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OH doesn't think that he loves me. What do I do now?

(33 Posts)
Sargesaweyes Wed 09-Jan-13 08:05:21

Ok so last night OH who has been suffering with depression tells me out of the blue that he doesn't think that he is in love with me anymore. This is a complete shock and I am utterly heartbroken. I have told him that he needs to take some time to think his decision through as I won't fuck around bending over backwards, whilst he buggers about fighting his bastard issues with responsibility and commitment. He assures me that there is no one else and although nothing would surprise me now, he works in a male environment and unless he is fucking the milkman I don't know when he would be capable of having an affair.

Basically what do I do now? We currently rent a house together and have a ds who is 15 months old. I've gone to my parents and have lots of family and friend support. I work 2 and a 1/2 days a week as a teacher but also run a small business. I currently have quite a big graduate loan which I am paying off and will be finished in 2 1/2 years time. When that goes I will have no significant debt but until then money will be tight. Currently my monthly income is around £1600 a month and out of that around £550 goes out on debts. DP paid for rent out of his salary and i paid for all food and petrol.

Our current tenancy agreement is up in July and I want to make sure ds and I have our own house/flat that we can move in to together as my parents house is very cramped. I'm basically wondering how in the name of fuck do I do it alone? I'm frightened and so worried about the impact that the implications of dp's decision will have on the rest of my babies life. I come from a solid background and stupidly didn't see this happening to us. We had a lovely Christmas and have spoken about long term plans to have more children and get married. Please tell me it will be ok.sad I can't stop fucking crying and feel utterly devastated. Is there anyone else going through this as i need a hand to hold. I'm a very independent person but feel so lonely now. Sorry for the rambling. I have toddler group this morning and work this afternoon but any comments I will try and get back to when I can.

happyhev Thu 10-Jan-13 19:10:42

Has he actually been diagnosed with depression or could he just be using this as an excuse for his rubbish behaviour? Whilst I have every sympathy for people suffering from depression, take care not to let your OH use his 'depression' as a means to hurt and manipulate you.

Sargesaweyes Thu 10-Jan-13 22:07:29

Hi, he definitely has depression. It started with a breakdown 3 years ago. I have supported him massively as I know that his depression is due to a hell of a lot of trauma he suffered as a child but I think like many have said I can't fix him. He largely ignores it and never went to counselling that was set up for him initially. He just takes his pills and thinks it will sort out without actually facing anything. I think that is largely why I now am getting the brunt....I'm still not happy so it must be her kind of thing.

amillion I saw him today as it's his day off and he still wanted to look after ds as usual. Work have told me to stay home until next week (I have a lovely boss)and so drove ds to our house as I'm staying at my mums. DP helpfully informed me that he had looked into benefits that I would be entitled to and how we will split the furniture shock. He seems to want out as quickly as possible for whatever fucking reason. I think it is mainly running due to responsibility and his brother has done exactly the same in his relationship as did his real father.

I do worry regarding him slipping further into self destruction. I have worried about him being suicidal. I even thought today that I should fill up the fridge!! however I can't help him if he doesn't want me to and as far as I can see he wants me out of the picture ASAP.

I love him but fuck me I'm worth more than this!

IndiansInTheLobby Thu 10-Jan-13 22:22:52

By the way I have name changed from Sargesaweyes as it is partly his name and what would've been mine! I don't need to keep seeing it so felt a change was needed.

Nectar Fri 11-Jan-13 09:17:41

I hope you soon feel better about things and your partner realises how much he's hurt you. My dh had a bad bout of depression some years ago, luckily before we had dc's but he blamed everything on it. If he was snappy with me or not feeling sociable when we saw friends and family, it would be 'It's the depression but you wouldn't understand', no matter how I tried to support him. Incredibly frustrating and selfish behaviour!

He's a lot better in himself now thankfully, but it can really wear you down. How is your ds? Has he picked up on anything even though he's so young?

madonnawhore Fri 11-Jan-13 09:24:20

I smell OW.

Brace yourself OP...

Greer123 Fri 11-Jan-13 10:06:53

"amillionyears": Perhaps I should clarify that I don't mean they are contagious like a virus, I just mean that caring for someone with a mental illness can cause the carer to develop mental illness partly because they are under a lot of strain and partly because the perspective of the mentally ill person is so distorted that the carer loses a sense of what is real. Carers for mentally ill people need strong support and expert advice to survive.

I had full-blown bulimia nervosa for about 6 years and then a further 7 years of vanilla depression. It took a big toll on my DH. Fortunately my DH is very much like a "Jeremy Kyle" type and seems to have dragged himself up out of the gutter I put him in. My (now grown up) kids seem to have been unscathed so far but I think it really helped that my mental illness was labelled and they seem to have been able to say "OK, this behaviour of mum is normal and that behaviour of mum is not normal".

IndiansInTheLobby Fri 11-Jan-13 10:16:58

Ds seems fine. A bit puzzled at being at nana and grandads maybe, but my parents are fantastic and he loves them. He is 15 months and is a gorgeous happy boy and I intend to keep it that way. I am trying very hard to be normal for him.

Although I don't think there is another woman at this moment I am not silly enough to think that it couldn't happen to me. If there was I could at least stop feeling sorry and worried about him the fuck head.

I am letting my mind race ahead of me today and feeling a lack of control. I feel that he has now dumped me in a lifetime of compromises regarding ds and however silly it sounds I have been thinking about all of the times ds and exdp will have together that I will be excluded from. Ds will now have a separate life that doesn't feature me and that I am finding hard to cope with. The other stupid thing that has upset me today is that Ds will never have a full brother or sister. I have always gained so much comfort and support from my own siblings and knew that I belonged as a part of something and I never want him to feel left out. Ridiculous as I know lots of half brothers and sisters who are very close, but is it ever the same? I don't know as I haven't experienced it. I am aware how silly all this is as it is the future and it might never happen anyway but for some reason this is what is making me cry today.

Friends now know and are very shocked. Everyone feels sorry for me and thought we were a forever couple. Fuck it. At least I don't have to have his baggage hanging over me anymore.

IndiansInTheLobby Fri 11-Jan-13 10:25:21

Poor you Greer. My dads own depression was very hard to live with growing up, but we knew why he had it and how he would battle it. My mother is a saint but my dad is inspirational in the way he has almost beaten the horrible black cloud. that's what is now pissing me off about dp. He isn't facing up to anything and I don't know if he is capable of doing can take a horse to the water but you can't make them drink kind of thing. Dp does manage to work full time with his depression and his two recent bouts of depression have come on after holidays from work at home with the family. Makes me feel great and I'm never going to let ds feel that 'what have I done to make daddy sad and grumpy' feeling.

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