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Just found out who OW is

(25 Posts)
Tearsforfears Wed 16-Jan-13 21:49:28

Posted on here a month ago after H announced he had been having an affair. Advise on here really helped me through the first few days of the shock, hurt & pain.
Been a tough month but have tried to be strong for DS. Have surprised myself on how well I have coped, been awful days when I have not wanted to get out of bed and face the world then days when I think I can do this.
Been to solicitors and got some great advice and RL friends been amazing.
But today I have finally found out who OW is, my own fault been desperate to find out thinking it would make me feel better BUT now I have just feel like I did that night he told me.
Drunk a bottle of wine and keep typing texts to him then deleting them about it, know this sounds awful but she is minging twice the size of me and in my opinion ugly - don't know whether to feel smug or offended!
Want to confront her but don't want to give them the satisfaction
What do I do?

AViewfromtheFridge Wed 16-Jan-13 22:01:33

PUT THE PHONE DOWN! It's completely understandable, but in order to maintain the feeling that you're coping well, you must maintain radio silence about it all.

Write down EVERYTHING you want to say on a piece of paper, the angrier and swearier the better, then burn it (safely, of course).

The last thing you want in the morning, on top of a mega wine hangover, is that "Oh shit" feeling when you reach for your phone.

Hope you're ok, I'm sure better people than me will be along shortly.

AViewfromtheFridge Wed 16-Jan-13 22:02:17

Can anyone come round and keep you company? (And hide your phone!)

bestsonever Wed 16-Jan-13 22:03:34

Don't do it, drunk dialing/texting is ALWAYS a BAD idea. You will regret what you put. You will not come across as sincere as you don't on here at the moment. Relationships are about so much more than superficial features, don't you know?

Abitwobblynow Wed 16-Jan-13 22:08:32

DON'T RESPOND. DON'T TEXT (put yourself above their pond swamp Darling)

NOW you know: this crazy isn't about love it is fantasy, escape, not the real world and character flaws (told to me by many therapists)

Pancakeflipper Wed 16-Jan-13 22:09:27

Don't text him. Blurt it all out on here. You can get it deleted. Whoever it was - it was going to hurt alot.

Get cushions and scream at them.

DeltaUniformDeltaEcho Wed 16-Jan-13 22:20:05

Don't text him. It'll just make you worse thinking of them laughing over your texts together. I've been there and you really don't need to add that to your pain just now.

Maybe you can write them on here? He'll never see them and I'm sure you'll get plenty of support and you may even learn a few choice insults you can run through your head next time you see him.

DeckSwabber Wed 16-Jan-13 22:22:48

Don't Drink & Dial - step away from the phone!

It's ok to be feeling upset and angry. It's an upsetting and angry-making situation.

When you have processed things a little it will get easier, but that takes time.

friendlyface12 Wed 16-Jan-13 22:38:39

How awful, I'm not surprised you want to tell him right now how you feel! He has behaved really badly and you have every right to feell hurt and angry.
However, you and he will have time to talk things through and I expect he will be oh so very sorry. You could try thinking about what you want out of your relationship for you and your DS. You will get over this and move on, with or without him, but now you just need some time to take it all in. Plan to tell him exactly how you feel face to face, on neutral territory, without a drink. You will both need to do some listening too. You have DS and his needs to consider if you do split up and you are better off keeping it amicable if poss believe me!
I think it's great advice to write on here or on paper that he will never see. Get it all out.

He has been a real sh*t but you need to keep your dignity. You will have your time to talk, for sure. Better you can say it privately to him. Texts can so easily be misinterpreted ( and shared with others).

I hope you manage to get some sleep and do at least one happy thing tomorrow, with your DS?

Good luck and let is know how you are x

Tearsforfears Wed 16-Jan-13 22:41:49

Thank you all, knew this is what I should do but heart tries to out weigh head sometimes.
Wanted to call some RL friends but feel like I have put upon everyone so much in the last 5weeks.
Have turned mobile off and put in DS bedroom, won't go in there once he goes to bed.
Just feeling so betrayed. I thought we had always had an honest trustworthy relationship, I go away with my girlfriends he went away with the boys, we had fantastic family holidays. But in October he went away with the boys and a few girls went to, I wasn't happy about it (he was honest and told me girls where going but they where all attached and where ugly his words!) transpires now it was one of the girls he is now seeing.
Last time we spoke he told me he was not having a relationship he had just seen her a few times (a lie now I know).
The only good thing is I can now name her on the divorce papers!
Look at me trying to sound flippant but my insides feel like they have been torn out.

izzyizin Wed 16-Jan-13 22:43:20

Don your best form fitting/body clinging outfit, parade in front of a mirror, and feel smug.

Carefully put away your slinky garb and feel fucking goddam angry that he got his leg over with her, of all people.

Tomorrow's another day and whatever you may want to say to the skanky toe-rag tonight can wait until tomorrow night, or next week/month/year.

If it helps to have another wine honey, neck it and go to bed with a smile on your face because you're having the last laugh.

friendlyface12 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:14:18

Don't rush into any decisions about divorce, wait til you have had time to digest this new info. I think someone else on here already said, whoever it was, it was going to hurt. You just need some rest and time. Drinking more is probably not a great idea- just have a good drink if water and watch a film or something.
You don't need to automatically divorce, chuck him out... But if you want to, you are totally entitled, just take time to weigh it up. But do that another day - you must be knackered! I think you should take the pressure off yourself. I am certain he will be begging for forgiveness at some point ... So you do have the upper hand! No need to rush anything.
Get some sleep. It will get better.

friendlyface12 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:16:13

And call your RL friends - of course they won't mind!! That's what friends are for- god knows we need 'em!

Velcropoodle Wed 16-Jan-13 23:22:22

I am so sorry that you are going through this but everyone is right-just go to bed, drink some water, talk to a RL friend if it helps, but don't contact him tonight. It will just fuel the fire of "crimes" he accuses you of: " and of course, Tearsforfears drinks, your honour/counsellor/GP/whoever". Hang in there honey x

SpringyReframed Wed 16-Jan-13 23:30:57

Tears, I am not the greatest of advisers, but just wanted to say I have been there and so sorry for how you feel right now. It's horrible and it's always going to horrible whoever they are. But suffice it to say they are shallow self absorbed excuses for human beings who deserved no time wasted over them.

I bet he is dreading you finding out. Let him keep dreading, dont tell him you know. It will drive him mad.

Hope sleep comes for you. Keep telling yourself better times ahead. x

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 17-Jan-13 08:51:53

This just shows how it is about OW's ego boosting strokes that he is addicted to. Pathetic sad man he is to think that his issues would be solved by lapping up all that attention...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 17-Jan-13 09:39:55

Dignity, love. Would it dent their selfish happiness? Not one iota, probably give them a bigger boost. Leave dirt alone.
It is enough you know who she is.
He is an idiot and has royally mucked things up so however you decide to proceed, don't waste energy ranting.
Good luck.

ToeCap Thu 17-Jan-13 09:41:45

How well do you know this woman? Was she a supposed friend of the pair of you? Does she know you know?

worsestershiresauce Thu 17-Jan-13 09:42:00

The OW usually isn't anyone special. After all, why would some drop dead gorgeous young thing settle for someone else's leavings? Answer, they wouldn't. What I've learnt is that OW is usually someone lacking in confidence who panders to the bloke's ego.

You are better than her and too good for him, and don't you forget it.

If you do divorce, don't lower yourself to naming her. Make sure everyone who matters knows who she is, but naming her slows down and complicates the legal process, and is generally not popular with the courts.

CremeEggThief Thu 17-Jan-13 09:58:23

How are you feeling this morning, OP?

My STBXH told me her name and admitted he had moved in with her as soon as he left me, ten weeks after he confessed. It was a real step back for me, so I think I have a good idea how you are feeling right now. And it's horrible sad.

At times, I have wanted to kill them both. I sometimes think they should be bloody grateful I haven't scratched their eyes out. But my strategy is to completely ignore her and send out the message, subtly, that she is unworthy of any notice or attention from me.
And it was of a little comfort to see that she is shorter, fatter and not as attractive as I am smile.

Keep posting. We'll help you get through this. Xxx

PostBellumBugsy Thu 17-Jan-13 12:14:30

Believe me it doesn't feel any better when the OW is half your size, pretty & younger than you!

Keep calmer, remember this knowledge that you have, doesn't actually change what your H has done. It is his behaviour that matters, his promises broken, his lies. The OW is just flotsam - whoever she is & whatever she looks like.

Concentrate on you & use your anger to move forwards. Keep your own respect & dignity & you will feel better about yourself.

Big hugs, have been where you are (except the OW was half my size, pretty & younger than me!). You will survive and come out of this stronger.

Cailinsalach Thu 17-Jan-13 12:44:15

When I divorced my exh, I wanted to name and shame his 18 year old slut as a co-respondant. My solicitor advised me against it telling me that it could complicate matters legally as she may chose to defend herself. This could make the divorce more costly. What he did suggest was writing to me confirming that although she was the OW the decision had been reached to not name her as co- respondant. I then sent a copy and addressed the envelope to her mother.
We had a lot of mutual friends and aquaintances. I told everyone what had happened. I wished Mumsnet had been around then.

delilahlilah Thu 17-Jan-13 12:44:17

The greatest punishment for a woman who takes another's husband is having to keep him.....

Abitwobblynow Thu 17-Jan-13 12:53:13

Cailin is he still with 18 year old? [nosy]

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 17-Jan-13 13:02:41

I agree with delilahlilah. She'll have to deal with the paranoia and cheating now and it's a horrible feeling. Serves her right.

Hope you are doing better Tearsforfears thanks

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