Quick help please...

[WhatALark]

I'm in pieces as I write this so I'll try to make it as clear as I can:

I live in Italy with my husband and 3 year old son.

Our relationship has been all but over for a very long time.

Following on from some particular nastiness today, husband said he was only with me for DS.

I've told him that if it's true, he should leave FOR THE SAKE OF DS, as well as for our sakes.

He's told me there's no way he's leaving.

I told him I was willing to stay living here, away from my family, and wouldn't deny him access to DS, but asked to find somewhere small and close-by for himself.

He said he wasn't going, that we could still live together, but he's not going to discuss our relationship, as our marriage is over.

He said I can't make him leave.

I know this is very 'he said' 'I said', but I can only really manage to set out the bare bones.

The question I'm asking is he can't just stay here, can he? What can I do to get through to him he has to leave, especially considering he won't talk about our relationship?

[delilahlilah]

I don't know what the situation is in Italy. You need legal advice asap. He sounds like a bully, you cannot live like that. Do you work? Are you able to leave?

[WhatALark]

I work mornings, whilst DS is in nursery, then am home with him in the afternoons.

Yes, he is a bully. He also has pretty bad anger issues.

But I don't want to rip DS's whole world up, and there's nothing jobs-wise back in my home town in the UK.

I just can't believe he can think about staying here, after everything he's said to me today.

[maleview70]

He is probably getting his emotional and physical needs met elsewhere if he can't be bothered with you at all and can probably tolerate the situation based on that.

You need to check the law. Never mind upsetting your son. He is going to be a lot more upset in 20 years when he realises you rated together becuse of him.

If he won't leave then you have to and if I were you and it wasn't breaking any laws then I would head back to the uk.

[badinage]

If you don't own your place, can't you leave if he won't?

Agree that living together after that is a non-starter though and agree he's probably got someone else.

[WhatALark]

I doubt he has someone else. I just can't see it. He had an emotional affair 4 years ago, which had such disastrous consequences for us. I just can't see now who he could be seeing, and when... and I just can't see it.

I could look for another place. Mine and DS's whole life is in this neighbourhood, though - great nursery, my place of work, all our friends... plus, it's started to feel like home. It's far too big for husband on his own, plus he commutes from here to his place of work.

[WhatALark]

I'm just so unhappy.

[delilahlilah]

If he realises that you will leave if he doesn't, then he may change his plans. He is being stubborn as he arrogantly believes you will just have to put up with the status quo. Consequences are clearly not a problem for him any more though, that's the difference. He could well be playing away. It doesn't matter really, DS is the important one. Make it clear you are looking for somewhere else, and find out what the legal standpoint is regarding custody, access etc in Italy. Don't let him keep you under his control. You need to be happy for DS as well as for yourself.

[badinage]

If he's already had an affair before, chances are it's happening again. But thank fuck for that really - why were you staying with a bully with anger issues?

You don't have to move neighbourhood, just look for another place. As delilah says, if you say you'll move out if he doesn't, that might shift him. It's great that you work and have good friends there.