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I am really crap at arguing but dh just lost it for no reason and I dont know how to respond.(47 Posts)
Dh has always been a bit grumpy being woken at night, luckily (for him) since I breastfeed it is rare that I bother waking him as i am normally awake anyway since i am a bad sleeper and theres not much he cam do even if he is awake.
I should put here that he is fantastic in the day, i get to go have naps at will, he is self employed and take the children to school so i can relax in the mornings when he can etc etc. he also is generally quite kind, gentle etc. We rarely argue and he rarely loses his temper about anything - apart from as i say being woken. Generally he just has a moan and get on though.
Tonight dd(3) woke up at the same time as i was feeidng the baby so i asked dh to go and put her to bed, he has his normal moan and gets up but dd plays up amd wont go back in her room so all of a sudden out of the blue and as i say totally out of character, he just explodes not really at her but around her picks her up dumps her on the bed then rips the stair gate off the wall and throws it across the hall. He then goes downstairs and i beleive is now lyign on the couch although i havent bothered to go see.
I have NO idea what brought it on, we work together in our business so i KNOW things are going well at work. I kmow of no other stresses on him other that being a fucking idiot when it comes to waking up.
I feel like i have to respond heavily to is he has really lost it, was rough with our dd and broken the gate etc. im just not sure how. At the moment im thinking of just telling him to get out in the morning.
Tis probably sounds really confused but well i am as i say an hour ago we were sleeping peacefully amd happy i still dont really know what happened...
That sounds very frightening for you and your dd. I agree he needs to know that was totally not on, but I suspect he is already feeling a bit of a plank for his outburst. Maybe there is something else on his mind. Can you wait and talk it over when the kids are in school? Was your dd upset?
How stressful to have that happen out of nowhere. I agree with LargeLatte -- imagine he is sulking b/c he feels guilty plus still bothered by whatever is bothering him. I think I'd wait till morning to ask about it too, you need a good night's sleep whether he gets one or not. If it's something serious you're both better off dealing with it in daylight when you've had some rest and he's had some time to pull it together. Hope you can sleep.
Large - Perhaps there is something on his mind but if there is he has hidden it really well he seemed fine all day! He seems to be asleep now I can hear him snoring on the couch which is making me that annoyed I had to shut the bedroom door so I couldn't hear him. I hope his he behaved is weighing on his mind but tbh it doesn't se to be
I would say dd was more bewildered. She just sort of got into bed and waited for me to fix the gate. Younger dd (2) was upset she just kept saying "daddy did it" but she's all tucked up asleep now
The older ones somehow managed to sleep through the whole thing
Keatsie - I'm going to try and get a few hours but I've got myself in a tizzy about it now and I'm not feeling confident!
Ha, sorry, how unfair that he's sleeping now and you're not. I once woke my husband up b/c I felt that he had started the fight and ought to have stayed awake to finish it, but that was not my finest moment, can't recommend it. Still I remember how maddening it was. Still I hope you can manage it. And if not he'll owe you tomorrow.
Nothing more annoying than hearing someone snore instead if begging forgiveness!
Not much to add other than I hope you get to the bottom of it and that the dcs aren't too freaked out.
A stairgate, wow! My gentle giant of a DH lost it once when ours were tiny and broke his toe kicking a wall waiting for the milk to warm in the middle of the night. He felt like a right arse and I had a right ols smug face on being, for the first and last time, the calm and rational parent...
Thinking of you and hope it all works out.
I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that such outbursts will not happen again or he can walk right through the door if he does it again.
Not so much the losing patience and picking up and putting on the bed. Sometimes we are too soft, and it works a treat to know that they really have to go back to bed and we tolerate no nonsense.
But the stair gate is too frightening and it destroys property at home. Plus he left you to sort it out and reassure the children. Not good at all.
I hope he apologises profusely for this, and makes it up to you and learns to control his temper.
However, I can kinda empathise. I am TERRIBLE when woken, I am a lone parent and I have had outbursts of grumpiness when I'm woken in the night by DD, she has never been dealt the brunt of it because I control it, but before having her, I could go proper mental because I couldn't control the rage of tiredness. Some are more affected by tiredness, mine has lessened as I have gotten used to not having as much sleep or my sleep being broken, however, it took having a baby to do that!
He really needs to apologies, and I hope this doesn't happen again.
Violent temper tantrums are not really a sign of being grumpy when woken, they are the sign of a violent person.
I think if it's a regular thing, yes. However, the OP has said this was out of character. Benefit of the doubt and all that, but his behaviour needs to be approached and discussed rationally. If it were to happen again, I'd consider removing him from the home.
I'd see how he is when he wakes up. If he is beside himself
as he should be! and apologises profusely etc etc that's one thing. But if he tries to brush it off, belittle it or blame anyone/anything else then I think you have a serious issue here.
Sorry that happened. Sounds awful
I once thrashed a chair in a fit of rage.
At the time, I was under sever pressure and had panic attacks, just gotten through the worst of PND, and somehow I ( literally) lost the plot.
I am not violent at all, and I am still a bit scared about what came over me...
I really hope your H will be remorseful and embarrassed tomorrow ( i am still mortified at my behaviour 4 years on) as that would show it WAS out of character.
Firstly, he will just have to accept that, as a parent, he does not have the right to sleep through the night so he needs to get over it. Many, many of us are extremely grumpy to wake in the night but he just needs to get over it and man up. What if he were alone with the children? What if he were a single a parent? He would have to cope and he would! He only grumps because he knows it will get him out of doing it.
His outburst was aggressive and violent. He should seek anger management. He can get his GP to refer him for cbt. If he doesn't do this then he is sending the message that it's not that important to him. See what he does and then you can decide your next step.
I'm going to leave to one side the moral rights and wrongs of such an outburst for a moment and ask you what this man's health and lifestyle are like. Would you say he is in good shape regarding exercise, alcohol consumption, diet, body-weight, smoking habits etc.? Mood-swings, stress and behavioural problems including being excessively 'grumpy in the morning' can be symptomatic of poor health, poor diet, poor sleep quality (you mention snoring already) and so on. Whilst I'm not offering this as an excuse and whilst I think you should give him a very hard time indeed about his general attitude and specifically the violent outburst, I'd also suggest he visits a GP for a full physical check-up.
Our stair gate suffered this fate too.
I can't for the life of me remember why DH booted it.
I know it had a far stronger homemade wall bracket ever after.
Young children and lack of sleep are very stressful. Got to DH more than I realised at the time.
Also I think the whole fact that men still take the view in their heart of hearts that they need to protect and fund their family and that the whole thing is their ultimate responsibility is quietly stressful.
OP you need to sit down and talk quietly to your DH and see if there is anything specific, as this was so out of character, but I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't just having DCs is hard work.
I would echo that startail.
There may be something on his mind but i think it is more likely a combination of young family/woken in the night/general stress.
FWIW my temper is a bit flare upy. Its better now i'm older but in my 20s i injured myself a good few times because of it. The worst was when i kicked our large plastic kitchen swing bin out through the back door. All the time sweraing and cursing like a good'en. It bounced and came back at me so i kicked it again so hard my foot went through it and i needed stitches
I have never and would never ever be violent to a person or an animal though. Inanimate objects get the brunt of it for me.
Sit down with your DH, OP, and have a chat about how his outburst made you feel last night and what he thought bought it on.
Ok the morning hasn't really gone as expected. He is apparently "angry" still and not speaking to me just sitting on the couch sending work emails on his phone.
Not entirely sure what's going on here but my normally sunny demeanour is starting to wear down....
Sod the sunny demeanor. Ask him to explain himself.
Have you asked him to explain why he is angry?
Ask him what he is angry about. If he doesn't respond, don't get sucked in to an argument, tell him you would like to speak when he's calm and just carry on with your day. When he
grows up snaps out of it, ask him again.
I have asked him and he won't talk to me. All he says is that dd should have gone to her room. I have no idea wtf is going on tbh.
Leave him and say that you'll want to talk later. Don't give him the attention, he's acting like a child.
I think I'm going to tidy up a bit then take the babies to the park. It will be interesting to see what he says to MIL as she visits on a Wednesday! He's normally at the office not siting in a ball of seething hatred in the corner.
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