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I just cant cope anymore!

(29 Posts)
xmasevebundle Mon 31-Dec-12 11:31:17

I had my son on the 13th decemeber via c-section. Its my first child and im no longer with the babies father.

When he was born i was happy, we had a great bond when i was pregnant i use to talk to him and tell him about the outside world.

Now, i dont even want to do anything for him. I have my mum and dad living with me who are supporting me so much, since i've got back from the hospital they have done the night feeds expect 3.

I just cant bond with him, when i change, feed burp him and still crying i either start crying myself or pass him to my mum.

I always look after him in the day change him,feed him etc and im fine i like it. I just dont feel no bond.

My mum said she thinks ive PND? but i dont? But i guess thats what everyone says sad

I dont really eat i have no intrest in life or him and it makes me really sad i feel this way. I knew it was going to be hard but not this hard.

I dont go out that much as i dont have many friends i was a recluse in my pregnancy. When they put me in mums groups its always young ones.. Im 19 nearly 20 what do i have in common with a 14 year old expect being pregnant?

WinterWinds Tue 01-Jan-13 11:13:02

If you have the HV coming out on Wednesday please, please talk to her how you are feeling.
I dont know if they still do the same but when i had my DD almost 10 years ago, i was given a questionaire to fill in by my HV, to look for possible signs of PND.
She also asked lots of questions to make sure i wasn't struggling mentally or physically. As she stated that the sooner they pick up the possibility of PND the better. The HV is trained to deal with PND.

As it turns out i was ok when i did the questionaire, but the PND kicked in much later and i didn't seek help until DD was 2 1/2 years old as i was in denial that that i had PND. But i knew it wasn't normal to want to hurt myself on a daily basis!!
DH coaxed me into going to the doctors, PND was diagnosed and i was prescribed meds.
I took those meds and i am so glad i did. They gave me my life back!!

I was prone to bouts of depression anyway but just didn't realise thats what i had, i think the baby hormones just brought it all to a head.

Now when i look back i was in such a dark place back then, i missed so much of DD's first years due to the black fog hanging over me. There is lots that i cant remember and if DD asks things like how old she was when she learned to walk, i lie because i simply dont know! sad
Most of my memories of DD start at the age of 3, there isn't much before that
I regret that i didn't get help sooner as i can never get those years back.

Please please dont be me like me, PND is nothing to be ashamed of. If you are offered Meds then dont feel like a failure for taking them. Talk to your HV and if you are ready to accept help she will get the ball rolling.

Dont expect miracles straight away as it takes time, But i can assure you you wont always feel like this and hopefully you will look back and realise you did the best possible thing in seeking help.

Twiggy71 Mon 31-Dec-12 19:11:00

Please see your doctor xmasevebundle you sound very much like I was after the birth of my ds.

I felt very detached from him after the birth after i had wanted him so much. I had very scary thoughts going through my head about harming myself and worrying that i would do something to my baby.

One minute I wanted to look after him and then the next I didn't want him anywhere near me..

I knew in my heart that something was wrong that how i was feeling wasn't normal. I went to the drs and it was the first step towards recovery. Through medication and talking and support.

Please look after yourself your mental health is as important as your physical health.

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 17:54:58

She needs to go to the GP. And soon.

BeckyBendyLegs Mon 31-Dec-12 17:37:33

Hello. I suggest you post in the mental health section on mumsnet. There are lots of lovely people there who have been through this who can give you some advice on what to do and reassurance that you are going to be ok. I had PND and I was lucky in that I told my health visitor and she told me about a group that the my local health visitors run for mums called 'transition into motherhood' and although this was my third, the group was brilliant. It really, really helped me. PND is very common, and not an unusual reaction to having a baby. Your hormones are all over the place and some people can bounce back very easily and quickly, others can't. It will get better but I do suggest you seek some help, I'd suggest talking to the HV or the GP. I talked to both and the GP wasn't very helpful to be honest but that was just my experience. Some people find the GP is a good place to start. He did refer me for some counseling on the NHS which came 18 months later, which although a bit late was absolutely fantastic, by far the best thing for me at the time. I wish you luck, but do try the mental health section. I did and I got a huge amount of support there.

niceupthedance Mon 31-Dec-12 17:15:18

I just wanted to add that the feeling the baby has come from space or whatever - I had this. In my case it wasn't pnd but part of the massive change in identity motherhood brings. You arent the first person to feel that way and it does get better.

Offred Mon 31-Dec-12 16:52:00

Can you see a link between this thing you say about pretending it is fine and you don't have feelings and a subsequent lack of feeling towards him? Don't be afraid of speaking to someone about this, if the GP is too much try the health visitor, if the health visitor is too connected to the GP try a children's centre. Do you have a children's centre near you? Homestart might bring you to the children's centre if you arent recovering that well. They IME are extremely supportive.

The NICE guidelines say not to give medicine unless necessary so maybe if you went to a young GP (receptionist would tell you) who had trained recently they would have this more up to date approach and not just palm you off with a prescription.

I think really there is a lot going on here not least that you are recovering from surgery still but also the family dynamics which will definitely make it very hard for you to adjust to your role as mother rather than child.

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 16:20:56

Allergic, I am not sure that would help.
She, herself, needs to see her own GP, to see what they say.
Another person saying what happened to them, she will then say she doesnt need it or something.
Everyone is different.

Allergictoironing Mon 31-Dec-12 16:13:37

Can someone who's suffered PND, or knows someone who has, please put the OPs mind at rest and give her an idea of what the GP or HV can & will do to help with it? I'm sure that not knowing what can be done to help her could make her reluctant to get that help.....

Anniegetyourgun Mon 31-Dec-12 16:07:30

"He didn't ask to be born" is a nonsense phrase. You didn't ask to be born either. We don't get the choice, prenatally. Telling you you "ought to" feel this or that doesn't help either. Even without PND or an emergency C section, not everybody bonds with their babies immediately. I didn't feel that rush of love for about 7 months with DS4. I was proud of him, I looked after him, I held and cuddled him and told him I loved him because that's what you do; but I didn't actually feel it until (miffingly) just before I went back to work and had to leave him! Nature can play dirty tricks like that. (Nearly 16 years on he's a lovely, lovely fellow and I'm so glad I had him.)

You are doing your best for your baby and hopefully he won't even notice the difference as long as you behave lovingly towards him. ("Fake it till you make it", as they say.) Hopefully before too long you will suddenly feel that massive rush of affection towards your own little boy that you made - it makes the hard drudge of looking after a new baby so much easier.

Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help though. You aren't failing your baby by looking for support. You'd be short-changing yourself by not doing so.

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 15:46:22

You are assuming you know what the GP will say and do.
You do not.
You are not a GP or a medical person.

Please please go. You need help.
As another poster says elsewhere, it is your illness talking, not you.

xmasevebundle Mon 31-Dec-12 15:23:46

No it was planned for the 17th decemeber but my waters was leaking for a week so they had to operate the next day. It was really quick and i didnt feel relaxed. Although during i felt quite happy(maybe all the drugs?!) Even cried when i heard him cry, happy tears.

Even said a few times when my mums helped me in bath i hope i drown or crack my skull. It makes me very upset now that ive said it.

They both try and help me so much, last night i just brokedown. I knew he needed food but i didnt want to go and face him so told him to shut up and called my mum.

My mood must be taking effect on him, hes a happy baby dont ask for much. Everyone says 'how lucky' i am as he sleeps 4-5 hours a time but that seems a huge struggle for me!

I use to cry everyday since he was born but now its here and there. I have no emotions towards him nor bond when hes awake or im holding him/feeding him.

As for the babys father, hes not where to be seen. Which suits me fine as hes all mine and ive attempted tried to be a good mum. I dont need him nor his money ive done it alone for 9 months and will do alone until i die.

I always thought covering feelings up like this work, but it dont as it gets far worse in time. GP will just tell me its alright and give me tablets or something else.

When really its not 'alright' i dont think talking to someone is really going to help,so hope the GP gives me something to make me 'happy'

Offred Mon 31-Dec-12 14:44:37

If you feel like crying, cry, you need to care for your little fella's needs and build a bond (which I'm sure you will but v. Hard at first) but you absolutely do not need to be covering up your feelings or feeling like you have to be all together and super mum like. Your feelings ARE all over the place after a baby, don't let people, including yourself make you feel bad about that, it calms down in time and feeling bad about it/trying to keep it in will just make you feel much, much worse.

Offred Mon 31-Dec-12 14:37:24

Yes, go and see the doctor or call the health visitor.

It must be very difficult still living at home no matter how helpful your parents are (although your dad was nasty with that comment) and also doing it all by yourself after splitting up from the dad.

I just want to reassure you that whilst the scale of your feelings might indicate you have PND, the actual feelings are incredibly normal! It is very normal to be weepy and to feel a bit equivocal about the massive changes that you are going through and also to feel crap in comparison to others. It can also undermine your previously decided feelings about your ex IME but I found this to be hormonal and it went back to normal rational feelings fairly quickly.

I'm not normally a massive fan of medicine for depression but for PND I think it is really effective, there's not really any trauma to unpick necessarily and it gives you a pick me up to help you pull things back.

itsallinmyhead Mon 31-Dec-12 14:25:46

I really, really feel for you, op.

My little one arrived not long before yours and i'm feeling very overwhelmed. This is my second baby and my first is almost 14 yrs old. I had her just after turning 18.

People have been supporting me on a thread in parenting and as one person said, we are made to believe everyone else is living a Disney fairytale with their newborns but that's just not true.

Be kind to yourself and definitely, definitely go see your gp! Like, me, it sounds like you've (at least) got the baby blues.

We will both be alright but you need to seek and accept support from the gp, health visitor and other mums.

It sounds like your parents are great, that's brilliant.

NotGeoffVader Mon 31-Dec-12 14:22:24

Xmas I know we've 'chatted' on a couple of threads - you do sound like you're struggling a bit with depression. I had a C-Sec too with my DD, and found the first few weeks really hard going. Mainly because everything was just so hard to do.

I think you do need to speak to your HV and possibly your GP too. Your hormones are all over the place when you've just had a baby. I can remember weeping copiously at just about anything on TV, or in a book. I was a one-woman cloud for quite a long time.

There's a thread by Pumble at the moment, which sounds as though she is facing similar issues - take a look as I think you are gong through something similar.

PND and related 'fall-out' are quite common, and I understand, even worse when you've had a major op. I know you're a fighter, but at the moment, you've been knocked for six, so to speak.

Keep coming back and posting, as there are many here who've been through similar experiences, and will be able to give you plenty of advice. smile

amillionyears Mon 31-Dec-12 14:11:34

Please go and see the GP.
The GP should know exactly what to do.
You dont need to know everything yourself.

meddie Mon 31-Dec-12 14:03:57

was your c section an emergency? I know many women who have felt it hard to bond after an emergency c section. especially if its under general anaesthesia.

Dont take your Dad's comment to much to heart, he probably is feeling a bit helpless too atm and just said the wrong thing not realising how unhelpful it was. A lot of people can't understand how a mum would not feel a bond with her baby, if they themselves did. But I think it is more common than we realise, because its just not the done thing to admit that you don't feel it.

It will come in time. Just carry on with the care your giving him and try not to avoid him. Bonds grow through familiarity.

You have had a rough time. New baby, major operation. your hormones will be all over the place. Its crazy isnt it, Imagine if you went in hospital to have your gallbladder removed then they handed you a new baby to look after post op.

xmasevebundle Mon 31-Dec-12 13:48:03

I talk to my mum, dad helps but says ' he didnt ask to born' etc so i tend to keep quiet and cry to myself.

I dont think PND is shameful, i feel shameful as my son needs his mother and i cant give him everything he needs.

Ealier my mum put him my on my bed i didnt even want to look at him, but then in a few hours im giving him a hug. Its very strange.

I love him a lot, just dont feel hes my son. Someones plucked him out of nowhere and then says hes mine. I still dont believe hes mine, nor when i was pregnant.

Thank your for the replies.

meddie Mon 31-Dec-12 12:57:11

Xmaseve, firstly stop beating yourself up. You have had a major operation and a huge life changing event. You need time to heal and get your strength back, to cope with both.

PND is not a shameful thing and feeling little bond towards him is a part of it.

You could be me 24 years ago, but then PND wasnt really diagnosed very well and I just thought I was a crap mother who didnt feel any of the over whelming joy I was supposed to feel at the birth of my son. I was just going through the motions caring for him physically with no emotional attachment at all.. Honestly if someone had come and said they were taking him away I wouldn't have batted an eyelid. Not being able to discuss this with anyone made the situation so much worse. I felt tremendous guilt about how I felt and also a huge failure as a mother.

Can you talk to your mum about how you feel.If not, then your HV or your GP. People are much more switched on about it these days and it will pass with help.

It took me 9 months to bond with my son.I just woke up one morning and looked at him and felt this huge rush of love for him.

kinkyfuckery Mon 31-Dec-12 12:54:31

It does very much sound like PND, or even situational depression. Please do see your GP. Talk to your parents too, I'm sure they love you very much and want you to feel better.

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 12:51:14

Love, it sounds so much like PND - it's not you failing as anything. It's great that you're going to see your GP. Hugs.

xmasevebundle Mon 31-Dec-12 12:46:36

I feel each day that goes past its getting worse. I cant cope with it all, its a life changing.

I am going to book to see my GP on wednesday, i feel like i have failed already and not a good mother as i cant even do simple tasks without crying or runing away from it.

doingtwelvethingsatonce Mon 31-Dec-12 12:29:20

I had PND with DS3. I swore blind I didn't... but I did. Just didn't want to admit it as I was worried what would happen.

dequoisagitil Mon 31-Dec-12 12:28:54

You don't necessarily have to take tablets, but if you are suffering (even mild) PND it is a good idea to treat it as soon as possible, otherwise it can get deeper and take so much longer to recover from. Try not to rule out things that could help you, out of hand.

xmasevebundle Mon 31-Dec-12 12:15:57

I have been depressed before but i dont think im as bad.

I dont no myself why i feel like this, i see the HV on wednesday.

I dont want to take tablets if im depressed either.

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