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Yet another male wanting some advice

(89 Posts)
SummerDad Tue 11-Dec-12 23:50:04

I have read on these threads that living in a bad relationship for the sake of children is generally a recipe for disaster as children have problems in their relationships when they grow old. I want to know how much can that affect children in the long run.

A bit of background, I have been in a pretty cold and sexless life for last eight years which has only changed us for worse over this period. We have a two years old child and we are living together for the sake of our child now mainly because we don't have any close friends of family here and we both want to play an active role in his life.

We are never abusive or shouting at each other but this sexless marriage has started to crack my nerves now. We even sleep in different rooms.

We never argue much with each other as we don't happen to discuss much. Though sometimes when my wife is agitated she can be a bit loud. I need some realistic advice regarding this as I don't want my child to go through the same issues we have been facing.

Dozer Sat 15-Dec-12 17:59:28

The professional counselling body is BACP, you can search for your nearest people. Look at their approach, which should be on their site.

Re money, the MN consensus seems to be that the ideal is for almost all money earned to go into a joint account; spending/saving etc agreed mutually; money for personal use (eg gifts for each other, hobbies, nights out with friends, or whatever!) goed into individual accounts (this need not be totally equal, eg if one person "needs" more).

It is generally deemed unfair if the higher earner (usually the man) has more power over how much of "his" money is spent and what on.

FestiviaBlueberry Wed 19-Dec-12 21:33:57

It's not true that there is no point to Relate if the relationship can't be saved.

Relate can be incredibly useful in helping people to manage a break-up in the most civilised, reasonable way they can, without beginning to attack each other.

It's not just to repair your marriage. It's to help you manage the break up so that you are capable of co-parenting with the minimum of damage to your children.

For that alone, it's worth going.

jingleallthespringy Wed 19-Dec-12 21:59:05

What do you mean when you say your wife is unhappy with the financial side of your marriage? What is the current financial situation and why is she unhappy with it?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Wed 19-Dec-12 22:33:41

Equal amounts of spending money to spend on yourself, that's the key to a fair financial arrangement in a marriage. To clarify: that's what's left after the bills have all been paid including whatever the DC need (lunches, hobbies, new clothes etc). There are too many stories of marriages where all the surplus money (even if it's only £10 a week) is claimed by the man to treat himself - or where the supposedly 'equal' share of leftover money isn't at all, because the wife is expected to pay for all the DC's needs out of her 'share' and the husband spends all his share on himself.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Wed 19-Dec-12 22:52:41

Agreed SolidGold. I do budgeting with people as part of my job and see it all the time. Beer for the DH is a need and clothes for the DC are a want. My theory is that the fairest way is normally for all the money to go into a pot; bills, savings, DC's needs are paid, then what is left is split between the partners.

SummerDad Wed 19-Dec-12 22:55:16

jingleallthespringy When we got married, all our salaries went into a joint account and all the expenditures were paid from that account, this was the time when we I earned more or less the same.

Then comes the tricky phase. I got a research scholarship for three years. During this time, though I had parallel income from some teaching assignments etc at the university, my earnings were less than hers. After a few months, she diverted her salary to her own account without telling me.

When I asked the reason to do so, she was like don't you trust me. During this time, all of my income was being used in full for the expenses while only a part of her salary was used. Around the end of this phase, we made some investment. I was surprised to find that she wanted invest in her own name as it was "her" earned money. I was shocked to know that's what it was all about.

As I restarted my professional career, things have changed. Continuing the same arrangement i.e. 50/50 contribution in the expenditure, now only a fraction of her salary is saved while a big chunk of my salary remains unused. I can feel clearly that she is not comfortable with this "unfair" arrangement.

Sorry for the long story but without the background, it won't make much sense smile.

foreverondiet Wed 19-Dec-12 23:38:14

I see your point about begging for access, yes can see that sad but equally she might need your help and money so it might not come to that.

I agree with the others re: spare money, although I wouldn't mind if DH has spare money that he saved for our future, more resentful if he spent spare money without consulting esp if the amounts were big! We have one bank account, totally shared, although we do each have some investments in our own names (him more than me). Don't really understand marriages where finances aren't shared.

I also think you could buy some self help books on improving marriage and leave them lying around. She might read (less threatening that counselling) plus you might find something helpful.


foreverondiet Wed 19-Dec-12 23:44:21

re: fair money think fairest now, if you want to try to make amends is to set aside an amount equivalent to the amount she invested for your own savings / investments and go back to sharing all money into joint account.

SummerDad Thu 20-Dec-12 00:10:26

I don't know, I try hard not to think about the past because more I think about it, more hurt I feel. I feel a part of me has died going through all this and I am not the same person any more, find it very hard to trust anyone's affection really. It seems money and material gains and so called self-reliance are dear to some people more than anything.

jingleallthespringy Thu 20-Dec-12 10:31:56

It doesn't sound like you're in a marriage tbh. From what you say it looks like she does her own thing entirely and is not committed to being in a partnership. No wonder you feel you have died sad

Please get along to counselling at your earliest convenience. You need a professional to support you through your next steps and to validate your experiences. You sound in a great deal of pain and my heart goes out to you.

It may be an idea to call Womens Aid re advice about the legalities. 0808 2000 247. They will listen to you and support you as well as giving you concrete practical advice if you ask for it. Try to call between 7pm-7am as the lines are busy these days, sadly. Don't be put off by their name - your position is precisely the type of situation they are there to support.

Keep posting if it helps.

jingleallthespringy Thu 20-Dec-12 10:38:42

You can't go on like this SD. You have to save your life.

AgathaHoHoHo Thu 20-Dec-12 14:37:01

You deserve so much more out of life than this.

SummerDad Thu 20-Dec-12 22:53:40

jingleallthespringy and all thanks a lot for your kind support. Reading through all the comments once again, I find myself of being guilty of making my wife look like a monster while she is not so. That's why I did not want to talk much about the negative things.

Having said that, I am feeling quite better after sharing this all and having all this wonderful support from every one. Under the guise, perhaps this thread also turned into another "hold my hands" thread not sure how does that sound for a male op though smile

jingleallthespringy Fri 21-Dec-12 07:06:19

She may not be a monster iyo but she is not committed to being in a partnership from what you say. Transferring her money from your joint account is a big no-no, particularly as she didn't even discuss it with you . It looks likely that you are in an abusive situation. Please get along to counselling at your earliest convenience to discuss your situation as it is worrying how low you are.. however, I wondered if you see a breakdown as the only way to convince your family/culture that the marriage is killing you?

You may rally, thinking 'aw, it's not so bad' but OP it clearly is bad. Please address this as soon as you can.

Thinking of you. Keep posting if it helps. and here's my hand <squeeze>

SummerDad Fri 21-Dec-12 08:55:49

jingleallthespringy First thing in the morning I see this message and it makes me smile. Posting on here has restored my confidence in women a lot. Thanks very much for such lovely words, I am sure I am going to have a wonderful day smile

SummerDad Fri 21-Dec-12 09:00:05

I am not bothered about my family/culture any more. I just want to be there with my son every day and want to see him grow every day, it is such a joy smile

2712 Fri 21-Dec-12 11:00:45

I'm a bit confused reading this thread.
You claimed that you were unhappy as it was a sexless marriage. But later in the thread you said she never refused to have sex with you but that you found it repulsive.
So is it sexless or not?

SummerDad Fri 21-Dec-12 11:23:59

2712 It was me who initiated it whenever we had it. I never felt wanted and slowly I just withdrew myself too.

jingleallthespringy Fri 21-Dec-12 19:22:27

So painful sad

A fate worse than death tbf. There's a proverb about it somewhere...

SummerDad Mon 24-Dec-12 19:40:08

Feeling pretty low, no idea what should I do?

SummerDad Thu 27-Dec-12 09:41:36

I have identified an employee assistance programme at my work and have had an initial confidential online chat with them. Though it was just an online chat, the experience was quite exhausting. I am supposed to call in for further discussion but I am not sure if I have courage to be open about my personal issues to someone in the real life, is this normal ?

TheLightPassenger Thu 27-Dec-12 10:15:14

yes, it's completely normal to feel v wary of opening up to a counsellor. Give it a go though, it's better than waiting to have a breakdown.

glitch Thu 27-Dec-12 11:51:24

Hi SummerDad,
Your relationship sounds very similar to the one I had with my STBXH. We ended up in quite a cold, unloving relationship with both of us wanting more but not really from each other. We were moving in different directions and although we really wanted it to work we just passed each other by.

We went to relate as a make or break, try everything for the sake of our DS. It ended with us separating but I feel like it was worth it as we know we tried our best and it was the right decision for us both. It meant the split was amicable so we can still speak to each other easily and make joint decisions about our DS.

I think you are very brave for trying to resolve your relationship issues, so many people bury their head in the sand and hope it will just sort itself out.

SummerDad Thu 27-Dec-12 14:37:06

What scares me more that it would be either make or a break. If it was only in my hands, I would do everything to make it work but not sure where would it lead to. I have talked to my wife about going for counselling but she remained quiet, hasn't said anything to me since. Sometimes, I feel I have zero emotional intelligence, can't ever figure out what's going on in a woman's head.

jingleallthespringy Fri 28-Dec-12 01:08:30

She seems to control you with what she doesn't do, by an absence of what should be there but isn't. A withholding somehow. It makes me feel quite ill to read it. As I said, it's extraordinarily painful to be on the end of, truly agonising.

here are some of the proverbs I referred to (above):

Better to have a dish of vegetables where there is love than juicy steaks where there is hate.

Love unexpressed is like a slap in the face.

A counsellor will support you in making sense of what is going on (yes, it is hard to get started with a counsellor. Perhaps write something down to get it clear in your head? You could also present what you've written to the counsellor to save explaining it all. You could use this thread..?).

When you said your wife remained quiet, what do you mean - did she say nothing at all, no reply at all? Do you also mean she hasn't spoken to you at all since, or hasn't spoken to you about this since you mentioned it?

YOu have said that she does what she wants to do without discussing it with you eg she transferred the funds from your joint account to her account. Either she is chronically incapable of speaking to you or she is controlling you. Both are desperately painful for you.

You may not be able to figure out what's in a woman's head - most men wail about this btw! - but your wife is being particularly opaque.

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