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i think DH might be having an affair...

(64 Posts)
ishereally Tue 08-Jan-13 10:12:33

We have 2 young DCs, haven't had sex in 8 months and haven't really been communicating. I feel taken for granted, unattractive and boring. I am a SAHM and he has a hig powered job. I feel we have nothing to talk about except mundance things. He is very outgoing and gregarious and i am very introvert which has been a problem for many years but has got a lot worse since the DCs came and I stopped working.
We have gone from arguing to just ignoring eachother. He tries to talk to me about our problems but i am just not interested in talking to him.

In the past couple of months DH has seemed a bit happier but been showing some 'signs' that i think he might be playing away (1) surgically joined to phone. Doesn't seem to use it a lot but doesn't leave it laying around ever. (2)A sudden interest in getting into shape... I've been hassling him about this for ages as he's gained some weight over the past year or 2 and he's never been hugely receptive and all of a sudden he is swimming nearly every day. (I know he is swimming and not shagging somewhere as my friend is a lifeguard and sees him there!)

I don't know how to approach this with him and when i look at the 'evidence' in my post it seems pretty flimsy - but i just have this feeling that he has met someone else...

MamaGeekChic Tue 08-Jan-13 18:57:47

If it's any comfort I often smell of a colleague's aftershave as he --bathes in it--applies it liberally and greets me with a kiss on the cheek. I often find myself thinking he's nearby later in the day then realising it's me. I'm also guilty of occassionaly spraying perfume in other's cars (I always ask permission) en route to meetings etc. It doesn't neccesarily mean the worst but please talk to him, tonight.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 01:03:54

OP When you know hes due to be home, sit down and make it look like your upset about something (trickery but meh), if he comes to ask you whats wrong, say I just feel so worthless, we dont have sex anymore, we dont talk, i dont feel attractive, i got myself so worked up that i wouldnt surprised if you had someone else, i dont want our marriage to end, i really dont, but i dont know how to make you want me again then sob about, watching for his reaction.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 01:08:13

Also have you considered it might be for your benefit, getting in shape, maybe planning something, i wouldnt assume the worst, until the evidence is undeniable, also the perfume thing, if someone else was working with him, its easy to transfer the smell, maybe a woman sprayed some and it got on him.

You need to be clever to work this out, so dont act suspect but keep a look out. Also get someone to watch the kids, get dolled out, and say lets go out, his reaction will say a million words.

perfectstorm Wed 09-Jan-13 01:11:45

To be totally honest, I don't think it wise to start playing games with an already troubled marriage - trying to manipulate with sobs, work out a reaction's meaning by second guessing. He's meant to be (and presumably once was) your best friend. Sit him down and be honest about how low you are, how unhappy, how bad your self esteem. Talk about seeing the GP, say you want things to get better and ask for his support.

Can you all get away for a break somewhere nice? Short one, with good childcare laid on? So you can talk in a nice environment?

Perfume may not mean anything. And your marriage does sound salvageable, because from what you say, he hasn't checked out. Please try to sort something. Good luck, and please do know you have a lot of support here.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 01:30:35

Perfect From what it sounds that would be honest, because the marriage has issues, she clearly doesnt want to confront the issue just yet, so a little gathering of points might be needs, til shes stronger to do it.

Take out the sobbing bits, what i suggested is pretty much what she wants to say, so OP just say it, but dont say it in angry manner, be calm.

Sugarice Wed 09-Jan-13 06:45:06

How are you this morning OP, did you talk to your dh?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 07:19:20

"i dont know how to make you want me again"

Getting into shape? Getting dolled up? That just makes the OP look pathetic and perpetuates the myth that women have to make an effort to keep their man. The marriage isn't going well, he's distant, she's suspicious and unhappy. All valid things to talk about as a couple. No need to demean herself.

AllOverIt Wed 09-Jan-13 07:38:34

How are you OP?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 09:01:38

Cogito, How is doing something purely for herself demeaning, you have to make an effort for yourself, because if you look the way you feel, you are gonna keep feeling it til it grinds you down.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 09:08:15

How is "wouldnt surprised if you had someone else, i dont want our marriage to end, i really dont, but i dont know how to make you want me again "...not demeaning? This is an adult woman with marital problems, not some simpering teen in Jackie magazine.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 09-Jan-13 09:12:25

* rolls eyes* hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 09:13:16

rolls them back....

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 09-Jan-13 09:22:13

It's probably worth noting that if he's started working out, he's bound to feel happier. It releases good hormones, and it feels good to start working on yourself.

Smelling of perfume isn't necessarily saying he is having an affair, some people just use a whole bottle each day and it's impossible not to smell like them. Equally, he could have given someone a completely innocent hug. Be wise, but don't jump too to many conclusions, because his shirt smelling of perfume means at least he had his clothes on.

You need to talk to him. You'll get nowhere if you don't, and your relationship will crumble. You are both unhappy, splitting up has probably already crossed his mind as a possibility, but he obviously doesn't want to give up yet. Get help, and talk to him. Plan something out - a meal, a film, a walk in the park, anything that's just you. And do something to boost your confidence. Put a gorgeous dress on if it makes you feel great, paint something, put your favourite album on. Give yourself a boost. It'll make everything seem less of a challenge.

giveitago Mon 21-Jan-13 15:09:08

If you can't be bothered to talk in depth with him about issues how can you resolve anything at all, never mind if he may be involved with someone else?

It's not all about not being bothered - it's in a lot of cases about treading on eggshells.

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