Whenever somebody says they like me or want to get to know me i wonder whats wrong with them

[starshaker]

I have been properly single for 4 years now. I had twins 2.5 years ago (yeah i know) and after that i was ok with myself. Then i got messed about by a couple of guys so im now all defensive. I havent been with anybody in just over 2 years and in that time ive stopped smoking and gained weight. Ive registered to online dating because im fed up being alone all the time. My problem is whenever they say they like how i look i know they are lying so i stop talking to them. Or they get to heavy too quick and it freaks me out.

Im now talking to this guy and have been for about a week and we are getting to know each other. I dont want to mess it up but as soon as somebody mentions they like me or whatever i think there must be something wrong with them for them to like me.

Does that make sense. Im a freak arent i?

[starshaker]

Im seriously fucked up, i know that. I just dont know how to fix me

[ImperialBlether]

I think you need to get off the dating sites, tbh. You are very vulnerable at the moment and you're leaving yourself open to being abused by someone.

How are you getting on with the babies? Are they at nursery? Do you go out to work? If not, are you spending too much time alone?

In your position I think I'd swear off men for a good couple of years and focus on getting good friends instead.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Your self-esteem needs boosting, is all.

And that boost won't come from dating: it can only come from within yourself.

Here's my advice: swear off dating for the moment, and instead work on learning to love your own self. Maybe therapy would help: could be you need to talk through your history with a professional, and work out the roots of your low self-esteem. Or maybe you just need tools to stop and replace negative thought patterns, so cognitive behaviour therapy would work. Or maybe you need to follow a repressed career ambition or creative pursuit.

Basically: you won't be able to enter in any healthy relationships until you are able to feel whole and happy on your own two feet. And that, star shaker, is entirely achievable!

You are an interesting and lovable person. You just need to see it for yourself.

[starshaker]

Nobody can do anything to me that hasn't already been done.

I adore my twins i love being their mum. They start nursery in Aug so will have some free time then. Dont work (not doable in this area with 2 kids needing child care). My time is spent with my children or alone. My friends have their own lives and i dont get to see them much.

I self referred for counselling but was told it could be 6-8 weeks.

I just dont want to be alone my whole life. I want to be more than a mum. Not that that isnt the best thing in the world but i can be a mum and more. I just dont get the chance.

[ImperialBlether]

Do you have a college near you, OP? Could you do something like an Access course or a course that would qualify you for a new job? I work in a college and the mature students have a great time and always make new friends. The courses are in school hours, too, and you keep your benefits.

[starshaker]

College is about an hour away so without childcare not really practical. I have a 7 year old DD aswell. I do hope to start making cakes when they go to nursery then hopefully build on that but thats not really getting me out. I dont manage to make friends easily. I either get used or ignored. Story of my life. Im just a doormat. I let people walk over me

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Sure, if that's how you want to see it. But the day you want to change it, it's within your power. You already made a step towards that by self-referring for counseling, and 6-8 weeks really isn't insurmountable.

[ImperialBlether]

What kind of future would you like for yourself? You seem very low at the moment. If you were to think about a great lifestyle for you and your children, what would it involve? What could you achieve in the next few years?

[starshaker]

I dont want to be me anymore. I want to be better. I want to have confidence. I want to look in the mirror and not hate what i see. I want to feel like i matter

[starshaker]

Reporting the rape was meant to give me closure. It was meant to make me feel like i had some sort of control of my life. I just feel scared. Scared i will see him. Scared he comes to my house and im here on my own like i always am. Scared that this is my life. A pathetic victim that isnt listened to. If somebody wants something from me they just take it. I hate to think my children will see me as pathetic and weak. I want them to be better than me

[starshaker]

sorry im not making sense, im just typing whats in my head and its all messed up

[ImperialBlether]

I'm really sorry, star. I didn't know what had happened. Do you have previous threads?

[starshaker]

Yeah theres other threads. I try to act and feel normal but sometimes it just gets on top of me. Im pretty good at keeping it together in real life. People dont get to see how i feel. Mumsnet does :(

[starshaker]

Sorry this has just turned into a self pitying ranty thread