Sorry Mumsnet, you are MY only outlet.
Feel like I just want to curl up and die. Half my life has been turned into a lie. I am a woman in my 40's and could possibly deal with the pain and disappointment in time - but to see the future and know that young children will suffer to shore up a family of emotionally frozen and inadequate adults, I just cannot contemplate or condone without screaming at the whole bloody unjustness of it.
You are walking about with a hangdog expression as if to say 'Why is this happening to me, why is she doing this to me?' never once admitting I have been driven to this, never once facing up to the facts. Ok, so you really WANT it all to be solely your fault? Ok then, it IS all your fault if that's what you need it to be. So YOUR behaviour and actions are the only reason I will have rip our children's security to pieces? Because that way you can diminish any uncomfortable feelings that examining the almighty fuck-up that is your Family might cause you?
In the past I have raised issues and sought to 'Hate the deed not the person' - you yourself have conceded THAT. Yes, you have been guilty of complaining about me to your family without explaining your part, yes you have been economical with the truth and sought their sympathy whilst denying any fault or causation of your own, yes you have allowed yourself to be supported by them while knowing that without their previous lies and actions (and my subsequent responses) there would be nothing for me to be crying over now.
I feel I have been forced take this path, because soul-searching (and a lot of reading on MN) makes me finally realise that you will NEVER be able to acknowledge the dire emotional abuse and manipulation that you were subjected to while growing up (and continue to be a victim of). You do know that you can still love someone but not like/condone aspects of their behaviour don't you? I have only mentioned it, once, twice, a hundred times. No, it's all or nothing for you.
I am aghast, incredulous, devastated, and totally broken, by the fact that you are choosing your adult family after all that you have seen and heard, all that I have been put through and wept bitterly about. And STILL, to lessen the emotional impact on you, I sought to minimise their behaviour, looked for excuses for the outrageous damage they have caused, emphasised with their personal issues, difficulties and sadness's - something which they clearly have never afforded me - and for what? So that you can swing between appearing to almost reach some insight and then, defending them against me to the point of sheer bloody insanity (mine obviously). It all depends on who you've last spoken to. You return home after seeing your Mum or cousin, all filled with self-righteous anger that I am the unreasonable cause of all this 'trouble'. We talk (well I do, you are there with your sad face, too bound up in dysfunctional familial knots to articulate anything) and then you do almost agree, you do almost SEE, you add MORE (hurtful) evidence to support my assertions, and yet, and yet, you still cannot bear to bring yourself to an acceptance that your adult family could be deceitful (and FULLY cognisant all the while) in their thoughts, words, and deeds.
In the past week you actually got to witness your wife being lied to, repeatedly, to her face by a close member of your family (NO 'she said, I said' ambiguity) AND you 'moued' and sympathised with the liar's upset (?!) midway through - whilst KNOWING that everything that they were saying WAS utter and complete self-supporting LIES. If my anger at that wasn't so overwhelming I would be rendered speechless with incredulity (you wish). This week you have been with your family and watched them pick me to pieces, seen them tell each other MORE lies to support the lies they have already told, and you've still NOT SPOKEN OUT. You have allowed your family to dismiss my attempts to speak with them to try and salvage something, anything, from this unholy mess. They don't want to talk to me, not interested in 'She said, and she said' apparently, but willing to be visited by, and listen to, the person that lied in front of you only days earlier.
And the pressure now is that my behaviour has to be impeccable, I have to be reasonable, calm, gracious, and magnanimous, all to effect a smoothing of the future path for our children, AND you and your family. Anything else would give weight to the 'told you so, she's mad, bad, and dangerous to know' thinking that constitutes your family's opinion of me. Inside I am raw, bleeding, howling with the sheer pain and unfairness, the betrayal, the out and out cruelty I feel now and see ahead in the future. Thanks a bunch you man-child, you coward, you fake.
I have lost you, my only love - exchanged for lies, deceit, and something dangled and intangibly unreachable, but that thing you are always seeking and never finding, your Mother's love and approval.
Sorry, just had to get this all out of my head and heart. Thank you MN, I am grateful to you for being there and letting me articulate this.
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She said, I said, He said...Gaslighting 101.
17 replies
BoltingBrenda · 09/03/2013 15:59
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