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Getting him to properly commit

(119 Posts)
lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 14:30:00

Advice please!

Short version is that I have 1ds who is a gorgeous 15 month old and dp also has 2 dds aged 22 and 23. Him and their mum never married. I was not on the scene anywhere near their break up. He says is was a young relationship, he got her pregnant on the 2nd date and he (apparently begrudgingly) stayed with her for 8 years. That's his version. We all get on well. They are lovely girls and are good with ds. Anyway my problem is dps inability to commit to anything! It took him 5 years to agree to having ds1. Now he is the apple of his eye. It will probably take another 5 years to agree to a dc2. He owns his small house outright. I pay monthly bills (half) and buy the majority of the food. So he does ok out of me. But he won't marry (reckons just a piece of paper) and is dragging his heels about putting me and ds in a will so that if he pre deceases me, me and ds will be provided for (and there will be stability for ds so we are not kicked out of the house and essentially on the streets). He is 47 and so older than me as I'm 36. I have invested in the house, spending four grand on a new bathroom, etc etc etc.

I know you might say I went in wit my eyes open, and I should have got this figured put before I moved in, but I was kind of blinded by lust and attraction. Now I feel I've left me and ds pretty vulnerable. I wish now I had followed the rules or something and had no sex before marriage, but he wouldn't have stayed around I reckon.

How can I get him to marry or at least write a will protecting ds in his family home while he grows up? My dp is all talk and no action over anything! Even to the point of taking about home improvements and chores but not doing them...

Sheila Fri 15-Mar-13 17:59:56

Also you need to start paying something towards the mortgage so you can demonstrate your contribution.

arsenaltilidie Fri 15-Mar-13 20:14:24

Given that he has been divorced, I dont blame him tbh.
What everyone is failing to mention is he has nothing to gain and everything to lose if you ever ask for a divorce.

If you 2 ever get divorced he will lose half of the house, meaning his girls would also lose out too.
You have to bring something to the table.

You cant expect to live rent free because you don't want to pay for a mortgage.
Why dont you use your saving, buy a place and rent it out.
Much better for everyone involved.

Bet you once you have your own house he would be more willing to get married.

lightsandshapes Fri 15-Mar-13 20:32:13

That is an option arsenal. He would give me the 4k back if it came to that. So I would have 10k perhaps to get a deposit on a tiny cottage to rent out.

Re the poster that said be prepared to leave my dogs..... Never!!!!!

I'm an attachment parent and think its pretty important to be around dp whilst he's small. Working full time is not an option for me. My job is pretty good. I have a phd and work in middle management in a Uni, but I've got burn out to be honest...

Helltotheno Fri 15-Mar-13 20:54:25

Op at a minimum, get the 4K back and put it into your savings, then work towards buying yourself a property. If you're not going to leave, that's the option available to you.

What do you mean you have burnout? Now would not be a good time to leave your job...

Shr0edinger Fri 15-Mar-13 20:59:35

Right. YOu need to stop paying bills and groceries right away. I did this, and council tax too I think. I eventually left with nothing. Of course. Funny that! I knew I was in a vulnerable position. But I didn't see what else I could have done. Now I realise that instead of trying to get him to marry me, I should have made sure I looked after myself. I should have spent the money I was spending on his household on my own flat or savings. I should have told him, you aren't obliged to look after me, but if you won't, I will look after me so I've no money left for your house. You are raising his kids? if you split up pursue him for maintenance. fucker. Sorry. Have been totally screwed over by a man like this. He was so determined not to lose his assets that he lost a family.

PureQuintessence Fri 15-Mar-13 22:53:27

If you dont want to leave your dogs, you need to ensure you can buy a small cottage with a garden so you are not dependent on a landlord saying "no pets please".

meditrina Fri 15-Mar-13 23:02:57

Contributing to the mortgage won't necessarily make one whit of difference as they are not married, and all that counts is legal title.

In the event of death, DS stands to inherit a share of the estate (under intestacy rules) or whatever is willed to him (will could be challenged if provision unfair, but this is protracted and outcome uncertain). OP would only get what was willed to her, and nothing in the event of intestacy.

If they split up, OP can count on child maintenance only. She might be able to secure an order permitting her to stay in the house with DS until he reaches majority, but again this is uncertain.

PureQuintessence Fri 15-Mar-13 23:04:25

Rather than contributing to the mortgage the op is better off getting on the property ladder herself!

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Fri 15-Mar-13 23:08:28

lightsand, just read through this thread, some brilliant sage advice btw, and, you don,t sound at all happy with this man.

If you married in the morning, I think you,d be gone at some point anyway.
I really hope things work out for you.

izzyizin Sat 16-Mar-13 00:18:45

As you've said he owns his small house outright, it would seem there is no mortgage for you to contribute to but, even if there were, any contributions you make would count for very little unless you were jointly named on it.

As he didn't marry the dm of his older dc, it seems you can safely take it this man is not the marrying kind and IMO he would be ill-advised to make a will which would favour you and his ds above his older dc without benefit of independent advice from a solicitor who is not also acting for you in this matter.

Your financial concerns appear to be more for yourself and your dogs than for your ds and I find it singularly mercenary that you've already thought ahead to working out the implication of a having life interest in his house should you wish to move/work elsewhere.

Have you willed any part of your £6000 to him should you predecease him, or have you left it in trust to your ds and/or your dogs?

As it stands, should his df die intestate your ds will inherit one third of his estate which you will no doubt be charged with administering if this sad event occurs before he attains his majority and I suggest you content yourself with this and set about working to make yourself financially independent of any male.

BertieBotts Sat 16-Mar-13 00:20:49

You can rent with pets. It's just a longer game to find somewhere which will accept. But with £6k behind you that shouldn't be so much of an issue.

Dadthelion Sat 16-Mar-13 06:09:46

Well, if I were him I wouldn't get married either, especially at a marry me or I'll leave type ultimatum.

And as you both work part time and share child care, if you separated wouldn't the care be shared?

'There is also an issue that if I needed to move to find work after dp dies to support ds, how would that work with the house. Perhaps I could rent it out and use the income to live elsewhere'

He's 47 not 97. He could live for 50 years yet.
If I were him I'd check the brakes on my car.

Coffee1Sugar Sat 16-Mar-13 06:26:41

Get rid of the dogs. Blunt but they're bloody expensive to look after. Your son is 15months not weeks, you should get a full time job and if you work at a uni usually there's an onsite nursery for staff and students

lightsandshapes Sat 16-Mar-13 06:53:36

Coffe1sugar, you are obviously not a pet owner and since when was a 15 month old fully independent. Sorry I didn't wait this long to have a child to give him to someone else to look after. Everyone else, thank you for your wise advice smile

Coffee1Sugar Sat 16-Mar-13 07:08:04

My dd was 16months when I went back to full time work. Put him in nursery like the thousands of other parents who have to

tribpot Sat 16-Mar-13 07:09:55

I sympathise OP but I think Coffee1's point is that you are increasing your level of dependence and insecurity. That's your choice, of course, but you should be fully aware of the implications of your choices.

So you need to work through the worst case scenarios, which I think a probably three-fold:
- your DP decides he no longer wants to be with you and asks you to leave the house. What do you do then?
- your DP becomes unable to work through ill-health and thus dependent on your income. What do you do then?
- your DP dies with no will in place. The will's executor will need to be able to provide fairly for the three main beneficiaries and I'm guessing this will involve selling the house in order to split the proceeds. There are ways this can be avoided, such as giving you a life interest in the property, but he has to be willing to do this and he doesn't seem to want to give you a life interest in anything right now, frankly.

Get yourself some legal advice and plan your next steps carefully. I don't think you can have everything you want in this situation unless you are prepared to take some significant risks - certainly more risk than I would feel comfortable taking as the parent of a small child. Good luck.

Branleuse Sat 16-Mar-13 07:12:38

what makes you feel so vulnerable? Do you not feel he loves you?

Whats wrong with cohabiting?

MummyWorm Sat 16-Mar-13 07:13:09

I've always been of the opinion that you can't make or force people to commit. If they want to, they will.

Branleuse Sat 16-Mar-13 07:20:38

if he married you under duress, that would be awful.

You begged him for 5 years to have a child he didnt really want to have, and are lucky that now they are very close. Hes sorted, hes got his own place long before you came along, I really dont see why he should put you on his will if he didnt want to and you dont want to work.

You went into this with your eyes open. Im assuming youve got somewhere to live for your money

WhoWhatWhereWhen Sat 16-Mar-13 07:24:21

Anybody who has assets who be an absolute mug to get married, in this case DP has his cake and is eating it so why risk having to give it ALL up in the event of divorce?

Sheila Sat 16-Mar-13 07:46:56

I was in your situation OP but fortunately bought a house jointly with xp so he bought me out when we split. He refused to marry me or sign a parental responsibility agreement for DS (what a prince!) and already had 3 kids with a previous partner.

I consulted a solicitor when pregnant with DS and she said make sure you contribute towards the mortgage, don't just pay bills. This is a common mistake women make and it leaves even married women in a vulnerable position.

Having said all that, if you are happy with your situation on a day to day basis then I'd stay put and build up your funds as others have suggested.

I suspect though that this isn't the only thing that's wrong in your relationship. In my case it was just the outward sign of xp's total lack of caring for me and DS. He never for a minute took his eye off the bottom line, whereas I was clouded with love, fear and the desire to do the right thing. What a mug!

LadyLapsang Sat 16-Mar-13 14:43:32

Surely he has everything to lose financially if you marry. You could leave him and either try to make him leave his home or make him sell up and be unable to buy another place with his share. If I were the mother of his two elder children I would not want you to have a life interest in the property as you aren't even 15 years older than his eldest, so they are not likely to inherit at any time in their life that they can make good use of it. I think he would be happier if you take steps towards increasing your hours of work in a few years and aim to buy somewhere that you own and then rent it out to help with the mortgage.

RainbowBelle Sat 16-Mar-13 15:08:43

If OP does get him to marry is she automatically entitled to part of the house though, even though his ownership of it pre-dates their relationship?

OP - sorry you are having to go through this. It must not be very nice for you. Generally speaking most men wouldn't want to see their partner and child left with nothing or nowhere to live if the worst happened. As long as he isn't looking after your financial interests, you need to look after them yourself.

A little rental property would make you feel a lot more secure and would get you financial stability. Why not suggest it? If your man doesn't want to marry (or share ownership of the house with you) he surely can't be so unreasonable as to not see that you and DS need some security and therefore anything he can do to help with that he should (ie paying back the £4K, and taking over all the bills for a while).

Personally I would go for the cheapest you can afford in the most bearable area with the highest rental yield:
THe cheapest you can afford because you should try to save a little too- not plough all you have in the property.
The most bearable area because often bargains are found in the less than best areas, -but in the event you need to live there you won't be terrified!
And the highest rental yield - a modest terrace costing say £90K in some areas will still rent out for £450-£500 per CM than say a nicer 3 bed semi costing £160K renting out for the same money.

I really think you should look into the finances of buying somewhere of your own. Even a 1 bed flat.

Good luck x

Coffee1Sugar Sat 16-Mar-13 18:20:33

90k for a terrace?! (gobsmacked) where?! £380k for two bed terraces where I am!

PureQuintessence Sat 16-Mar-13 18:30:18

"Coffe1sugar, you are obviously not a pet owner and since when was a 15 month old fully independent. Sorry I didn't wait this long to have a child to give him to someone else to look after. "

And yet you despair that you have ownership of nothing. You are choosing to not work full time, and spend a lot of money on dogs.

I have changed my mind. You are absolutely best off sponging off your partner so you can support a lifestyle of luxury. To most people, no less than 3 dogs and only part time work is a luxury they cant afford! His home-ownership allows you to do this.

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