Unknown

[MouseyHousey]

I never thought this would happen to me, but I guess everyone feels like that when they find out their OH has been having an affair.
Basically the back story is we got married 8 months ago. Last year was really stressful for both of us. Husband got a new job across the country, we were living apart for 8 months while I tried to sell our old house, buying a new house, planning for the wedding, my family had some major issues, my mum decided to cut me out, my grandma became seriously unwell etc etc
Since the new year my husband had been acting very suspicously, hiding his phone, not letting me see texts he was receiving and being generally distant.
I checked his phone and he had deleted all messages from it which is very unlike him. Then last sunday I hacked into his facebook and found messages between him and this girl that had been deleted.
They had been messaging each other since the beginning of December and had exchanged numbers at the beginning of January. The messages were fairly explicit, imagining how it would be if they were together and him saying if it was 5 years ago it would be her next to him.
I kicked him out, hes staying at his parents and I just dont know where to go from here.
I think I want to try to salvage our marriage but it is too soon for me to give a definitive answer.
Husband has apologised profusely, told me it was a stupid mistake and that he loves me and our family and wants to work this out and stay together. He has answered all the questions I have fired at him and told me how far it went (they kissed) He seems genuinely remorseful and knows he has been a prize idiot. But it just doesnt feel like enoughfor me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't feel that you are either obliged to do anything or rush into a decision. You've done the right thing taking some time out from each other. Give yourself time to think... and I mean really think... about what you want from life and how you feel about your husband. If you don't believe him or can't trust him then you are perfectly entitled to ask him to stay away. You are under no obligation. Good luck

[MouseyHousey]

Sorry didnt finish that just clicked post too soon and hadnt even written a title.
A friend of mine said its not like hes banging the door down to get in or on his knees with two dozen roses begging for forgiveness. I think to be honest that is the problem. Not that I want two dozen roses but I want to feel like he is really putting himself out there and making an effort to show how sorry he is/ how much he says he loves me.
So far it has just been words and since hes broken our marriage vows his words dont mean too much at the moment.
Can you please give me advice or tell me how your cheating partner was after the affair came out. In one way I feel like if hes not going to make the effort i cant force him into it but I want him to see how im feeling.

[nefertarii]

With regards to the issue of him beating your door down trying to get you back. I would say its difficult for us to say if he just is not that bothered or he is genuinely trying to give you space.

The advice given here to women who have discovered emotional affairs is to get space from their dh, so they can make their minds up with out his influence.

In regards to the rest of it. I am sorry this has happened. If you want to stay together Ts going to be hard work and can happen. But can you get over him telling her he would rather be with her?

Is there anything he can do to make you forget that?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Can you please give me advice or tell me how your cheating partner was after the affair came out"

In my case, he left, was very apologetic, said he loved me, claimed it was a big mistake.... then came back but didn't seem to be making much of an effort. No red roses on his part either. It was a case of don't mention it and we'll get past it quicker. We went on a holiday as part of that process, it was all very strained, I started to see him for the arse he really was, decided I didn't like him very much..... and then I caught him telephoning the OW in the middle of the night. We separated on our return.

[meditrina]

I don't think the sweeping 'romantic' gestures of red roses will help in the slightest.

You need time to let the first shock subside, and have time to think about whether you want him in your life at all; is this one terrible mistake or does it reinforce other things which (with hindsight?) you realise were not quite right.

Also see how he uses the time apart - does he immediately and unambiguously break it off with OW? Is he genuinely sorry, ready to take full responsibility for what he did, and really committed to really working on himself and the relationship? Does he realise how devastating this betrayal is? And is he in it for the long haul? For it can take months to decide whether to even attempt a reconciliation, and it can be the work of years to get back to an acceptable new stability.

You also need to think about securing your finances and other admin during the separation.