Alcoholic Mum

[GingerBreadMacchiato]

She's been really bad for about 10 years, but about 7 months ago she ran out of money, she has been dry for nearly that full 7 months... until now...

She just turned up at mine, steaming drunk, falling over. I asked DP to take DD upstairs and stay with her, DM was completely denying being drunk and got aggressive like normal with the... "I'm not drunk, you've ruined xmas" "Don't know how DP puts up with you" "you're horrible when you're on your period" just an onslaught of horribleness. I asked her to go, she had another go at me then left. This wont be the end of it though, she'll be texting me soon and probably turn up again.

I'm in floods of tears, she always upsets me so much, and embarrasses me in front of DP and upsets DD.

[SmellsLikeTeenStrop]

My mother was also an alcoholic, it is absolutely gutting when they're dry for a spell and then suddenly fall off the wagon.

Ignore texts and don't let her in. It's her choice to drink but you also have the choice to not go anywhere near her if that's how she chooses to behave.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not let her back into your home under any circumstances.

Where she goes now is not your problem; that sounds very harsh but if you enable her in any way she will turn on you (as she has already).

I would suggest you talk to Al-anon, I think someone is there today and they can help you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF


Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888
(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

Please do call them.

[Wickaninnish]

Really feel for you ginger bread

I lived with alcoholic parents from the age of 9 (relatively sober until then), lost count of the times they fell off the wagon (Dad more than Mum because Mum always refused to get on it) and dealt with the chaos they caused for 45 years. Both eventually died of alcohol related causes. Dad had an accident whilst on a binge and Mum alcohol related Liver issues.

Over the years I learned a number of very important things.

1. You cannot cure alcoholism. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic!!
   
2. Some alcoholics can lead sober lives but that decision has to come from them. You can never force an alcoholic to stay sober.
   
3. The more attention you give to an alcoholic during a binge, the more they will demand.
   
4. When in the grips of a binge they do not care what they say or do to you. It is all about them. They will say or do anything to get your attention.
   
5. If you really care about them, the only sensible thing to do is to get them a referral for medical support. I have lost count of how many times I tried to help both my parents detox and dry out (the first time when I was 13 and looking after an 11 year old sister and 3 year old brother). It never worked. The only way a real alcoholic can dry out is with medical and if necessary, psych support)
   
6. At all times you owe it to yourself and your family not to put up with your Mother when she is behaving like that. When she starts ask her to leave the house.
   
7. Find someone to talk to in RL and keep talking. I kept the family secret from my friends from the age of 9 until approx 10 years ago. Once you start talking you will feel enormous relief.
   
8. Accept tht your Mum will probably never apologise for what she is doing to you and it is OK for you not to like her when she behaves like this. I always loved my parents, but found it hard to like them much of the time. I also have to admit to feeling a great deal of peace now that they are no longer here and I no longer have to deal with their issues !!

[JuliaScurr]

chidren of alcoholics

the books are very helpful, also the groups
:)

[JuliaScurr]

alcoholism.about.com/od/adult/Adult_Children_of_Alcoholics.htm

[GingerBreadMacchiato]

I've tried to help her before, for 7 years. Learnt then that trying to help her just isn't the way forwards. She was pulling me down with her. I hope she just goes and sobers up now. I really don't want to have to cut her off again and right near xmas :/ DD loves her so much, I hate that she lets her down.

[sarahseashell]

OP do try an al-anon group for support for you

wikanninish you are an inspiration

[GingerBreadMacchiato]

Yes wikanninish you really are an inspiration, it takes one hell of a women to be that strong

[Wickaninnish]

I dont feel it!!

As a teenager my drive was always to prevent the three of us being taken into care. As an adult it was to protect my DD and ensure that the abuse that goes with alcoholism was not passed down through the generations.

I have benefited enormously from that, with a fantastic daughter and incredible grandchildren!! How lucky am I and how sad my parents never had that pleasure.

[GingerBreadMacchiato]

I'm back again

Keep trying to forget about it all but she leaves me feeling so insecure. I basically secretly cried through all of yday because i really want to marry DP. for the security. I"m so upset. feel like she's tainted my christmas.

DP knows im a bit upset but not to the extent i am and i cant let dd see me upset because she'll get upset.

god i fucking hate that women sometimes. she's been texting me put downs all morning, she's still drunk. I used to be able to not care but i think she's worn me down and I'm starting to believe her. Can't turn my phone off cause of work.

Just don't know what to do.

[Wickaninnish]

Gingerbread do you trust your DP to talk it through with him in depth? He needs to understand the issue if you are going to get married and you need him as an ali when she is really bad.

I wouldn't accept the text thing. Either block her or change your phone number and ensure she doesn't get the new one.

Do not allow anything she says to affect you. You wouldn't think twice about the things said to you by a drunk in the street and right now that is what she is. She is trying to needle you to get a reaction.

I appreciate that might all sound hard. However, you have to protect yourself and your family from abuse whether it is emotional or physical and wherever it comes from. It is sad that it is coming from your Mum, but it will take time and willingness on her behalf to change that !!

[GingerBreadMacchiato]

Everything you say Wick makes so much sense to me, it's so helpful, thank you. DP was asking me last night why i suddenly want to get married again and i did tell him, he's said we will be getting married in 2013, and now i feel like i've ruined a surprise :/

Have decided that I am going to pick DD up from school and go off christmas shopping with her and get something to eat. I will leave my phone at home and just try and forget her. Then tomorrow I will look into blocking her number.

She ruined last christmas with her shit, so I'm defo not letting her ruin this one. I know I will feel so so guilty but i think I'm going to put my foot down and make sure she doesn't come round for xmas day this year (she has no other family that will talk to her due to how she has behaved with them) My DD and DP are all I need.

God it feels good to get that all out!!

[Wickaninnish]

The interesting thing you will note if you do stand strong, is that she will ramp up the abuse in the short term. However, once she realises it is no longer having the desired effect she will calm down and be a lot more reasonable.

During that phase you set the boundaries. Mine were:

1. You are only welcome in this house if you are sober.
   
2. I will not tolerate emotional abuse from you. If you start, you are out.
   
3. I will not allow you to be alone with my DD(when she was younger) Her mind is not capable of understanding the games you play.
   

It worked for me, but I never dropped my guard or relaxed the rules. My parents rapidly realised that I had a great deal more emotional strength than they did. I did cry in private, but never let the mask slip in their presence !!

[Wickaninnish]

gingerbread the other thing you must remember if you start to feel guilty standing up to your Mum, is that the demon you are fighting is alcohol, not her.

Right now it has wormed it's way into her life and taken over.

You have no emotional relationship with alcohol, so it should be relatively easy to stand up to it !!

[GingerBreadMacchiato]

You're right Wick Need to be strong with her.

Have managed to block her number on my phone. Had a lovely time out shopping and mooching with DD, feel less tearful. Was meant to buy DM one last present but i havent because I have no intention to risk seeing her over xmas.

[Wickaninnish]

Thinking of you gingerbread. Have things calmed down?