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What on earth am I doing?

(35 Posts)
Utterlylostandneedtogo Sat 29-Dec-12 00:19:20

I need to get all this out before I explode, but I feel it is too late. I broke a long time ago. I apologise for it being in list form but its easier to get down and my head is a mess

DP is a heavy drinker and a pain in the arse when he's drunk
When dp comes in from work the first thing he does is change into his dressing gown, no underwear, nothing else, he stinks and it's gross and no matter how much I tell him it's gross he won't stop doing it.
Next door blast their tv until 3am. I've not had an unbroken nights sleep since October
I work full time. I have done since I was 16. I feel I've missed out on my children as a result
I am in a lot of pain. I have muscular skeletal and neurological pain problems that aren't fixable. I can't cope with this any more.
My children are at their dads until the new school year. I'm broken inside missing them
I'm sick of being the 'go to' person who everyone offloads to, but I don't have anyone who returns the favour
I'm fat. I'm ugly. When I meet someone who hasn't seen me for ages the only thing they can think of to say to me is usually 'wow hasn't your hair got long, you look, well, different now' gee thanks
My life consists of work, home, see the children for an hour before bed, then I have a bath to ease the pain and go to bed myself. I don't live, I exist.
I have no relationship with dp any more as a result of the above, I have no relationship with my children, my siblings and dps siblings are all 'perfect' all in £40k+ a year jobs and married to people with similar jobs. We're barely scraping by.

I hate it

I hate everything

I've been to the dr and been dismissed with a 'you need to learn to live with the pain, that's what's making you depressed' and that's it. No help no support nothing.

I really am a crap person

tallwivglasses Thu 24-Jan-13 11:01:32

How's it going, Utterly? Thinking of you x

Utterlylostandneedtogo Sun 20-Jan-13 22:58:27

I haven't changed GP yet and I know I need to.

I think I still love him but my head is such a wreck I don't know what I want.

I had the dawning realisation that no one has ever asked me anything about myself or how I feel about anything, ever, it's always about them and how they feel. I have more than just him that I need to cut out I need to cut everyone out. I am such a bloody mess right now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 18-Jan-13 07:32:10

The challenge you face is turning 'thinking of moving out' into 'moving out'. Intention is good but to turn it into action you have to take a few steps forward, make a bit of a plan, get some information, talk to friends and family. You might not be able to do something overnight but it's been two weeks since you originally posted and maybe you should set yourself a target that, in another two weeks, you will be a lot further down the road. Have a goal to aim for?

Good luck

ArtsMumma Fri 18-Jan-13 02:57:37

I think you need to move out. Or kick him out. He isn't interested in making things work. Then you can focus on you. I think he is what is holding you back. Do you love him? Do you want it to work? Do you think it could ever be the relationship you want?

tallwivglasses Thu 17-Jan-13 21:14:26

Once he's out of the way I think the happy and confident you will re-emerge. Then you can change your name to something like Utterlyblossomingandnowcangrow smile

Dump the fucker (LTB was SO 2012...)

hopkinette Wed 16-Jan-13 23:11:11

Sounds pretty grim, OP. I'm sorry you're having such a shit time.

WRT to neighbours, if you don't feel up to having it out with them or contacting the council, could you try ear plugs, just for the short term? Sleeping badly affects everything else, it's awful. Maybe if you could just get a few nights of decent sleep you'd feel a little bit stronger and more able to tackle the other problems you're facing.

Your GP does sound very unhelpful - have you looked into changing to a different one? And do you belong to any online forums aimed at people who suffer from the medical conditions you have? I've found them to be really useful at times.

ManInBeige Wed 16-Jan-13 23:06:47

Did you change GP?

Utterlylostandneedtogo Wed 16-Jan-13 22:49:17

Just to update you. Things are no better. I'm going crazy because I'm constantly being ignored and my feelings overlooked and am now thinking of moving out. I hate how he has made me become. I used to be happy and confident and now, well, I'm really the opposite of that.

ElectricSheep Tue 01-Jan-13 02:03:15

Every teenager knows that if they want a sexual partner they have to be clean ans sweet smellng - may be your DP needs reminding of that?

Could you buy some nice male smellies and leave with a note to use every fucking day you stinky rancid oik daily?

tallwivglasses Tue 01-Jan-13 01:52:52

Oh Utterly. Does he not realise stinky bits are a massive turn off? If you take control things can only get better. I promise.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Tue 01-Jan-13 00:54:40

Happy fucking new year

Utterlylostandneedtogo Tue 01-Jan-13 00:54:30

Well at five to midnight he instigated a massive row about our sex life (or rather the lack thereof) and has now stropped off to bed calling me unreasonable and unrealistic.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Mon 31-Dec-12 19:36:24

Dressing gown has been burned.

He works long hours but when he gets home he sees no reason to have a shower before changing which would combat the problem. Then by the time he's gone to bed (usually by 9) he's still not showered or washed then he's up so early in the morning he usually had a top and tail at the sink which helps a but isn't thorough. I think he has a proper shower or bath twice a week maybe. I refuse to go near him when he's like that.

He could well be depressed and in all honesty he probably is but he is of the opinion depression is a made up illness and that its something people 'get for attention'. He's had a lot to deal with in the last 2 years I'd say its more than got on too of him.

I do love him, a lot, but I really don't like him or find him attractive at the moment.

Fairylea Mon 31-Dec-12 08:05:07

Could your dp be depressed too? Do you still love him? If you do it may be possible to work together and sort things out.... personal hygiene is often one of the first things to go with men and depression, the drinking may also be part of that but it depends on whether he just has form for this.

Definitely agree re changing your doctor.

Then burn the dressing gown and work out whether you actually want to be with dp or not. You don't owe him or anyone else anything you know. You don't need permission to leave him.

BadLad Mon 31-Dec-12 07:52:15

Re your "perfect siblings", you need to stop comparing yourself to them, especially as a measure of success. You sound like you have a lot to cope with - they might well not be able to deal with working full time, your illnesses and unhelpful partner.

Why does your DP smell, by the way?

izzyizin Sun 30-Dec-12 22:18:47

Make a start by changing your doctor or insisting on a referral to a pain clinic and having a word with your neighbours, or calling noise nuisance, so that you can get a good sleep every night.

Has the dreaded dressing gown gone up in smoke yet?

Allergictoironing Sun 30-Dec-12 22:08:20

Yep that seems to be the right priority. Get yourself strong again, and as pain free as the pain clinic can manage, THEN look at the next steps. Knowing you have a plan, both short & long term, should help make you feel stronger too.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Sun 30-Dec-12 21:44:12

I think I need to get me right and me strong enough to tackle the him and us issues.

Hassled Sun 30-Dec-12 21:40:23

Your stinking, drunk DP is not the father of your kids and you work FT so presumably are financially self-sufficient - or at least could cope? So - how does he benefit your life? Why are you with him? Would life be easier or harder without him?

You've had a lot of good advice - and a hell of a hard time. Will be thinking of you. Baby steps - one thing at at time; you can't do all of this at once. But you can do it.

Allergictoironing Sun 30-Dec-12 21:35:42

I would have thought you would be looking for ways to end the relationship with your "D"P rather than hope it improved wink - a stinky drunk who doesn't appear to help you in any way?

But seriously, burning the dressing gown sounds like a good move to me and changing your GP an even better one. Sounds like you've managed to start prioritising the issues and are finally managing to see the wood for the trees grin. Have a wine or brew as a pat on the back, you are sounding much more in control of yourself & thinking more clearly smile.

Utterlylostandneedtogo Sun 30-Dec-12 20:14:08

I'm going to change GP tomorrow and also contact the council.

I can't help but think once I get a grip on the bits that are stopping me sleep my relationship with Dp may improve. I'm going to burn his dressing gown tomorrow when he's at work to get round that one. Yes I've reached those kind of lengths now!

I feel empty. Everyone is getting hyped about New Years parties but no one has asked if I want to join them. They've all asked what am I doing....when I say nothing they change the subject.

Least I'm home alone tomorrow and can ignore the world (although it keeps ignoring me so not sure what that would achieve!)

izzyizin Sat 29-Dec-12 16:59:37

The tasks of changing your doctor and reporting noise nuisance are easy and should take very little time to effect.

Kicking your dp out may take a tad longer. Do you own or rent the property you are living in, and are the deeds/mortgag/tenancy agreement in joint names or your sole name?

Nooneelseisallowedafergus Sat 29-Dec-12 15:35:16

Go back to your gp and request a referral to pain clinic (based at the hospital but you attend as an outpatient). They will assess your physical problems and find solutions. Could be acupuncture, could be meds, but there will be something that helps, even if it's just a little. There are also expert patient programmes (again, ask your gp for a leaflet and you can refer yourself and get on a programme). These programmes teach you techniques to deal with your long term conditions and give you a support network.
Be assertive, say to the gp, 'i have arranged this appointment to get a referral for pain clinic for x y and z. Would you do this for me please as I work full time, have a busy home life and need some help with my pain'.
It'll be ok.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Sat 29-Dec-12 15:24:55

I agree with everything Izzy says. You do need to find a helpful Doctor. That attitude is terrible, you should not have to put up with pain.

And yes, your "man" needs to go too. He is no good for you at all and is dragging you down.

itsallinmyhead Sat 29-Dec-12 12:18:14

Take your time and approach each issue as and when you are up to it but again, this is where you can lean on support services to help when you're not feeling so motivated.

Forget everything else for today, focus on changing your GP and see this as a massively positive start to changing your life.

I agree with Shelly & Allergic Be kind to yourself and use this thread for support.

You've already taken a massive step forward in asking for support here, congratulate yourself for your bravery and keep the momentum going.

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