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advice please.....crying and hyperventilation

(35 Posts)
debz3610 Wed 23-Jan-13 22:51:48

please advise. Just had a huge bust up with my husband. Things havent been right for weeks, probably months. He doesnt speak to me, wont even sit in the same room as me. And he says its all about the state of the house. Now the house is untidy with toys and clothes drying etc etc but isnt that the norm?! He also does, nothing. I work two days a week and the rest of the time i like to do fun activities with dd. It all came out tonight that apparently im a pig, my heart is not in being a mother, i neglect our daughter, all i care about is myself and going out with friends. Im only 22, and i did have a couple of nights out over christmas. But he is older, doesnt drink and is very work minded.Ive also been looking at going back to uni, he is dead against this and says my job is at home with our daughter. Is he right?
It ended with me going to my mums tomorow, and he says its all my fault as im being selfish refusing to move an inch with "being a pig". Im not a naturally tidy person, and dont sweat the small things. He is a complete control freak. Someone tell me what to do (apart from the obvious drive into the middle of nowhere whilst blasting Taylor Swift and smoking a million cigarettes)
Sorry for the rabble, TIA

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 01:20:45

Listen to Wordy. Take no notice of any protestations of remorse, promises to change etc.

Just go right ahead and divorce him before legal aid isn't available to you;
you can always remarry him, albeit it you'd be a fool to do so as leopards are not noted for changing their spots.

ladyWordy Fri 25-Jan-13 01:15:50

debz... if he follows the usual pattern, you may now receive some combination of sob stories, 'I've changed, I know I was wrong' stories, flowers, tears, professions of love and loyalty, suicide threats, ordinary threats, fake concern for your mental health, or just a large nauseating dose of charm.

If so, be assured this is all fakery, designed to get you back in harness and under his control.

Keep strong, and keep thinking of your college place and your dd...

Anniegetyourgun Fri 25-Jan-13 00:00:29

You refer to him as your husband so I assume you're married; if you are, it is not "his" house, "his" car etc, it's both of yours, even if only his name is on the deeds, mortgage or ownership certificate. Definitely get legal advice.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 24-Jan-13 23:35:51

This man hates women. He considers them less than human, something between a domestic appliance and a domesticated animal. That's why he chose you, a woman much younger than him - he thought he could train you like a dog and, like a dog, you are his property and he is entitled to punish and control you. You have absolutely done the right thing in leaving him. Now cut all contact to the bare minimum (sorting out the finances and his access to DC). Don't accept any abuse or lecturing from him, just put the phone down on him. DOn't reply to texts or emails unless they are to do with sorting out finance and DC. He's a prick and you are well rid of him.

gorgeoushippo Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:54

Well done for leaving.
When you can, print this thread as a reminder of why you must never go back to him. Ever.
Your husband is going to be horrendous through the divorce. Cut all contact with him NOW, let him contact you through your Mum about dd.
Good luck for uni. Got a feeling you are going to love it.

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:58:35

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:45:13

Please book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law asap.

If you cannot source personal recommendations from friends/relatives, locate your nearest WA branch here and ask them to help you a find a solicitor, preferably one who offers a free half an hour initial consultation.

Is the car's registration in your name? If so, simply go and reclaim it taking a friend/family member with you should you be concerned that he'll kick off if he sees you getting into it/driving away.

tribpot Thu 24-Jan-13 19:40:37

my world will not end if i dont do the dishes right away. but apparently his will

Sounds like there's a good reason for him to be doing the dishes, then. Or he is not required to 'change his personality' for the good of his marriage?

His house, his car, his rules. Thank god you turned out not to be the easily-manipulated 22-year-old I suspect he thought you'd be. Your parents have brought you up to have a bit more self-respect than that.

ladyWordy Thu 24-Jan-13 19:38:49

Hope you're feeling better debz. Make sure you get your property back, and don't hesitate to call police if he doesn't comply.

The person who needs to change personality is, of course, him. But his real meaning is that he expects you to change to suit his requirements. He is fundamentally dysfunctional. Perhaps that is why he married someone younger - he hoped you would look up to him, do what he wanted, and be easier to control.

Well, he's wrong, isn't he.

I don't know where you found this miserable, controlling, lazy, repressive old man, but I hope you will chuck him back in the miserable old blokes home where he belongs.

Build a new life befitting your youth and enthusiasm: go to college, and bring up your child in the sunlight, away from him.

SirSugar Thu 24-Jan-13 19:28:36

sorry, mean't to say, get the police to go with you as he has become threatening

SirSugar Thu 24-Jan-13 19:27:53

Get the police to go round there to pick up a few bits - including the car

What a cunt he is

debz3610 Thu 24-Jan-13 19:25:16

As i said im pretty laidback. my world will not end if i dont do the dishes right away. but apparently his will. my mum and dad are really supportive and i get on well with them. they are very much of the mindset that i should do whats right for me. all of his past relationships have ended badly. none of mines have. i have a circle of friends he resents, mostly because he has none.i had to leave, because he says its his house. he has also taken my car off me, had to get a lift from a friend to my mums. this isnt a marriage, is it?!

MarilynValentine Thu 24-Jan-13 19:23:27

If anyone should change their personality it should be him. But he never will.

And you, my dear, are not a failure - you're a wild success and we're all applauding you. Because you have left him! You've been brave, faced the truth, made a decision. Well done!

Never listen to anyone who asks you to change your personality. And people who bandy the word selfish around invariably are selfish themselves.

Keep going!

Skyebluesapphire Thu 24-Jan-13 19:18:21

My XH left me because of my personality. The fact that I was sarcastic, organised in day to day life, yet crap at housework. Exactly the same as when he met me ten years ago in fact hmm

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Thu 24-Jan-13 19:07:21

Please tell me this is a wind up?

Please. This being your reality is pretty upsetting to read.

You should change your personality for the good of the marriage? What a fucking idiot. Why did he marry you if he didn't like your personality? (I can tell you - you were young, attractive and he thought he could just tell you what you were going to do for the rest of your life).

Stop thinking this is 'for now'.

Why have you left though, what's the situation with your home?

What will it be like staying with your Mum?

Skyebluesapphire Thu 24-Jan-13 19:01:52

sorry, but you are what you are and you cannot change your personality.... you can change your ways though....

My XH did something similar to me, said that the house was a disgrace. He never tidied anything because he "had no motivation"......

It does sound like you are sadly incompatible. Some mums like to stay at home if they can afford it and some don't, each to their own. If you want to go back to Uni, then do it. There will probably be a creche for your child.

Take the time at your mum's to think about what YOU want.

debz3610 Thu 24-Jan-13 18:46:47

Had a long talk today. ive left, for now. but with words ringing in my ears. He says im selfish because i wont change my personality for the good of my marriage. Am i?! Feel like a complete failure

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Jan-13 07:40:24

The man's a bully and his attitude to women is about as healthy as the Taliban!

Go stay with your mum and, while you're there, start thinking about how to make a life for yourself and your DD, independent of this horrendous, uncaring, insulting excuse for a man. No woman's 'job' is to be stuck at home with children.... and it is an especially bad idea for you to make yourself financially reliant on him any more than you already are. He thinks you're a domestic servant as it is.

See a solicitor, talk to CAB, go to someone about housing and help with benefits. Get your RL support behind you and you'll then have the courage to act

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 02:50:26

If you have reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid, start divorce proceedings NOW as the rules are changing in April.

Should you delay, you may find yourself married in name only to this obnoxious twat until you've scraped together considerably more than a few grand to get legally shot of him... and that would be cause for persistent sobbing and a million fags.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Jan-13 23:52:39

Going out "all the time"? Fucking hell I would never be in the damned house if I was married to that prick!

He doesnt want you going out because a) your job is to keep him happy and that mean following his rules and expectations 24/7 b) you might actually find out that the way he treats you isnt normal when you get talking to other women and c) you might meet a man who treats you properly and dump his sorry ass.

So I suggest that as you already know about b) thanks to MN, and you know that a) is bullshit you should go straight for c) and dump him (but leave out the bit about meeting another man, you need to heal first).

You are 22. At 22 the world is your oyster. You can go to Uni, travel the world, live your dreams (yes, even with a child!). You can do whatever you want, but what you shouldnt be doing is dying slowly inside because the man who promised to love your forever is treating you like a shoddy employee.

How old is he? Does he have other children? How is he in other areas of life, does help with your DD or the house, is he demanding and selfish with his wants, he is selfish in bed, does he ever thank you or say anything nice to you?

Dryjuice25 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:47:08

Your mum sounds lovely and understands its normal to have a life. You do get fantastic advice here.

Please don't give a shit what he thinks. What he thinks is about control, abuse and complete disregard to what you feel. He is not concerned about your emotional well being. He is here to destroy you until you lose all traces of what you think you are. Your self esteem will be completely eroded.

You don't need him to validate you. You are a good mum. You love your daughter and going out once in a while makes better mums actually because you are having "me time" to calibrate and energise yourself. He is just there to make you doubt your mothering skills and to destroy your ambitions of going to uni! Who the hell does he think he is?

He is not good for you at any level. Does he even help look after your daughter when he is not working? What do you get out of this relationship?

debz3610 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:45:01

Should be tears of relief. its getting the bloody courage to just go. scary....

Sunnywithshowers Wed 23-Jan-13 23:43:31

He sounds hideous debz.

izzyizin Wed 23-Jan-13 23:36:10

your only going back to your mums because it means you can go out all the time

So? Jeez, if I had to live with a misery guts self-entitled twat like him, I'd need all the cutting loose R&R I could get.

Persistent sobbing? What's that about? Tears of relief that you're getting out from under?

debz3610 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:35:06

Thank you guys! Really appreciate it

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