Feel like I'm going mad - crush on another woman

[brownbearsleeping]

I can't go any longer without getting this off my chest, and have no one in RL I feel I can share this with.

So, DH and I went on holiday last week and I developed the most enormous crush on a woman I met there (our guide, in fact). I did have a few female crushes when I was in my late teens, but have always felt entirely hetero as an adult. Tbh the fact that she's a woman is not what's freaking me out the most, it's the intensity. I've never had a crush like this in my life. I have no idea when or how it started - the first day she was just our guide, sometime on day two I realised I felt like I was totally and utterly in love with her. For every day after, just the sight of her or the sound of her voice could bring tears to my eyes or make me feel completely, totally happy. To me she was the most beatiful, mesmerising, magnificent, adorable person I've ever met.

I also fell in love with the place where we were and the two are inevitably inter-connected. She embodied the place, and a way of life. I've never met anyone like her before and she opened my eyes to a lot of things. Hell, I'd like to BE her. I was choking back tears on journey home and broke down when we got home. DH thinks it's because I hate where we live and our current lifestyle and missed where we were and can't see a way out (true) but mainly it was because I'll probably never see or speak to her again. All I want is to be around her. I've been internet stalking her today. All I can think about is going back (DH and I will anyway, but not for a while, and there'd be no guarantee I'd see her anyway).

I know I've just got to be a grown up and sit it out and wait for it to stop, but I don't even WANT it to stop, because she's made me feel things I've never felt in my life. The idea of not feeling like I do about her feels even worse than how I feel now. All I want to do is close my eyes and visualise her because I never want to forget her.

I'm going to make some serious changes to how I live my life, thanks to her, and at the moment it's taking all my energy force myself not to embarass myself by contacting her to tell her that.

Oh FFS just shoot me now. It's ridiculous.

(I've had my fair share of holiday romances, btw, and this wasn't even that kind of hot, exotic holiday. It was a winter trip in northern europe ffs.)

Sorry, really really needed to just put that out there.

[abbierhodes]

You say you're unhappy with your current life. I think the intensity of your crush is very much linked to that. It will pass. I know it feels like it won't, but it will.

Aside from this, are you happy in your relationship? If not- do you want to make changes, or get out? Only you can decide that.

As for the fact that she's a woman...well, that may be significant, or it may not. Is it a sexual thing? Or just an intense 'liking'? It could be that this is in no way linked to your sexuality. If it is...well, until you do some 'soul-searching' about your current relationship, it's hard to say what, if anything, to do about it.

Sorry, not much advice, but I've been in similar situations so just sympathy really.

[brownbearsleeping]

Before this I would have said I was happy with DH. We have huge amounts in common, he's the most caring, attentive, generous partner, we've been doing a lot of fun stuff together recently, although sex has been getting rather infrequent (both our faults). I haven't felt that's a problem, and I don't think it's connected to this, although I may be wrong.

The attraction is physical, yes, and I've been very conscious that it feels very different to one I've had before (on either sex). Before I've always been very concerned about gaining the attention of the person. With her I just felt an incredible tenderness towards her, which in itself was a pleasurable novel emotion. It has made me think about some stuff gay friends have said about the female-female dynamic. Lord knows what, if anything, it says about my sexuality. It's just HER, not any other women at all.

If I try to rationalise it all around the fact that I'm unhappy with my current life, then I start to think I'm maybe less happy with DH than I'd realised. He doesn't like our life either, and we both reinforce each other's timidity in terms of doing anything radical to change things (to be fair, it would be very difficult). DH is generally more happy to bumble along. I tend to be the instigator of any change and any conversations about what we could do. He accepts that our current life is the most sensible, and just gets on with it. I constantly feel trapped and miserable and have regular fits of feeling utterly desperate at wasting my life. One of the main things about my crush was that she made me feel like things could be different (my response to her personality and way of life, nothing she actually said to me). Maybe I'm desperately casting around for someone to make me feel like there could be an escape. Maybe I really want DH to make me feel like our life could change, and he doesn't. At all.

Interesting.

Sorry for rambling.