how to deal with DP's anger issues? long sorry!

[DreamingOfGreen]

this might turn out to be a long one! i don't really know where to start. last night myself and DP had a minor disagreement about planning for our future, we are currently unhappy living where we are and we both have different ideas of where we want to live. this in itself is not the issue. this issue is the way he reacts whenever something bothers him. what started as a minor thing ended with him leaving the room while i was speaking to to him as he said he could feel tension building so he left the room. then when he came back in, i tried speaking to him again about it and he shouted, very loudly, in my face 'shut your fucking mouth!' i can't even remember what i said to make him react like that. he then apologised and said he was getting angry and irate.

this is by no means the first time this has happened, he is bipolar and he has been much worse than this, he sometimes shouts and throws things around the room and smashes stuff. he has never directed this anger towards me or DD (13 months) but i do have serious issues with it, obviously. it is sometimes triggered by DD's crying if i'm trying to deal with her having a hissy fit about something he will sometimes shout 'shut that fucking child up' and he will look like he is about to punch something. he is a big guy and before DD was born he was never ever aggressive in this manner. he has found fatherhood rather difficult to settle in to (DD was not planned) and he seems to blame all his anger issues on DD's crying/behaviour etc. i try and explain that it is not DD's fault, it is his inability to deal with her that is the problem. it really bothers me that DD has seen him be aggressive and she is sometimes visibly scared of him.

after our little row last night i found that he left open a page on the net which was entitled 'when to end a relationship'. he speaks often of the fact that he thinks i don't like him as much anymore (not true, the only issue i have is the anger) and he feels like the relationship isn't working. however, as he is bipolar, one minute he is feeling like its great, then the next he thinks its awful and going to end.

i don't know what to do anymore, the more he has these angry outbursts the more i feel like i will have no choice but to end the relationship. i want him to get help, he always says he will but never follows through. i really don't understand bipolar issues and think he is just being ridiculous a lot of the time. maybe i need to work on this but i am at my wits end. please help!!

[DreamingOfGreen]

i have also name changing for the above post as i have a feeling he looks on mumsnet sometimes!!

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

How to deal with his issues?

He has to deal with them (...or not, as the case may be).

You only have two choices: accept his unacceptable behaviour, or leave.

Ask yourself: What kind of treatment do you deserve, dreaming? And are you getting it in this relationship?

[pictish]

Sounds like an aggressive, manipulative fucking arse to me!

So how do you deal with him? Well...you don't.
These problems are his. It's not up to you to deal with them...they're not your problems.

What is he going to do to deal with his problems. That's what you need to be asking.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Agreeing with HotDamn... you cannot manage or change how this man chooses to behave. He blames you. He blames a baby. You're making excuses about him finding fatherhood difficult, being bi-polar, and how he's 'been worse'... as if that makes it OK. Verbal abuse is violence. Smashing things up is violence. It is entirely his choice to behave this way and entirely his responsibility to decide to not behave this way

You can only decide whether or not you're willing to carry on being the victim of his aggression and subjecting your child to the same treatment. I don't think either of you are safe.

[izzyizin]

'it really bothers me that DD has seen him be aggressive and she is sometimes visibly scared of him.

The fact that your dd is visibly scared of her father at only 13 mos old tells you all you need to know about 'how to deal with' his anger issues.

You need to end this relationship NOW to prevent any further trauma being inflicted on your dd.

If he is so inclined, let him deal with his anger issues in another location and do not allow your dd to have any unsupervised contact with him.

Visit //www.womensaid.org.uk and start making plans to leave asap.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

'shut your fucking mouth!'

If a man said this to me, I couldn't live in the same house.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

And if a man frightened my child?

It would be over.

[pictish]

I agree cog.

The first thing to do above all else OP, is to stop making excuses for him. He is being abusive, and that is nowt to do with bipolar, or because he's struggling to adapt to fatherhood...it's because he is selfish and nasty.

That's your starting point. You said yourself you think he's being ridiculous. Listen to yourself. Trust your instincts and don't be talked down by a barrage of excuses or apologies. It is what it is.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

You and your H were trying to make plans for your future.

May I suggest that you make plans for your own future and that of your dc?

The fact you referred to this as "our little row last night" is a bit chilling.

it was not a little row

[pictish]

"Shut you fucking mouth"

How vulgar, aggressive and disrespectful.

Does he speak to his mum like that? His boss? His friends?

No - of course he doesn't. He saves the very worst of himself all for you.
He hasn't got an anger problem, he has an abuse problem.

[DreamingOfGreen]

i have thought about this a lot recently and pretty much everything you all have said has gone though my head at some point! it sickens me that has scared DD and at the time i did think, i can't do this any more.
but then he calms down and talk about it and blah blah blah. i have been reading a bit about bipolar and i am worried that if i left he would do something unreasonable like hurt himself, or worse. sometimes he says he doesn't know how he would carry on if me and DD weren't around and then other times he says i should just leave. he is a very confusing person to live with!!

[DreamingOfGreen]

btw, if i disappear for a while its cos DP has got up (he works evenings/nights!)

[pictish]

Yes...all abusers are nice for a proportion of the time, and often very contrite about their abusive episodes...they wouldn't be able to get any woman to actually stay with them if they weren't, would they?
The very fact that the behaviour returns time and agian is all you need to understand.
He wants to behave like that, he feels entitled to behave like that, and he WILL continue to behave like that.

And he'll blame you.

[pictish]

Or he'll blame his bipolar/stress/being a father/lack of money/hating where you live/feeling depressed/whatever whatever whatever....

Either way, he fully expects you to suck up his shit.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

i am worried that if i left he would do something unreasonable like hurt himself, or worse. sometimes he says he doesn't know how he would carry on if me and DD weren't around

again: not your responsibility. His actions, his responsibility.

Read this rather than stuff on bipolar

[pictish]

OP I too thoroughly recommend the Bancroft book.
It certainly opened my eyes.

[OxfordBags]

OP, this is abuse. The fact that he is nice sometimes does not stop it being abuse. If abusers were nasty all the time, no-one would wver stay with them or have kids with them. I think his Bipolar is confusing things and you are both using it as an escuse for abusiveness. Believe me, he would be abusive if he was not Bipolar. And it's also pretty abusive to not get help for his Bipolar. He knows it's a condition that can affect his behaviour and that that will adversely affect those around him and he chooses not to get help for that. He. Just. Doesn't. Care.

The fact that your DD is barely over a year old and yet visibly scared of him tells you everything you need to know. She understands he is a danger and an abuser whilst you try to minimise the problem and convince yourself it is just his mental health or him just being off sometime. You can't stay with him because you are scared his Bipolar might get worse or he might harm himself. These things are his responsibility to get help for, both in the relationship and out of it.

Abuse often happens after a child is born. Something about the new vulnerability and dependency of a woman who has become a mother and the vulnerability of a baby seem to click on a switch for men who are deeply inadequate and damaged and make them need to be superior and to indulge all their anger and frustration on the people he sees as beneath him, as mere objects to either make him happy or to vent his problems onto - you and your DD.

There is only one way for you to deal with his many issues - you leave.

Or you stay and help him teach your daughter to be an abuse victim when she is an adult.

This man is very damaged and troubled. He should not be in a relationship with anyone. He should be single and getting as much help for all his problems as possible.

[Lueji]

You don't have to deal with it. He has.

Preferably away from you.

I'm afraid you have to set up boundaries with him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You and he should not be together; its not working and what you have tried to date has not worked. He is not yours to rescue and or save.

You describe last night as well as a little row; that shows me how much you've been conditioned to accept this abusive treatment of yourselves at his hands.

BTW has he been medically diagnosed re bipolar?

Do talk to Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

You and your DD do not have to live like this.

[izzyizin]

He'll carry on if you and dd weren't around. In fact, he'll engage in a right old carry on about you being the light of his life, making false promises to change if only you'll take him back, etc etc ad nauseum.

He may make threats to do away with himself if you fail to jump to it listen to his pleas but, should this occur, he'll carry on living because twunts like him have no intention of missing out on the pleasure they get from tormenting weak women by shaking off this mortal coil prematurely.

[expatinscotland]

This person is abusive. You need to leave.

[AgathaF]

sometimes he says he doesn't know how he would carry on if me and DD weren't around and then other times he says i should just leave.

It's not for him to tell you to stay or leave. He is abusive and violent. He is a danger to your baby. She is already frightened of him. Your responsibility, as her mother, is to protect her and that is what you must do now. By leaving this man.

It will more than likely escalate if you stay. Your baby could be in much more danger by the time whe reaches the age of 2 and has learnt to say 'no' and be a normally full-on toddler. She is also learning everything she sees. She is learning that men are violent and shout - and that that is normal. She will take these lessons into her adult life unless you get her out of this awful, abusive home life.

[izzyizin]

Do you realise that your baby is exhibiting behaviour commonly found in infants who live in warzones?

And she's doing this in her home. The one place where she should be safe from harm. In a country which is not engaged in civil war.

[cestlavielife]

"i am worried that if i left he would do something unreasonable like hurt himself, or worse. sometimes he says he doesn't know how he would carry on if me and DD weren't around and then other times he says i should just leave. he is a very confusing person to live with!! "

no - and it wont get easier.
best you live separately as of now and you arange set times for him to see dd - when he can cope with her.

will he harm himself if you leave?
well maybe. but guess what it will be his choice...has he threatened to do so? next time he does call 999 .


"shouts and throws things around the room and smashes stuff. he has never directed this anger towards me or DD "

he doesnt need to direct it AT you or dd for it to be abusive.
it makes you and dd feel scared.
and an object could so easily hit dd or you by accident.

it isnt acceptable behaviour.
you shoudl not live with it.

how do you eal with his anger? by removing it from your life, by removing him; seet your boundaries - f he cant be calm, he isnt in your house. it is that simple. doesnt mater if is due to MH or not - your DD should live in a peaceful calm environment. 24/7 365 days a year not waiting for the next ouburst

if he needs medication -he should take it. but have him take meds/therapy away from you and learn to control himself. if he was your nanny/childminder behaving like this - you would have sacked her by now, right?

if he is choosing to do this - he needs to be away from you