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Different directions or subject to change?

7 replies

IDunnoAboutThis · 06/03/2013 17:46

I'm in a fairly new relationship (autumn 2012) and for the most part, it has been fantastic. OH is lovely, affectionate and we have a great time together.

He has talked of wanting to marry me and to have children with me. This is definitely what I want in the future, ideally with him, as I've never before felt so good in a relationship.

However, his future plans do not include me, or any plans to get married and have children. He currently lives with his unwell mother, who is likely to inherit some money in the next year or so. He then hopes to take over her council tenancy, as she will seek private medical treatment and leave the country. He said that 'it would be a shame to miss out on this opportunity'.

I would have liked him to move in here in the next year or so.

Am I hurtling too far into the what-ifs of the future?

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Saltpig · 06/03/2013 18:19

I'm confused by your OP. YOu say he has talked about wanting to marry and have children with you but then you say his future plans don't include these things.

Can you explain it bit more?

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IDunnoAboutThis · 06/03/2013 18:25

I think your confusion reflects my confusion! He wants marriage and children, yet in the next couple of years wants to take over his mother's tenancy and live in the home in which he grew up.

This is not a plan for us both to live there, I have my own council home, which I hope to buy and would love for us to buy it together.

I am not sure if he is saying one thing and planning another, or if his plans are to take on this house unless we do progress.

It may never happen, I'm not sure if a tenancy can be transferred in that way.

I suppose I feel a bit gutted. I'd love for us to move forward together. Not straight away or anything daft, but to maybe be talking along the lines of 'this time next year' or similar.

When I recently had my period he said he would have been very happy if it had not arrived, and that he can't wait to have babies with me. He can take a run and jump if he thinks I want to co-parent from afar!

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ImperialBlether · 06/03/2013 19:07

If there's one thing that you should have learned from the Relationships board, it's that you should try to get your own property when your relationship is so new and untested.

Personally, I wouldn't want a man who thought so casually about having children that he'd welcome a missed period in a woman he's only known six months and with whom he's not committed at all! For crying out loud, it's the biggest decision anyone makes in their life!

Just out of interest, is his mum likely to return and want to live with him?

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IDunnoAboutThis · 06/03/2013 19:21

We've known each other a couple of years, but yes his attitude towards having children is odd! There are no controlling red flags, otherwise alarm bells would be ringing. I just want to be so secure when I have another child; I want to have lived with someone, i want to be secure in our relationship. There's no way I will even miss 1 single pill until I feel that secure ;)

I think his mother would rather he moves overseas with her!

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IDunnoAboutThis · 07/03/2013 06:18

Bump

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Saltpig · 07/03/2013 19:40

He doesn't sound committed tbh.

The reason you are confused is that you are getting very mixed messages and it's a classic sign of an unavailable man.

He wants the easy way. What could be easier than just taking on the tenancy of his mum's house? ( and there are ways of doing that).

or moving into a ready made home (yours).

The red flag here is his 'future faking' which I suggest you look up on the 'baggage reclaim' website. I'm crap at links but if you google it you will see there are a lot of really good articles on unavailable men and the ways in which they are able to hook women in.

Take if from me. You must not lose sight of your plan to buy your house and you must not do anything with this bloke that would compromise this.

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IDunnoAboutThis · 08/03/2013 23:24

I looked on the website, on the EUM section. He doesn't tick many of the boxes there to be honest, apart from future falsing and being an absolute mummys boy!

However you are right. If there was nothing to doubt or question, I wouldn't have posted in the first place. He is emotionally unavailable. He wants 2 different things: me and his bachelor pad.

In truth, I am gutted. And sadly not surprised. This is what happens every bloody time! I meet a man, see the good and blinker out the rest. I then have a shock realisation that actually, this is going to be massively uphill. More uphill than it ever needs to be. So here I go again! I can't decide whether to hit the gin and join the drunk thread (ok, maybe I'm almost a contender) or the dating thread.

Thank you