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Trapped in sexless relationship

(12 Posts)
Notinchelse Thu 03-Jan-13 01:57:20

Hello everyone, I know my story isn't unique but I feel so trapped. I am not married and have a teenage girl with my partner. He has never been that interested in sex (with me) - there was little before the pregnancy, none during, now it's worse than ever (once last year), however 5 yrs ago I found out that he had been having an affair, which he lied about and has never really discussed. He ended it immediately, went to counselling for a long time, made a lot of promises which he hasn't kept. Just before Christmas I said that this sexless relationship was not viable and unless we did something to change it, it would never happen. Hesaid he would and a few times touched me sexually/affectionately but nothing more - I didn't particularly encourage him to do more as all times were in the morning, when our daughter was up and about, which I have told him I find non-intimate and I suspect he prefers this when he knows it will be got over quickly sad....anyway Christmas is over, I feel like shit, there has been no sex, he is lieing here snoring like a pig, I feel past it, rejected, hopeless and trapped.

We are not married,he has always refused to leave. Tells me I can go if I want to. I am not leaving my daughter and anyway I don't see why I should leave my home, when I have done nothing wrong. I actually feel almost suicidal at times. I have a full-time job and own half the house. But he refuses to leave. I went to see a solicitor 2 yrs ago who wrote to him saying I wanted to speaarte but he then asked me to go back to counselling and again theer is no change.

Sorry this is so long and moany. I am under so much pressure trying to protect my daughter from all this but she regularly asks me why I am 'sad'.

badinage Thu 03-Jan-13 02:03:44

So you leave.

Your solicitor will have told you that he has no option to stay in a house that you want the equity from and that if you move out with your daughter, you can put a legal charge on the house until it's sold. Find somewhere temporary to live until you can get your money out of the house and buy something else with the proceeds. Is that financially possible?

You're wasting your life and your sexual prime with this loser. Your daughter would be much happier if you weren't 'sad' so much of the time.

izzyizin Thu 03-Jan-13 02:24:01

As you're not married, it should be relatively simple to disentangle any joint financial interests you have in common.

As this would appear to be the house you currently live in, it will be a matter of whether he buys you out, you buy him out, or you sell up and divide the proceeds of sale.

Instruct a solicitor to write to him again with your proposals and, this time, don't be fooled go back to counselling.

I agree with badinage - the sooner you're away from him and enjoying a far better quality of life, the better it will be for your dd.

Dryjuice25 Thu 03-Jan-13 02:32:37

Poor you I sympathise with your dilemna but I don't see why you cant leave and just arrange the sale of the FH as it looks like he wont leave ever...

I wouldnt waste another day if I was you. You deserve so much more. I was in such a rut and I left. I have 3 kids! Not easy I know but sometimes thats what it takes to move on

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 08:44:28

You need to talk to a solicitor again and set that train in motion. You'll probably have to go the route of a forced house sale to make him realise you're serious. This could be enough to make him back down and let you buy him out instead or you may have to follow through, split the equity and accept that you'll be changing location.

If I read the timeframes correctly you've put up with this crappy situation for at least 13 years? shock He's never apologised for the affair, probably been seeing other people before and since.... agree with the sentiment to stop wasting your life and get rid of this dead wood. Set a good example to your DD that women don't have to 'put up and shut up'

Good luck

Notinchelse Thu 03-Jan-13 09:25:40

Thanks everyone. Yes I know I am at the end of the road. I just can't face or afford moving into rented accomodation with my daughter who is in the middle of exams and will already be massively upset. Can I ask a solicitor to try and get him to move out and then sell up at a more suitable time? Does buying him out mean I have to raise half the value of the house to give him? Sorry for the stupid questions, I didn't get much help from the previous solicitor who seemed most focused on telling me I was entitled to 50% of the house (I do know that and that is not the issue, the issue is that my so-called partner just tells me I can leave if I don't like it). I really struggl to see how I can cope with this level of upheaval as well as continue my job and support my daughter if I have to move out, I would rather he moves out and we then get our daughter used to the separation and then deal with the house. Does anyone think I could find a solicitor to help me with this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 10:18:14

"Can I ask a solicitor to try and get him to move out and then sell up at a more suitable time?"

This is a negotiated agreement that many reasonable couples, keen to do the best for their children, sometimes reach provided they can afford to do it. Potentially one parent moves out & while the other stays in the family home until the children are older, then selling the property and dividing the proceeds. If he is unreasonable you can do the negotiation solicitor to solicitor but the risk is that it gets very expensive very quickly and I don't recommend it.

"Does buying him out mean I have to raise half the value of the house to give him? "

Essentially yes. Again, it's a negotiated agreement that depends on what you can both afford. Some accept a lower buy-out payment initially if it enables them to or put a deposit on a place of their own... getting the balance at a later date. Others need 100% of their share of the equity all at once. If you can't raise the funds, you sell the property.

I think you need a different solicitor.

Notinchelse Thu 03-Jan-13 10:21:29

Thanks v much Cogito, I think you are thinking always not just sometimes x

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Jan-13 10:29:10

You're welcome. You just need to cross what my friend calls the 'mental bridge' where you decide you're better off being independent. You're not there yet but I think, if you get some good information around you, you will feel more confident that when you are ready you actually could cope with a house move, getting your DD through her exams and making that fresh start. You're not the 'useless' person he's spent years telling you you are at all...

Pre DH what kind of girl/young woman were you?

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 10:36:10

You might find that your dd adapts better than you think to a split. Currently she's aware of your unhappiness and it doesn't sound like your dp is particularly happy either. So it may not be a shock and it may even be somewhat of a relief in the long-term.

letseatgrandma Thu 03-Jan-13 11:02:01

I doubt you can make him move out so that you and your daughter can decide what to do at your leisure.

See a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to do.

badinage Thu 03-Jan-13 21:06:12

You can ask him to move out but you can't make him do so.

You can make him sell the house though.

Don't under-estimate the effect on your daughters' exams. of living in this atmosphere. A rental home might be disruptive to you, but not as disruptive as you think for your daughter. Money's likely to be the bigger issue, although you could investigate payment holidays on the mortgage that would be paid back on sale of the house.

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