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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what to do about my marriage

12 replies

theskyonasnowynight · 19/01/2013 11:57

Be honest if you think I am being deluded/selfish/horrible.

I am nearly 30 and have been with DH for almost a decade. He was my first and only serious relationship. He is my best friend. In the last couple of years I have had a second bout of depression/anxiety with some OCD and am on the NHS waiting list for counselling.

On two occassions in the autumn, I found myself in the position of feeling strangely, intensely attracted to two men and had a couple of evenings of quite intense flirting. Nothing further happened: it could have, but I "withdrew" before it got to that point. I felt awful afterwards but also strangely elated - it felt good to be in control of my sexuality (I have had quite bad self esteem). I spoke to a friend, who said I shouldn't beat myself up or tell DH, a lot of people flirt and the point is that I didn't take it any further.

But I really wanted to. Thinking about it, I realised how much I do want to meet and date other people and how much I regret having settled so young. I then had this realisation that I don't have to stay with DH for the rest of my life. Here's the really interesting thing: as soon as I had this realisation, I started to feel better. My depression and anxiety lifted and I haven't had a single recurrence of the intrusive thoughts aspect of my OCD which I've found really distressing.

The problem is that I don't have the headspace to deal with this right now: work is very intense and I am also re-training. I don't have very much time to myself to think things through clearly and certainly no time to do the sitting down with DH/working out where to go from here thing. (We don't have DC btw - I had several mcs a few years ago, and decided to hold off TTC for a while as still quite young with other things I wanted to do first).

So I decided to acknowledge the way I felt, promise myself that I wouldn't cheat or do anything horrible but otherwise not deal with anything until the summer when a lot of the big things are out of the way. However, I'm worried that this is really selfish and unfair on DH. At the same time, he's commented upon the massive improvement in my mood, and that while I'm distant alot I am also much nicer when I am around, less snappy and irritable etc. I don't know for certain that I will decide to break up with him eventually. I was thinking that I might ask for a temporary break, or that even just the knowledge that I'm not trapped and this relationship doesn't have to be for life unless it works for both of us might be enough to give me what I need.

I haven't discussed any of this with DH. It's one of those conversations which we won't be able to unsay. I don't know if I am being unfair on him by stringing him along for months, or if it is in fact the mature and considerate thing to wait until a better point when it might all be clearer to me.

I'd be grateful for your thoughts.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 12:12

I think - very simply - your relationship is not good and you've stayed out of some misplaced sense of loyalty, enhanced by the fact that you're married and it's meant to be for life. People change most between ages 18 and 30 and many people who get married in that time-frame can find they simply grow apart, want different things, take each other for granted, get bored and, whilst it's nothing 'serious' that they can put their finger on, there's an underlying dissatisfaction. Finding other people attractive etc is merely symptomatic.

When that happens you've got a few fairly bald choices. Either carry on as you are, brush your feelings under the carpet and hope it gets better. Or talk to your partner very, very honestly and see what you can both do to inject some excitement back into the relationship (or life in general). Or accept that it has run its course, call time, part as friends and start fresh. 'Temporary breaks' tend to become 'permanent breaks' and cheating is a really poor option.

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ArthurandGeorge · 19/01/2013 12:16

I felt like you did and I chested on ex-h which was a really awful thing to do to him . It was also a shit thing to do to myself tbh as it just messed me up even more and caused whole heaps of pain all round.

What I wished I'd done was had the strength to be honest with him. I accept that you have other things going on now and feel that it isn't the right time. That's fine but give yourself a deadline by when you will sit down with him and talk this through.

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theskyonasnowynight · 19/01/2013 12:19

Thank you both. I am actually very scared. Scared of hurting him - he loves me so much and he's such a sweet and gentle person. Scared of messing this up, making our relationship irrecoverable and then finding myself alone without the prospect of anyone better. Men I knew before we got together never considered me "girlfriend material" - that might have changed in the last ten years, but I've got to face the very real possibility that I could be alone for hte rest of my life.

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theskyonasnowynight · 19/01/2013 12:21

Cogito, I think you were spot on about the 18-30 thing. It's not that there is anything wrong as such, it's just not "good". I also feel a bit emotionally stunted by having such a transitional period of my life tied to one person.

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wewereherefirst · 19/01/2013 12:23

I can't offer any advice, but lots of things in your post struck a chord with me. I'm in a similar position but I have two DC's.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, it's very tough.

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Corygal · 19/01/2013 12:27

Oooh I really sympathise. You know what you've got to do, don't you - and I don't envy you. But you will feel way better once you've at least talked to him.

To be honest, if I knew someone was making my depression and OCD worse, they'd be out the door by the next meal. That was a lie - I also know how the guilt kicks in and you feel you have to hang onto them, plus you've got nothing else.

But you don't have to cling to them out of guilt. In the long run, if DH is damaging your health, he may have to go. And you might find, from a bit of perspective, that 'D'H wasn't so lovely after all, by the way.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 12:52

If you don't want to hurt your husband, be honest with him. It hurts far more to find out at some later stage that you're with someone that hasn't wanted to be with you for years (or someone that has gone off and found affection elsewhere) than to be given the respect of being spoken to honestly at an early stage, even if there's nothing you can materially do about it.

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dequoisagitil · 19/01/2013 13:15

I think that waiting until summer until you're sure & things are more sorted isn't a bad idea. It's only a few months.

Only if you are able to keep a lid on flirting with other men and not do anything hurtful to your dh, however.

I think you've probably outgrown him - the radical improvement in your mood since you realised there is an out tells you all you really need to know.

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grannysapple · 19/01/2013 13:54

I agree with cog.

My ex stayed with me for years after he wanted to. The thing that makes me most angry and which I can't forgive, is the emotional dishonesty. It's worse than his affair actually.

I hope you find the way to talk with him.

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theskyonasnowynight · 19/01/2013 17:00

Thank you everyone for your kindness and honesty. I am not going to discuss this with DH straightaway. In part, I would appreciate having the counselling first and I think I may pay for that privately to speed things up. I take on board what you're all saying about it being crueller and less fair to leave it, but is it crueller for me to start a conversation which could devastate him when I don't even know fully what I want? I'm not talking about letting this simmer for years.

I know this will devastate him. Once or twice I've wondered if he suspects, but even if he does that won't diminish the pain. I can't get my head around being the bad guy in this (which I am either way). He was in love with me for a while before we got together, and part of my joy in the relationship has always been how happy it made him. I have significant issues with people pleasing - one of the things I want to explore in counselling - and I can't quite get my head around the idea that it may be better to to be emotionally honest than to carry on "pleasing" him.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2013 17:14

I would think he suspects. He may be happy but you're experiencing MH issues... that's not a fair trade. You may not know what you want but I'm pretty sure you know what you don't want. Whatever you do, don't give him that terrible line about 'I don't know how I feel about you'.... very cruel. It's more honest to say that 'I don't know what I want out of life, but you cannot be part of it'.

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theskyonasnowynight · 19/01/2013 17:26

I wouldn't say that. In the speech I've run over in my head, I tell him that he is a wonderful man and I am sorry to cause him pain, that I am very unhappy through no fault of his, that while I don't know what I do want but I do need to be alone. I'll tell him that I do love him and will always cherish our memories.

I'm very upset thinking about it.

I'm also upset for selfish reasons. I won't be able to manage financially on my own so I would have to move back in with my parents. They are lovely, but were always quite controlling and because I moved straight from university to DH they've never had to adjust to me as an adult. There's so much to get my head around.