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(MIL related, sorry) Should I trust my MIL? WWYD

(16 Posts)
littlebearandthecoconut Mon 11-Feb-13 19:58:40

shh- I dont really think she can commit to reg childcare. I think she will end up getting more stressed& I know she is the kind of person who wont tell us if things are too much of a strain for her.

I have thought alot about this. I am going to upset at least 1 person (even if I am as diplomatic as possible) because either my mil will be offended or oh will be annoyed

littlebearandthecoconut Mon 11-Feb-13 17:08:59

crazy - There is another relative who will be retiring soon who is going to help with mil's mum but I do feel this will still be too much. I want whats best for the kids&mil. I think my mil is under lots of stress.

ShhHesAsleep Mon 11-Feb-13 16:35:49

If your OH thinks that looking after the 2 children together is easy enough for his mum, why not let him do the same this weekend while you do something out of the house. You've to do no preparation- leave him to it while you go shopping, meet a friend or whatever. He may feel differently about what it is to have sole responsibility. Would the approach of saying his mum should have the pleasure of visits without the responsibility be likely to work?

If you go ahead with MIL doing childcare, are you confident that she'd let you know if she does find it too much for her? If she's the type to struggle on but not say anything... Not good. I agree with the PP about mil having enough responsibility already with being a carer for her mum. How can she commit to regular childcare?

CrazyOldCatLady Mon 11-Feb-13 16:20:48

I think it would probably be a bit much. My parents take my two two days a week; this started when they were 6 months and 2, now they're 1 and 2.6. My parents find it a fulltime job on those two days - it's basically one child each all day. They get huge enjoyment from it but it's exhausting for them.

Also, if your MIL looks after her own mum when she's ill, what happens to the kids when that happens?

littlebearandthecoconut Mon 11-Feb-13 15:56:26

Hi thanks for everyone's replies.

I think she probably was less careful because I was there. Im going to look into the cm or a nursery having them/2 yr old. I think its too much for her. I know it will be hard with my OH. he already thinks im overacting

fluffyraggies Mon 11-Feb-13 09:46:45

I second the 'baby only' idea for a while at least.

Having sudden sole charge of a 2 yo and a small baby may well be too much. Looking after kids safely isn't rocket science, but it's easy to forget how, as parents, we have become good at juggling our children safely because we've done it from day 1 and learned along the way. It would be awful for everyone if something happened because she had taken on too much too soon.

I have to say that personally if my mum or MIL did that then i wouldn't feel happy leaving my kids with them. I'd worry myself sick. I may be being overly cautious but for me the risk while they are that tiny just isn't worth the gain.

ShhHesAsleep Sun 10-Feb-13 23:32:04

I think that looking after a 6mo and a toddler would be too much for many people. Your 6mo may seem easy to keep safe now, but will soon be on the go- crawling, trying to stand and eventually walking. So even entrusting only the 6mo to mil requires her to be constantly vigilant.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sun 10-Feb-13 23:03:06

I think she may be more careful if you are not around. As you were there she may have been feeling a little more relaxed than if she were on her own.

DialsMavis Sun 10-Feb-13 23:02:29

Do you think she was being less careful because you were there & she wasn't in sole charge?

littlebearandthecoconut Sun 10-Feb-13 22:51:45

Happy- Im sure there are lots of near misses etc. My 2 yr old is like a whirlwind. I think my main concern is she let go of the reins&didnt notice him running towards a main rd. like the belted reins,might help.

jayho- She wont be collecting ds regurlarly. I think insisting on her using the double would give us peace of mind. journeys would be local shops only really

jayho Sat 09-Feb-13 10:18:27

I was going to suggest a double buggy. How much is she likely to go out? What are routes she is likely to take like? Will she be collecting ds from school?

HappyAsASandboy Sat 09-Feb-13 10:06:44

I think most people have had some sort of near miss with a toddler, whether it be with a hot drink or running off or turning from the washing up to find the toddler on the table. Your MIL has probably had her shock, and IME those shocks sharpen you up and remind you how fast/smart/inventive little people can be.

If I were you, I would let her have them both as planned. You can get reins with a wrist strap or a belt for your MIL to wear, then she'd couldn't let go of the reins whatever distracts her (the belt ones are fab. Because the reins are clipped to your belt, you have both hands free to hold baby/find purse/fold buggy etc).

I think the question to ask yourself is whether she can do as good a job caring for your children as you do. If someone was to shadow you all day for a week, would there really not be a single moment when they thought you were lucky nothing serious happened?

The belted reins are here if you're interested smile

littlebearandthecoconut Sat 09-Feb-13 09:47:39

Bellebelle- Mil is prone to being easily distracted/have lapses in concentration. She usually reminds my fil of risks though. So I would say she is quite aware usually.

double-thats a good idea. Maybe that would give us a way of making sure kids are safe/mil is not too stressed out. One thing is she probably would take my double if shes alone but I know she hates using it so would be worried she might attempt single&reins. suppose ground rules would have to be in place. just want to make right decisions diplomatically. thanks for replies.

doublecakeplease Sat 09-Feb-13 08:47:35

Accidents happen but i'd worry too - could she maybe start by just taking the baby at first whilst the toddler goes to nursery?? See how that goes then if it was and she can manage then she can have both??

Bellebelle Sat 09-Feb-13 08:39:42

As you say, accidents can happen and we all get distracted sometimes but I guess the question is whether you think this was completely out of character for your MIL or if knowing her as well as you do that you could see this as typical behaviour iyswim?

littlebearandthecoconut Sat 09-Feb-13 08:34:34

Firstly this is not a bad MIL thread. I love my MIL she is fab. She is kind, lovely and adores my whole family. She is also generous and has been under a lot of pressure lately due to her own mother being ill (mil is retired and cares for her mother when she is ill). We are a proper family unit and help one another and are generally very close.

My Mil has offered to look after my 6 month old and 2 year old one day a week while I am at work. The other 2 days they are going to a childminder. This is a kind offer and it is extremely helpful to us as we are on a lowish income and the children will also enjoy being with their nan. Mil has spoken about how she is really looking forward to caring for the kids and had offered to have them for more days but I did not want to take advantage as I think she needs and deserves time to herself to enjoy being retired.

Here comes the nitty gritty bit. Yesterday an incident happened which has made me wonder whether she is able to look after my children safely. This obviously is my priority and I need to feel 100% that they are happy and safe while I am away from them.

My mil was holding my 2 year old on reins. I had the single pushchair with my 6 month old in it. (My mil likes holding the reins and is usually confident and able to do this). However, we had just gone into school to collect my elder son. We were walking out of school. My eldest started moaning about having too much to carry so I stopped walking and put his book bag on the pushchair/sorted it out. My mil was distracted even though I was already sorting out my son. My mil let go of the reins (I didnt see her let go as I was sorting my son and wrongly assumed that she would not let go of the reins) and started fussing over eldest son. I saw my 2 year old running towards the main road. I screamed his name and started running with my pushchair to try and catch him. My mil started running and managed to catch him just as he was running off the kerb and into the road. He was ok thank god. He wouldnt have stood a chance if a car had been coming as the drivers would not have been able to stop in that time.

I know that accidents can happen but my concerns are firstly that she let go of the reins. Secondly she had not noticed that my son was running away. She only noticed when I screamed and started running. We were all incredibly shook up and I know that my mil was as upset as me but I am scared that if she is distracted then something may happen again.

My OH and I are going to speak about this to her (I was in shock after it happened and did not speak about it at the time as I was shocked iyswim). OH felt that I was overacting slightly. I would rather send my children to a childminder for an extra day than worry that this will happen again. On the other hand I also know that my mil is anxious about her mum and was distracted and in addition my eldest was distracting and nagging. I just dont know what to do. I guess it depends on the how this talk goes with mil really.

Sorry its long. Need other perspectives

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