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I took my weddings rings off

(88 Posts)
M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 12:55:50

DH and I rowed big style yesterday about money. He's stressed and frustrated he can't find work.
He shouted, I shouted and he pushed me onto the bed hard and then tried to strangle me.

The first time EVER sad
I toon my wedding rings off and packed a suit case.

We have spoken and put things aside he said he was moving out as he can't do that to me again. He's never done that to anyone and he wasnt starting now.

He doesn't work. Has applied for over 150+ jobs in 8 weeks and nothingconfused
Frustration having no money.

I have applied for a job, part time I don't have a car at the moment and would have to rely on buses or walk the 58 mins it would take me.

I have better qualifications than him. So applied for this part time job.

Ds3 is only 13 weeks and I'm fretting about leaving him. I go to baby groups and baby massage and I'd have to quit all that. And that's the only thing that is keeping my PND away, getting out the house with him :-(
Not ready to go back to work yet but I don't think I have any choice. I just wish DH would do more to get a job. Like go into actually agencies and request work. Round here you have to go into agencies daily to get a job. And he's not doing it. If they don't get him a job straight away he dumps that agency angry

I feel at a dead end and I should be enjoying our last baby sad

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 21:59:28

You are def making excuses and his apology and promise is so obvious its almost pathetic. Don't ever try to think it won't happen again.Every abuser starts once and it usually gets worse. How bad is it going to get when he started with strangling? Don't don't don't think you are special and your lovely man will only ever do it once. You are not a special case, he is not a special case. He is a domestic abuser and you have suffered sever domestic abuse.

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 22:26:33

I just keep relaying it in my head.
It's bad I know. He's never done it before. Who knows he may do it in the future but after wards he said he was waiting on a mate getting back to him and was leaving Monday. He's not going. We talked and he's staying. He said he was disgusted with himself and he will not be going down that road he can't and won't hurt me no more. He said to at least give him till Monday.

Tbh it was me who told him he wasn't going anywhere. I could have easily said yes fine be gone by Monday end of day. But I didnt. For what we argued about its not worth throwing away 7yrs of marriage.

They say the 7yr itch always gets at marriages. confused

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 22:31:34

Trust me I took 30yrs to decide what we had was worth the DA for. They can't stop without help. At least insist you go to counselling together urgently.He mustn't be allowed to think that you will put up with it. I know you love him and feel sorry for him, I still love and feel sorry for mine, but don't put yourself down just because hes suffering.

Xales Sun 03-Mar-13 22:32:20

It is interesting that you have said several times that you are not throwing away a 7 year marriage because of an argument.

Nothing at all to do with the fact that he pushed you down on the bed and then tried to strangle you.

Good luck with that.

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 22:33:32

well said Xales

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 22:34:18

I'm not. I love him so much. We have 3 wonderful kids together. A whirlwind romance, and a strong bond together. In shocked it happened. I thought he'd never do that. Mad or not. We have arguments every now and then. Not often though. It's always about money though confused

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 22:40:59

I understand the strength of love, I was with mine 35 years altogether, had lovely business together, Dcs, Gcs, dogs houses, etc etc, My love could not have been deeper, But you are confusing strong bond wonderful life with the reality of where you are tonight - Just another victim of domestic violence with an abuser who is sooo sorry it will never happen again. The trouble is I do not know your DG and you are too close to see what I can - He has done it once - he will do it again and by the time you are ready to get help your Dcs will be damaged your nerves will be shredded and you'll be too worn down to think straight. Oh I'm sorry you are different - it really will never happen again?

BettySuarez Sun 03-Mar-13 22:47:18

You didn't think he would ever do it. But he did.

You don't think he will do it again. But he will.

You have been physically assaulted by your husband and should call the police sad

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 22:56:03

He may do it again I don't know.

I'm just another statistic that says he won't so it again aren't I?

Before this I always said if any man lay their hands on me they are gone. It's happened and I can't end it.
I guess I'm what they call women like me weak. confused

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 23:05:33

No No No you are not weak, you just find it hard to realise that DH could ever have done what he did to you and that now he has, that he could ever do it again. I'd say you are very normal. Also I think that we are extra strong because if we were weak we couldnt have the strength to think that we could work through it and help them. Although you may see yourself as a statistic you must at least try to get counselling, make it a condition of staying together and you must have it to enable you to feel safe around him If he won't agree he will be putting your needs last and whatever reasons he gives will be showing you he doesn't care enough.I don't want to sound harsh but I've been there and got the t shirt and am trying to save you more pain.xx

izzyizin Sun 03-Mar-13 23:24:04

Think about what example you are setting your dc if you choose to be weak in the face of unacceptable behaviour.

Should you take up part-time employment and your h becomes a sahd while you're earning money to put food on the table and keep the roof over your head, it's unlikely that he'll make a concerted effort to find work and this may cause problems for you further down the line if he, effectively, becomes the primary carer of your dc.

Given all of the circumstances and as it appears you're determined not to report him to the police, you're best advised to tell your h to make contact with Respect to enrol on a course for dv perps and to make arrangements to stay elsewhere - such as a bedsit or the YMCA if a friend/family member can't accomodate him - until such time as he's completed it and has secured full-time work.

Tomorrow morning make an appointment with your GP, have your neck examined*, and get this incident noted on your medical records in the event you need evidence of his dv at some future date - don't worry, this will be confidential and your GP won't make contact with the police or any other agency unless you give them express permission to do so.

DON'T let this incident go unremarked and leave him 'unpunished'; regard it as an opportunity for both you and your h to learn valuable lessons with a view to it never happening again.

*you may not have sustained any serious injury but the number of cases of people who've walked around with broken necks without realising that a sudden wrong movement could result in paralysis or worse makes it an essential precaution.

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 23:52:45

My neck does hurt. At all.
My chin does where my head hit my chest as he pushed me back. But I'm ok. I think I may go to drs. I have PND and finding it hard to cope with stress at the moment. I have so much anger I need to get out. I just want to scream just to see if it will make me feel better confused
Or punch something.

M0naLisa Sun 03-Mar-13 23:53:19

Doesnt* hurt

Purplejellybaby Mon 04-Mar-13 00:06:25

Your poor thing. We can't make you leave, but please think of your child. You have to make sure your baby is safe. If you can't leave now at least start planning. Gather important documents like passport bank statement birth cert etc. make sure you have money in your own account. Leave these things in a safe place. Is their a friend you trust? Make a mental plan for how you could leave if you had to go in a hurry. Do you drive? Make sure your car keys are close by.

Most DV starts in pregnancy or when little ones come along. Most women do not leave until they have experiences abuse time and time again. Next time it could be worse. Please stay safe.

Lueji Mon 04-Mar-13 01:22:47

Look, it's not the argument, it's what he did to you.
And he did that during a stupid argument.

And, from experience, it's highly likely your neck will start hurting tomorrow. Particularly if it was so hard that you hit your chin on your chest. sad

Dryjuice25 Mon 04-Mar-13 01:26:25

What's more important to you; 7yrs+ marriage or your life. Please see him for what he is: A potentially dangerous human being!

Mosman Mon 04-Mar-13 01:43:32

Oh my love this was me 3 years ago, i regret every day i left my baby in nursery to work, my husband was supposedly in Costa job hunting where it was quiet and the baby and i wouldn't distract him. He was having an affair with some tart he met there and trying to get his leg over with any of the barristers that gave him a large latte !
Run for the hills

M0naLisa Mon 04-Mar-13 02:32:00

We have 3 DC. Ds3 is a couple months old. Things are ok now he's stressed I'm stressed too. Hardly money coming in. He's searching for jobs and applying daily. Just not been round agencies.

Most agencies round here are advertising jobs just get people to sign up with no job actually available.

Mosman Mon 04-Mar-13 03:08:54

I've been in recruitment nearly 15 years and they don't advertise just to get candidates in, if they are advertising they have jobs, it may be that the skill set is very specific though.
What's he doing about making himself more employable, courses, freelance work, contracts, bloody car washing if necessary ?

M0naLisa Mon 04-Mar-13 07:52:39

No experience needed doesn't need any qualifications. Most jobs are warehouse he's applying for.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Mar-13 07:53:33

Being stressed, unemployed or short of money are none of them good reasons for being physically violent or aggressive with a partner. Ask yourself this. Is he violent & aggressive with others? Can he keep a lid on his 'stress' and temper with other people? Can he be self-controlled outside the home? Pleasant and sociable even?

Why then is it just you that it's OK to argue with, put his hands around your neck and push you roughly around? Does he think that apologising afterwards makes it OK? Do the same rules not apply to you as to other people he comes into contact with?

If a stranger walked off the street, into your house and did what he did you'd call the police. I worry that your perception of what is normal, acceptable, loving behaviour has been skewed and that you are giving this man far too much leeway.

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 09:03:29

If you go to Drs please tell them how bad the row was. They willnot judge but need to know so that they can help you properly. Denial is a comfortable place to be, I would challenge you if you won't tell GP why are you prepared to lie for him?

Mosman Mon 04-Mar-13 09:04:50

Ok Warehouse jobs, he needs a forklift license has he got that ? what about looking at supply chain and distribution NVQ type qualifications to lift him above the rats and mice and find a more secure better paid job to support his family ?

TisILeclerc Mon 04-Mar-13 09:13:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeySoulSister Mon 04-Mar-13 09:20:55

There's another thread where a DH is working full time and studying.... He's stressed, he's bullying his family also

It's not exclusive! Stress is everywhere employed or not

Hands round throat? Speak to women's aid... That's a high step to take in his first dv attack..... You need to get out, and yes I've been there

Why did he remove his hands and how?? Hands round throat is a different level iirc...

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