Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How much do you compromise in a relationship?(8 Posts)
I am currently single and one thing that I am enjoying so much is being able to do exactly what I want without having a discussion about it.
Part of me fears having to compromise even though I know it will probably be good for me. So what happens if you both want to live in different areas, like different foods, want different numbers of children., want to watch different films, prefer different days out etc? I guess if you were that different you wouldn't be together?
Have you ever been unable to compromise and split up as a result?
Have never split up over a compromise. However, it would go a long way to me deciding that someone wasn't compatible. Don't expect anyone to share my views and tastes 100% - that would be unrealistic. My current boyfriend's hobby is totally different to mine so we just skip around that one, do our own thing, vive la difference - certainly not worth getting annoyed about. However, I won't compromise on anything that's genuinely important to me and he respects that.
You do have to compromise as you become one unit and need to make joint decisions. It's hard sometimes, I've really struggled at times with not having every little thing my own way after getting married (to a lovely, very laid back man fwiw).
I haven't had to compromise my core values and beliefs or who I am as a person but I've got better at letting small things go in the name of harmony as time's passed.
I think you can compromise on most things but the kids one is a biggie.
If you want 4 and he wants 1 then that might become an issue and therefore in my opinion this should be brought to the table fairly early on.
You have to compromise with anyone you live with - be it the radio station you listen to or the temperature of the room or the perennial 'traditional' annoyances like leaving the toilet seat up or down or the lid off the toothpaste. Most of these things don't come to light until you are already pretty committed to someone though, and, I wouldn't have though worth going your separate ways over, but only you can know how important anyone issue is to you.
For example - dh and I vote for different political parties. It's not an issue, as we each vote in elections and don't get involved in poilitics outside of that, however, if one of us were a party member, and wanted campaign leaflets all over the house, it would be harder, as indeed it would if either of us voted for 'extreme' parties who hold views that would be really offensive to the other one.
Same with religion. I practise, dh doesn't, but he's always been more than happy to let me take the children along, and 'bring them up in the faith'. If he strongly objected to my religion, then it would be massive, but as he's happy to co-exist, then it's not an issue for us.
Ultimately, it's about balancing all the good things, and then working out how to 'live with' the things that perhaps aren't ideal.
You need to work out which are the big, important issues.
Where you live, number of children, religious observance, attitudes to earning and spending, the big picture of how your household is arranged; those sorts of things need to be in harmony.
Others are can be arranged on give and take: like which film, what day out, what menu.
And sorting out which of those issues is which, those issues will also show up the (arguably) single most important thing - how you communicate and settle issues when you do have different inclinations.
You know, I think one of the biggies, is how you deal with it when you disagree.
I find it hard to believe that you can spend a long time with anyone and not have differing views about lots of things along the line, how you cope when that happens (sulk? argue ? shout ? stop speaking to the other person? go behind back and do it anyway? discuss it rationally? be prepared to compromise or to take turns ?).
brief background to "our " relationship...me and my 2 children live in one town, and bf lives in a neighbouring town, we have known each other about 20 years , grew up in the next street to each other etc and have been dating for a long while, he stays over at mine about twice a week, kids get on great with him and vice versa.
heres how/ where we compromise:
1. he watches history channels, documentaries (i hate! all) telly only on as background noise, we are usually just chatting anyway.
2. he is unsure if he wants his own kids, i have 2, so i will go with either choice that he decides...until im 40, then thats my limit (2 years left)
3. hes awake til 1/2am, im normally in bed 11.30, i stay awake a bit later, as its not every night.
4. during our not together days we try and get our own bits done to leave time for a family day together, doesnt always happen, sometimes family things require us to do shopping etc instead for our parents
5. we spend between us, i pay this shop, you pay next etc
6. religion not an issue, nor politics
7. days out? compromise, try new things, explore, research etc
what im trying to say is compromises happen easily if the people are well suited, as both parties try and accommodate one another.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.