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Don't want to upset dil

(63 Posts)
Concernedmil Tue 29-Jan-13 16:48:35

I live on my own, and my youngest son has suggested that I move to live near to his family. I would love to do this.
however, my dil, who is very close to her mother, has always wanted her parents to live near her. they would like to do this, but due to family circumstances can't do so at the moment. They spend far more time with my sons family than I do, visiting for a few days at a time but that has been fine with me.
I appreciate that a daughters bond with her mother is extra special but I have two sons, so have never had this.
I have already said to my son, that I would have no intention of keep 'popping' round to their house.
I think this situation has caused some tension between my son and his wife which is upsetting me and has taken the shine off the idea of moving near to them. However, I feel that my dil must understand that my two sons are my only family and I would like to be near one of them as much as her mother would like to be by her.
Any thoughts please?

EggRules Tue 29-Jan-13 20:03:56

You say you "would enjoy them popping in, even if only for a few minutes". If my inlaws moved closer this is what would concern me most.

I don't know how your dil feels however, I hate pop in visitors. Even if my ils didn't mind the house not being visitor ready I would. I have lived apart from family so the idea of no being prepared for visitors would really bother me.
Also, I work from home at lot and would hate the interuption.

It could be that you dil has been bamboozled by your DS. Whilst you would prefer different communication, your DIL may be entirely happy. Why shouldn't messages about your dgc come via your son?

diddl Tue 29-Jan-13 20:08:14

If the DIL wishes her mum lived close-why can´t OP´s son also?

It´s not all about DIL & what she wants!

Egg- I think OP means her GC popping in to her as & when.

MerlotAndMe Tue 29-Jan-13 21:48:24

I sympathise. SOme women seem to expect their husband's mother to fade away for their convenience. however, saying that, I have no contact whatsoever with my xmil because she is a so nasty but I always welcomed her when I was with her son, and before she turned on me.

mentlejen Tue 29-Jan-13 22:28:27

Is strikes me, OP, that this is entirely your decision to make and a sensible one at that if the business is relocated. You're moving with your work and as far as DIL is concerned perhaps it could be stressed to her that this primary reason you're thinking of making a move..

The stuff about her own parents is just unhelpful noise in all this. Your decision to relocate has no bearing on what they can or can't do! I'd much rather have loving and capable grandparents around and involved than not, whichever grandparents that works for!

I think how your DS and DIL handle it is up to them to sort out. It might help them to know that there will still be plenty of respect for their boundaries and an ongoing negotiation about how you can best be part of each others' lives in a day to day sense.

I think a common DIL concern is that because of the quality of the mother and son relationship, the MIL can often see no wrong in the son and has a nagging (quiet) feeling that their DIL isn't quite good enough for their beloved son. Mothers seem to feel very protective over their sons in adulthood in a way they don't with daughters. And DIL's are keenly aware (and slightly over-sensitive) to this. As an older woman I know says ' your son is always your son. Your daughter grows into either your friend, enemy or caretaker'. Having MIL in close proximity might make DIL worried about highlighting these issues...

This is your decision, not your DIL's. Even if she has reservations about what you decide, the proof of the pudding will be in the eating of it. How you go about negotiating the contact and boundaries will be eventually much more important than her initial reaction to the idea right now. Don't let it put you off but let it help you think about how to map the road ahead.

If anyone had told me two years ago where my MIL and I would be today in terms of our relationship, respect and friendship - I wouldn't have believed it. I feel so lucky now to have her nearby. Good luck!

Jux Tue 29-Jan-13 22:36:33

EggRules, I think the op is not talking about popping in to theirs herself, she is talking about them popping in to her. Which they would only do if they wanted to. I don't get the impression that Concernedmil would be constantly putting upon her son's family. Far from it.

CM, I really do think that if your dil can't see how sensible it is for you to relocate along with the business, then she and your son will have much greater problems than anything you could cause.

On the face of it, it looks like there is some serious misunderstandings going on between them. Either he hasn't explained it properly to her, or she has badly misunderstood.

Unless she thinks that you will be popping in at the drop of a hat.

EggRules Tue 29-Jan-13 22:46:56

Sorry - you are right, OP would like DS pop in visitors. I am projecting my hatred of pop in visitors. There may not be a massive change but things will be different and this may concern DW/DIL.

Nobody knows why the tension exists. If it is because the op's DS hasn't discussed this with his wife until it's more or less sorted, I can understand it; I don't think the OP is responsible though.

diddl Wed 30-Jan-13 07:26:38

The thing is though, why does anything need discussing with DIL?

OP doesn´t need her permission to move!

OK, so if OPs son talks to his wife about the business relocating, then maybe he could mention that OP might move with it.

But that´s the conversation really, isn´t it?

YellowTulips Wed 30-Jan-13 14:59:49

I would be tempted to go an visit your DS and DIL and speak to them face to face.

I love my MIL (and FIL, as do the children) but have to admit would be nervous about them moving "near" (they about about 2hrs away atm).

I really value my privicy and wouldn't want every weekend dominated by them or just popping round at will. As it is we see them every 6 weeks or so and call/skype regularly. I wouldn't mind them moving closer or seeing them more often, but I would be worried about our family unit being the sole centre of their social focus.

You have said you have no intention of doing this, but does she know that? Is it really about her parents? How well has your DS communicated to her about this (I love my DH, but I wouldn't "broker" this type of communication through him as its as much an emotional decision as a practical one).

Its a big move for you and I would be worried about pressing forward if they are unhappy - especially if it was due to a mis-understanding.

You have the opportunity to get all this out in the open with a visit. Get her involved in the house hunting. Make clear you are not looking to move next door - look at locations that are 30/40 mins away i.e.easy to visit, but not just "pop in" and give you both a degree of social privicy. Explain how you will build your own social circle in your new location and that you have no intention of them being the sole focus of your life. Set expectations of how often you would visit. Say how nice it would be if her family could move closer in time etc etc.

ArbitraryUsername Wed 30-Jan-13 15:14:08

I would love it if the PILs lived closer to us. They're many hours drive away at the moment, so we don't get to see them much and when we do it's always a bit full on. DH drives MIL mad and she can't cope with staying in the same house as him for too long (he is quite annoying, tbh). There are so many advantages of having GPs close: they could babysit, visits could be short and at everyone's convenience (and everyone could go home and sleep in their own beds), they could take the kids out when it suits them/us, etc, etc. The kids would love it!

I don't understand your DIL's reasoning here at all. Your moving closer has absolutely nothing to do with whether her parents can move closer to them. It would be very odd to take a 'well if my parents can't live close, neither can yours' line on this. There's no advantage to it. But people can be odd...

Concernedmil Wed 30-Jan-13 16:18:02

Just bumping as can't find this in relationships now - only when I look in 'thread that I am on@

Mytimewillcome Wed 30-Jan-13 16:28:30

Is there more to this? I can't believe that your DIL would communicate with you via your son unless something had happened to make her do this. I know I do this with my MIL because of things that have happened in the past. I can't believe it is simply because she wanted her parents to move near her.

Crinkle77 Wed 30-Jan-13 16:33:00

Sorry but your DIL sounds a little pathetic. So she would be upset if you moved nearer to them before her parents did?

AThingInYourLife Wed 30-Jan-13 16:42:12

"I think that what is upsetting DIL is the fact that she has wanted her parents to live near her for so long and now there is a possibility I could be nearer them first."


That makes no sense.

You can live where you like. She gets no say in the matter unless you are moving into their home.

"I can't believe that your DIL would communicate with you via your son unless something had happened to make her do this."

I communicate with my MIL through DH mostly.

I'm afraid that if I started communicating with her directly, he would stop.

He is terribly lazy about that kind of thing.

I don't want it to end up that he communicates with his own mother through me.

I'm very fond of her though.

EggRules Wed 30-Jan-13 17:14:30

I communicate with my mil through her son. Firstly, he should take responsibility for conversations about his own child with his mum (I'm not prepared to be family PA). Secondly, he is another one that wouldn't communicate unless he took the initiative. I catch up with my own parents what's app, fb and text. I don't always have time to chat on the phone.

How do you know what the dil feels about the situation?

nefertarii Wed 30-Jan-13 18:15:54

I think the dil is pissed off as your son has come up with this amazing plan and spoke to you first. usually in marriages you would speak to your partner first. even if its just a 'i was thinking of relocating the business nearer home and I thought I might see if mum wanted to move closer' type conversation. not asking permission but keeping your partner upto date.

Or is it possible that since you spend % days a week with your son, its a bit much to move so you can see them on weekends too? Is it possible she thinks your relationship is a bit ott?

Seriouslysleepdeprived Wed 30-Jan-13 18:37:35

I also communicate with my mil through DH. I occasionally email or text direct but will often get a message back via DH which he always forgets to give me. For ages I thought she was being rude! She's not. She's a v nice woman.

I would love my pil to move closer and to see them a bit more. It's a bit one sided with DH's family, we always need to trek their way. Would be great to have people popping in and being involved. DS would love it smile

Springdiva Wed 30-Jan-13 19:34:35

Well, what's meant by 'near'.

I wouldn't want my mil near. The next town yes, a bus ride away, maybe, but just up the road no.

You don't say what age you are OP but if you feel you are getting older and will need help with things soon then if I was dil I would be a bit wary. This is what my two sons are my only family and I would like to be near one of them sounds like to me.

If you are moving to reduce the commute distance to work and because the new town will provide a vibrant and exciting social life for you then move. If you are moving so that family can fill empty time then not so good. But you could say that you will be available for babysitting regularly, rather than expecting them to pop in. But you don't say what age the GCs are.

fluffyraggies Wed 30-Jan-13 19:44:47

About the communicating through the DS bit: my DH does the communicating with his mum about stuff and i do any communicating with mine. It's not because we hate our MILs it's because ... well ... when his mum rings he answers and she chats to him and vice versa. If we're all face to face we all chat together. But that situation only occurs every 5 or 6 weeks. Also don't forget in OPs case she actually sees her son every day.

OP i think you're doing the right thing by treading carefully as, as reasonable or unreasonable as it may seem to some, this could indeed be a potential mine field.

Is the 'coolness' from your DIL any way related, do you think, by the amount you and your DS see of each other? (as you work in the same business). Perhaps your DIL hears allot about what you think, though your DS, or finds he relays allot of family stuff to you that she might have kept quiet about? I don't know. I'm just fishing about for things to think about re: your DS, your DIL, and you that you may not have thought of. I wouldn't worry too much about her parents moving/not moving. That's up to them.

Personally I wouldn't trust my DH (or anyone else) as a go between for my MIL and me on an issue as important and delicate as who moves where, and how i feel about my parents. He just wouldn't be able to get the nuances right i don't think. Also, if i heard through my DH that my MIL was thinking of moving close by i would expect a little face to face something from her to me to make sure i was ok with it. It's common sense MIL/DIL stuff smile

I think you need to sit down with your DIL, perhaps without your DS, and tell her how you feel, how you're are worried about how she feels, and get it all out in the open.

Chrysanthemum5 Thu 31-Jan-13 09:53:20

Ok, I realise I'm biased about this because I really love my ILs, and I'm overjoyed that they have moved to our town. But, can't the DIL see that it will be nice for her DCs to have closer access to their grandparent? For the OP to be able to go to sports day, or concerts, or just help with homework?

Most of us will be MILs at some point, and I think it's worth treating people as you would hope to be treated yourself.

fluffyraggies Thu 31-Jan-13 11:07:03

But that's exactly it chrysanthemum. Not all of us are the same about what is a nice way to be treated IYKWIM?

For eg: i hate being 'popped in on', at home. I like my space and i like to know who's coming into it and when. An exception to this that i can foresee is my DCs, once they've left home. My door will always be open to them, and i will tell them so. My DCs, however, may well not be ok about me popping in on them. And if and when that time comes i'll respect that because the dynamics are different.

I'm not saying OP is a 'pop in'er', just using this as an example of how perfectly good intentions can go wrong.

This is why it's important for OP to talk to her DIL. It's not good to assume someone will be fine about something just because you are. Once things are discussed properly the DIL probably will start to see the good in having her MIL close by.

Communication, communication, communication smile

diddl Thu 31-Jan-13 12:51:45

Thing is, it´s not really anything to do with DIL, is it?

If the office is to be moved & it´s more convenient for OP, then why shouldn´t she move?

It will only concern DIL if OP turns up frequently expecting to be let in...

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 31-Jan-13 13:40:32

Springdiva - who should a MIL turn to for help then, if not her own children? If you would help your own parents then why shouldn't your husband help his? Especially if they have no daughter.

HollyMadison Thu 31-Jan-13 13:43:17

Am I the only one who doesn't get why DS/DH is discussing with his mother what seems to be private conversations between him and his wife (albeit we don't know what is said)? I'd be livid if I found my DH was doing this.

I agree with others about the communication about DC's presents being with DH. Why should it be between MIL and DIL anyway? Isn't DS/DH the DC's parent too?

I've tied myself in knots with the acronyms so I'll leave now! Although if I were you OP I wouldn't start planning a move until the office relocation is actually sorted!

diddl Thu 31-Jan-13 14:14:06

Perhaps he also wants his mother´s opinion before he relocates the business that she works at!

TheCatIsEatingIt Thu 31-Jan-13 14:30:04

I think you need to talk to DS and DIL and sort out your expectations of each other. She might be sad that her parents are far away, but that doesn't mean she and the kids couldn't enjoy having you nearer - maybe she's worried that you're a popper-in and she likes to be prepared for visitors - that's manageable as long as you talk about it in advance.

My parents and ILs are both 10 minutes walk away, and it works really well. MIL is a popper-in, but she understands that if I'm working, I won't invite her in, and if I'm free, I will. She also understands that if we're both really busy with work, housework takes a back seat for a few days. Both sets have a key, but neither uses it to let themselves in unexpectedly.

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