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Relationships

Please help. I have no idea what to do about abusive husband

46 replies

northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 07:18

I have posted here before about my husband. We have been together 7 years and apart from the first 6 months, the majority of the time has been miserable.

In the past he has spit on me, pushed me, kicked me and head butted me. He once shoved me so hard that he dislocated my shoulder. The worst thing though has been the constant verbal abuse:name calling, shouting, swearing and long silent periods. He stopped being violent when we married 4 years ago but stepped up on the verbal.

Two weeks ago I asked him to leave, which he did. At the weekend though he came back to visit our 5 year old daughter. I don't know why I did his, but I had sex with him whilst our daughter was asleep. He gave a very half hearted apology for calling me names on one particular occasion and decided that he was moving back but that we would be more "housemates". From now on he will be going out pretty much all weekend. If I want to go out I will have to get a babysitter. Oh, and if I'm really lucky he may occasionally have sex with me.

My youngest daughter is over the moon that daddy has come home. My eldest 2 (aged 12) are not so thrilled and neither am I.

I thought I was moving on and getting things sorted before this. My daughter was upset obviously, but I could see a way forward. I'd made an appointment with a really good solicitor (which I've now cancelled), booked an estate agent to value the house and also sorted out my work situation so that I could get a mortgage (went from self employed to permanent contract starting 1st April).

Now I just feel paralysed almost. I don't want the children upsetting but of course they are going to be very confused and unsettled with all this instability. I don't know what to say to them so I have said nothing. They think we are back together.

Last night he was vile to me again. I asked if we could talk and he point blank refused and called me all sorts of names, mainly preceded by the word "fucking". He slept in the spare room and I started crying and just couldn't stop. Proper racking sobs. Later on I could hear him snoring and I honestly wanted to take my pillow and smother him with it.

What should I do? I can't change the locks as he also owns the house and pays half the bills (which I cannot afford on my own). I can't claim tax credits as I can't really say we've separated with all this coming and going. I think I need to rebook the solicitors appointment but my thoughts are all over the place. Plus how do I deal with the children? Just don't know what to say to them. He left this morning with a bag as I know he's working away until Thursday but after that I really don't know what to do.

Please could someone help with some wise words?

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MrsMorton · 19/03/2013 07:25

Someone wise will be along soon. You will get through and over this and you're amongst friends here.

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 07:31

Thank you Mrs Morton that's really kind. I've started crying again, I just need to get a grip but don't know how.

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Chaoscarriesonagain · 19/03/2013 07:32

I've been here. He is an extreme form of my ex though, I do understand.

What is the position of the house?

I think in the first instance you need to call womens aid and make a plan to leave properly.

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Welovegrapes · 19/03/2013 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 07:48

We own the house as tenants in common. I put down a lot more than him though which i think is protected although this preceded the marriage so I may be wrong. Mortgage is in joint names.

I don't think I need to call women's aid as he has a very good control of his temper. The fact that he's chosen not to be violent for the last 4 years makes me think that everything he does is planned. Plus I don't want to uproot the children or leave our home. I think I'd be vulnerable to his whims if he were the one to leave the marital home. I can see me paying half the mortgage on it forever more whilst he "tries" to sell it.

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FairPhyllis · 19/03/2013 07:49

OK, use the time he is away to get the ball rolling. Women's Aid should be able to help you get information about a non-molestation order and an occupation order. These would stop him coming near you or living in the family home. Or they could help you find a refuge as a temporary measure. Rebook that solicitor's appointment too.

Is there a police record of the violence against you? There must at least be a record of when your shoulder was dislocated - you must have had to go to hospital or the GP. If there is a record of that you will find it easier to get an order.

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FairPhyllis · 19/03/2013 07:53

Cross posted. Women's Aid is not just for physical abuse: they help victims of emotional abuse too. This means you - don't hold back from contacting them. They are there for you too - please believe this!

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 07:53

I do want to split yes.

What I want more than that though, and I know it's completely unrealistic is for him to accept some responsibility and apologise for every shitty thing he's done for the last 6 years. However, having finally come to the conclusion that that will never ever happen I realise that a divorce is my only option.

I know where I want to be, it's just getting from a to b that I'm really struggling with. I could do with a mental list I think of tasks to complete in order to get where we need to be.

Plus the children are clouding the issue. I'm thinking it may be bet to tell them nothing at the moment?

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 07:58

I didn't know that Phyllis will try them. The only record I have is my shoulder and it would be hard to prove. It was 4 years ago and I went to my doctors and tod him the truth about what happened. However, my doctor didn't think it was dislocated and just prescribed painkillers.

It was 2 years later when I was having all sorts of back problems that my chiropractor told me it was dislocated and my body had tried to compensate so was all twisted and out f alignment. He put it back in and gave me physio which resolved the issue. So it's a bit tenuous really.

I have no police reports.

His ex got a non molestation order though. Maybe that would help.

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leaharrison11 · 19/03/2013 08:08

When your ready to leave him come back and we will all help, but right now uv said how evil he is, people gave u advice and ur made excuses , i am sorry for what ur going threw i seen my my mum go threw it , but no one can help you until u can help urself,, sending hugs and we will be here when ur ready

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 08:13

I am ready to end the relationship. I do not want to leave the family home though. I own 80% of it and I do really need to protect my finances in order to provide for my children. I am under no illusion that child support will be scant.

Please believe me - I am not making excuses. I have nowhere to go whilst I own this house. I have 3 children a dog and a cat. If I leave he could end up making me pay the mortgage for years until it sells. I can't pay the mortgage here AND rent on another home.

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TheBakeryQueen · 19/03/2013 08:14

Northcountrygirl, I think you sound more than ready to leave him & stronger than you give yourself credit for! I'm going to come back later & post properly.

Meanwhile, I urge you to get the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that?' and start reading it as soon as possible. Its like having the wool pulled from your eyes!

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trustissues75 · 19/03/2013 08:14

North

It is so so so hard isnt it? so very complicated to get out. Keep wuth us, keep talking to us. You need a sounding board. I echo about Womens' Aid - you need that support to help you make decisions and make a plan.

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 08:14

Sorry should say 80% of the equity, not 80% of the house. The mortgage is approx half the value if the house.

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 08:17

I read the Lundy Bancroft book years ago on the advice of my counsellor. It was an e book though and don't have the PCM anymore so may order it and reread. Also the pat craven book. Still bloody stayed though!

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trustissues75 · 19/03/2013 08:18

Also...come join us on the support for those in emotionally abusive relationships thread......

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 08:24

Thank you trust I will. However strange it sounds the emotional stuff was the worst. It totally chips away at the very core of you doesn't it? I thought it was me that was a terrible person until I had CBT.

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BertieBotts · 19/03/2013 08:26

I agree contact Women's Aid - cold, calculating, non-physical control is almost worse in some ways as it's not like he's lashing out unintentionally - he's thinking about what he's doing and choosing to abuse you in such a way that you feel like he's doing nothing wrong :( Women's Aid would definitely be able to help. You might not be able to get through these days but do leave a message - they get back to you within the hour. They can support you to stay in the house too.

Please don't worry or feel guilty - abusers can make you think that black is white and utterly turn your world upside down. It is not surprising that he made you think that you wanted to sleep with him even though the relationship is over, and you haven't done anything wrong.

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 08:43

You're right Bertie. My mind was totally messed up. When I read the Lundy book I started blaming myself. My husband didn't fit into all the profiles and he was also accusing me of being abusive so in the words of my counsellor I started to "internalise". I believed him when he said I was being abusive rather than stepping back and saying "did that actually happen?".

He made me believe that I had done things that I hadn't and I honestly thought I had just forgotten about it. Plus whenever I did slip up on anything at all he blew it up out of all proportion and used it as a stick to beat me.

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FairPhyllis · 19/03/2013 08:47

Does the solicitor have experience of handling cases involving DV? Because that is what you really need.

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 08:50

Thank you for posting. It's really helping to write down all my thoughts anonymously.

I think my plan should be:

  1. Women's aid
  2. Solicitor
  3. House valuation


For now I don't think I will say anything to the kids. I will make further plans once I've gathered all the information I need but ideally I'd like him removed from the house somehow (under the patio in an ideal world as that would really solve everything!). Then I can claim tax credits which would cover his share of the bills but not his share of the mortgage. Then I can sell the house and buy somewhere nice and new and warm.

It doesn't seem that hard now I've written it down...
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wannabeEostregoddess · 19/03/2013 08:51

Womens aid is not just for physical abuse you know. Its for all abuse.

Remake the appoitment with the solicitor and call womens aid. You need legal advice on getting this man out of the house. He has to leave. Not you.

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northcountrygirl · 19/03/2013 08:54

Not sure if the solicitor does to be honest Phyllis. It's a man which to be honest put me off but he comes highly recommended.

It's important to me that I'm believed though. I don't want people to think I'm lying for financial gain which is what his ex was accused of. And everyone bloody believed him - myself included.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2013 09:06

I'm glad you're seeing the solicitor. FWIW they are there to advise but they are paid to believe their client. However, if you don't get on with the guy, you're not obliged to keep using him. You can go elsewhere. Your priority is to get yourself out of this nasty man's reach. Whether you achieve that through a court order, a forced house sale or whether you leave with the DCs yourself and sell the place from a distance, you have to consider all options.

The relationship is abusive right now. Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse are all present in spades .... you don't need a broken arm to be a victim and Womens Aid will help you understand that one. He is not controlling his temper when he is screaming abuse at you.

If you can, get him to leave again. But properly this time. You may need RL back-up from friends or family to help you achieve it. Certainly make your safety top priority.

How to tell your children? Your older children are obviously happier and safer when he's not around and your DD will just have to go with what you decide and you'll have to deal with the upset. It's not fair but much in childhood isn't.

Good luck

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trustissues75 · 19/03/2013 09:12

North - I echo Bertie - what you have and are ecoeriencing is gaslighting smongst other manipulative tactics: this produces FOG in your mindset ( you can read more about that over on Out of the Fog). I am 2 years down the line from you and still question myself. Only last night my exFWH was practising his gaslightung techniwues on me and I AUTOMATICALLY brgan questioning myself: am I being fair? Am I being irrational? Am I jumping to conclusions? Am I just a bitch?...igonre him!!!! See you on the EA thread :)

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