for the trees so to speak. Have name changed. Any views would be really helpful.

TheFallenNinja Tue 19-Mar-13 16:44:12

Bags packed and on the step, locks changed, police called.

ffswhatnow Tue 19-Mar-13 16:44:49

(((((hugs))))) sorry crashmat - this is abuse, and just because it isn't physical doesn't mean to say that it is any less serious.

I haven't got any words of wisdom other than LTB but I'm sure that someone wise will be along soon xx

Flisspaps Tue 19-Mar-13 16:47:02

No, it's not an easy way out to say this is EA.

This is EA and for the sake of you and your DC, you need to leave him.

crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 16:49:40

ninja really? I didn't think I'd get a ltb on the first post. :-(

I just wanted him to not hit me again. I thought that would be enough and I could cope with everything else.

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 16:50:40

Leave ASAP. You are worth more and deserve better.

Flisspaps Tue 19-Mar-13 16:50:52

Even if you can cope with it, your DC shouldn't have to my love. Don't think for a second that they won't be affected by it. You might think it's hidden from them, but it won't be.

crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 16:54:45

fliss The DA lady said the same thing but they have not seen any of the physical stuff. Though I do know it is affecting them because the middle one just shouted at me that I'm a rubbish mummy. Think he has heard this from Dh last night.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Mar-13 16:54:53

The problem is that, if you have any idea that you might get hit again, even if it's only at the back of your mind, you will never know if the way you are around him is natural or whether you're still acting out of fear. Being obstructive about your job and accusing you of being 'sneaky' is not the behaviour of a man that has any intention of changing. Alcohol or no alcohol, he's simply nasty piece of work that likes making you feel crap.

Chuck him out.

Flisspaps Tue 19-Mar-13 16:57:18

They might not see the punch, but they'll have seen the black eye, or the wincing from the broken rib pain. Don't underestimate the effect that will have on them when they see their lovely mum in pain.

If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your DC. You can't guarantee that he won't come home drunk and lash out at them, or even say something unforgivable to them when sober.

ffswhatnow Tue 19-Mar-13 16:57:32

Darling why SHOULD you cope with it? What on earth makes you think you deserve to be treated like this? This is his problem, not yours - he is the one in the wrong. I'm so sorry to tell you this - the man is a bully. He has been caught out abusing you physically, so now he's doing it slyly in the hope that you won't see it as being "as serious" and will just put up with it.

Sorry - blood boiling on your behlaf - not helpful blush

ffswhatnow Tue 19-Mar-13 16:58:03

OMG sad

crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 17:05:06

I suppose that is the crux of it. I've stayed with him through the physical so he will just not comprehend me leaving for a telling off about a birthday card and changing my name on Facebook. I 'over reacted' to the assault last summer in his words so I just can't imagine telling him that I perceive this as ea.

Flisspaps Tue 19-Mar-13 17:09:50

You don't need to tell him why you're leaving. He doesn't need to comprehend anything. You and your DC deserve better than this.

Flisspaps Tue 19-Mar-13 17:12:49

I think that you should call your DA worker asap (tomorrow if that's the earliest time you can speak to her) and make moves to separate from this man.

Is the house rented or mortgaged? What names are on the house?

Spiritedwolf Tue 19-Mar-13 17:14:53

The thing about a relationship where there was physical violence in the past is that the threat of it will always colour the present. Both of you know that he is capable and willing to physically assualt you. That affects how you behave around each other. In addition, if he can control you with EA then he needen't resort to physical violence and risk conviction.

Blaming you for things that couldn't possibly be your fault, picking fights over small things and controlling what you do in your professional life are all rather nasty.

I hear what you say about give and take. We do take account of our partner's feelings, advice and availability (say for taking over childcare) when making decisions. I suppose you have to think about what happens when you disagree about something. Does he back off and say that he'll support your decision? Always? Half of the time? Never? Do you feel you could do something he disagreed with without him making your life hell?

You said he put a stop to you making a change with your job and he's making it impossible for you to go on a team building night. It sounds like he's controlling you. It sounds like you don't believe you have a choice. What change did you want to make to your work and how did he stop it? Is it really unreasonable for someone else to take care of the children for a night whilst you go to the team building thing?

You deserve to be with someone who doesn't micromanage your life. Who never hits you, belittles you or makes your life difficult. There is no such thing as 'low grade' sexual abuse, it is always appalling and unacceptable. You need to think about what staying with him says to your children about relationships, about what boys can get away with and what girls should put up with.

You all deserve better, even if you can't see it right now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Mar-13 17:15:51

Who cares what he comprehends? hmm You've had enough and that's all the justification you need. Most would have got out at the first punch...

crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 17:17:40

We have a property together but we rent our 'home'. Both names on it. So none of you think it would be an over reaction to leave a marriage based on the ea? It feels like I'm just having a knee jerk reaction to a bad night.

ffswhatnow Tue 19-Mar-13 17:17:59

The difference is, crashmat, that you are probably now in a position to recognise that this is ea - perhaps previously you would have overlooked it as, well - at least he wasn't knocking you around sad

You are strong and you can do this - you are worth so much more than this waste of oxygen. Fliss is right - he doesn't have to understand a single bloody thing

Pandemoniaa Tue 19-Mar-13 17:18:28

You deserve so much better. He deserves nothing, let alone an explanation.

Please try and make plans to get yourself and your dcs safely away from this worthless, violent man.

Spiritedwolf Tue 19-Mar-13 17:19:49

Got lost in a chain of thought there, think I meant to say 'who never hits you, belittles you or controls you'.

DH has occasionally made my life inadvertantly more difficult smile but I can always talk to him about it and make sure it doesn't happen too often wink

BertieBotts Tue 19-Mar-13 17:22:46

No way is this give and take of a normal relationship. Even without the pa you'd be justified in leaving. You can't live with someone like this, it's not a life.

crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 17:25:11

Sorry x posted. The work thing was a secondment opp which would have given me scope for moving up, in my current role I have hit a ceiling. It would have had an impact on family life (increased my hours) but only for a specified time period. The reason I can't go on overnighters is that he will not allow anyone else to look after the dc's overnight so if he won't do it I don't go. If I blatantly disobeyed him...well I wouldn't because I am scared and of him.

cjel Tue 19-Mar-13 17:29:54

Your last line says it all. You want to work He won't let you because he knows you are still living in fear. Is that how you want to live? Your DCs will be living in fear as well .

crashmat Tue 19-Mar-13 17:31:27

I'm lucky in that I have pretty much instant access to the DV worker as I work in public services, we are in the same building. I think it's the dc's and knowing how hellish he will be if I dare to leave him that's holding me back. The dc's adore him. I adored him.

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