Feekling so let down by friend!

[soisolated]

Hello, sorry but this really is very trivial compared to other peoples threads but I really don't have the energy to chance AIBU.

Basically best friend did not invite my ds to her ds party. Her ds is really not a sociable little boy, and I and my ds have always made an extra effort to extend invites to him to all my dc parties and round for meals etc... If it had been a small party then it would not have been such an issue but it was a huge one whole class, club friends invited and so on. Saw her yesterday and she immediately told me that her ds didn't want to invite my ds as he didn't want him to fell left out, they are not at the same school, and was doing him a favour not inviting him. This is I feel a pathetic excuse, ds would be heartbroken if he knew and I really don't want him to find out. I told him it was just a family party. (they are 8)

To make matters worse the week before was my ds party to which her ds was invited and she asked if she could bring his older sister. My ds made a particular effort to include them both.

Anyway I know it is trivial but I cannot seem to get past it, this is a friend who I saw every week, spoke to several times a week and really did rely on. I am also pregnant and have very little family support (but a wonderful dh) I was going to tell her yesterday before she told me about her ds massive play-centre party. She even showed me a picture of the cake.

Please can I have your opinions my dh thinks she was being mean but I need some other perspectives, am very hormonal. Even writing it down sounds stupid but I just feel like breaking the friendship. I guess I really don't want ds to know and for it to hurt him but maybe in reality it has been a snub to me too!

[EllieArroway]

Do you think you might be overreacting, just a weeny bit? Not that I blame you - I would probably definitely be hurt too. But, looking at it objectively, she probably left it entirely up to her DS who he invited to his party and he might have decided just to go with school friends, particularly if he was given a maximum number he could invite.

Try not to let an otherwise good friendship fall apart over this. I doubt it was intended as a snub.

[pictish]

I can totally understand why you feel as you do, but I don't think it was a snub either.

[christinarossetti]

If she was trying to snub you or thought your feelings would be hurt, she wouldn't have shown you the picture of the cake etc.

I do understand your position though. It can be terribly hard when you don't have the 'safety net' of family that so many people take for granted esp when pregnant, and any sense of being excluded can get magnified.

Do try not to let this get in the way of what otherwise sounds like a good friendship, hurtful though it is.

[soisolated]

Yeah I am overreacting aren't I. I guess feeling hurt and hormones take my sanity away. Still I don't want to tell her about the pregnancy yet though, I think I will leave it for now.

thank you for your kind replies

[Walkacrossthesand]

She may not have intended a snub, but this tells you very clearly that she doesn't pay as much heed to your DS' feelings as you have done to hers - for goodness sake, it was a big party with friends from several groups there, and the slight possibility of your DS feeling a bit left out here & there (though small boys are very flexible about who they tear around with, IMO) was nothing compared to the guaranteed hurt he would feel by not being invited. Lesson learned - even though you two are friends, never put yourself/your DS out again to be 'inclusive' towards her DS.

[soisolated]

Thanks walksacrossthesand I did think the excuse was a bit crap, I do invest too much and will not be doing so in future

[christinarossetti]

Although would this particular friend consider not inviting OP's DS 'not paying heed to his feelings'?

My experience is that if you've got a good family and social network and generally feeling supported and connected, not getting invited to something is no big deal.

If you're already feeling a bit excluded, then it matters a great deal and hurts.

[Laura0806]

I agree with most of the above, I suspet the fact she told you about the party and the cake means she wasn't trying to deliberately snub you or your son. However, she is clearly not as thoughtful towards you as you are to her. If it were me I would have asked you whether you thought your ds would have liked to have gone. I wouldn't cut of the friendship because of it though, I would just try and widen my friendship circle xxxx

[soisolated]

Also what annoyed as well was that my ds party was the week before and I had invited her ds and she had asked me if her dd could come. I said yes and saw her at the party she could have said then. But she didn't until after the party, it all just feels wrong.

My ds is outgoing and has lots of friends would have been fine at party, she knows this. But he does consider her ds as a special friend, he would be hurt, so he will not find out!

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

She's either got double standards and she's a bit of a taker, or just a bit thick and ignorant!

As others have said, you don't have to lose her as a friend if you don't want to, but definitely don't put yourself out for her.

Not particularly relevant, but when my son has a party (he's 6), I invite everybody regardless if they know each other. What's important to me is that 'all' of his friends are there to celebrate his birthday with him.

[Cerealqueen]

She is just a bit thoughtless and a taker - happy for her Ds and DD to go to your DS's party though, ie you made and exception but her Ds was not asked to.
Distance yourself for a while but don't cut off completely.

[Lavenderhoney]

Agree with walkacrossthesand. And your ds will probably find out as small boys do talk or he will overhear you or see a photo maybe. Perhaps have playdates with other boys and cultivate more friendships for him. Bit cheeky IMO to be ok to come to your party though- no concerns there about her ds feeling left out!

It's ok to bring an older sibling if there is no alternative care, but I wouldn't go to any extra trouble in future, it's a bit one way.

[pinkchoccy]

I would not invite him to my sons party and if he wasnt having a party I would take him out somewhere. Think that it was really lousy of your friend.

[ekidna]

Although it is of course about your sons too, if you are saying that your son is very outgoing I wonder if what your friend was really meaning was that she did not want to invite you/him as she didn't wantyouto feel left out as she realised you are feeling a bit low and she well erm to put it harshly couldn't be arsed. whatever the reason I think your friend was being a thoughtless shit and if it was my BF I would feel a bit hurt.