I might be being a complete brat. Would I be justified in leaving him?

[namechangejane]

Last night and tonight DH shouted at me for no particular reason. Tonight when I confronted him upstairs he followed me down the stairs prodding me and imitating me nagging. Both incidents were after he'd consumed alcohol - he'd had about a bottle and a half of wine each time (I'd had maybe 2 glasses each time).

We have a 2yo DC. We are living in a city where I know no one because we moved here for his work. He has lots of friends and contacts here. It seems he gets more arrogant/hurtful the more contact he has with these people (they are lovely) - like he's glad I have no support network. Like he's glad he's the only one I have to rely on.

I've never been reliant on anyone. We got married after I had our baby. I loved him, I maybe love him now and I might be being a drama queen but I keep fantasising about leaving him and getting a place, just me and our DC, in the city we used to live in, where I have friends and family.

He has hurt me recently with secret porn use (I went away to help a good friend whose baby came early) then I went on his laptop when I got back (with his permission) to look for a certain breast feeding website and I got porn popups all over the place - he tried to say it was because he googled "2 girls 1 cup" because his friend had asked about it but later admitted he was lying. It's more the lying than the porn use that gets to me, but the porn use is a big deal to me. I had an ex who had a porn addiction - that's why he's my ex. I don't know what to think. I have moral objections to porn but I think I would have been ok with it if he'd been honest.

Anyway this is a massive ramble. He's great around the house and with our DC - honestly he's incredible, probably does more housework than me and is happy to wake up with DC most weekend mornings so I can have a massive lie in.

But the way he has treated me recently just makes me feel like I don't want to do this anymore. I've tried to suggest we separate but he insists he wants to stay with me.

Am I being an ungrateful cow? Have I got anything at all to be bitching about? I honestly don't know. I am so far from my friends and family I have lost all perspective.

[namechangejane]

Shameful bump :(

[Dryjuice25]

Does he listen to you when you need him to? He sounds childish and a pain in the neck when drunk. Does he have a drinking problem? More importantly, what do you get out of this relationship?

Didn't want to read and run....

[namechangejane]

Thanks so much for answering.

He listens but he never admits fault. Conversely, I do admit fault when necessary. Almost more than I should.

He drinks at least a bottle of wine a night, but I'm no angel. I tend to over-drink on Friday and Saturday nights (SAHM, boredom, no excuse really). It seems to me as though he'd be quite happy living here alone. And t

[namechangejane]

to be honest, I'd rather move back to my hometown and have friends, family and support. I feel under so much pressure here. :( And he just makes me feel useless. I never understand why he raises his voice to me, especially in front of our DC. :(

[Arion]

I think you have your answer in your last post then. If you'd be happier away from him, even with the support he gives at the weekend, then you've kind of been shown your decision?
We're looking at upping sticks to move half way round the world so me and the DCs can be with DH more. I have concerns but he listens to me and doesn't belittle me (even with some really silly concerns/thought that I have). This is because DH respects me, it sounds like that might be lacking with your DH?

[4aminsomniac]

Does he always drink that amount? Has he ever treated you badly when he hasn't been drinking? It sounds like a lot of alcohol.

[firefliesinjune]

Sorry you are having such a bad time. You are not wrong to feel like this - he has behaved badly. It might sound simple but you need to sit down and have a chat about it. Tell him what you said here - you feel you have no network of friends - you feel alone and the way he has treated you makes you feel terrible. Have you done this? I have been with my DH for 9 years and we have 2 DC. I have often dreamt of leaving him, he has BPD (borderline personality disorder) which makes life very hard sometimes. The only way we get through things is to talk and talk. Could you try and integrate yourself better into the new town, are there any groups you could join? You would perhaps feel a lot better if you can establish yourself in the town.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

So what do you get out of this relationship now?. You did not answer that question.

Someone who also does not admit fault, well thats a red flag. What he is doing is basically abdicating all responsibility for his actions and blaming you instead. You end up apologising for all sorts.

He probabaly blames you for his porn usage as well.

Do you think he is drinking too much?.

Of course he wants to stay with you, he can then emotionally abuse you some more!. He gets what he wants from this, your needs and concerns are but of secondary concern to him. Someone who also prods you and mimics your voice is not someone whom I daresay would be open at all to any discussion about how unhappy you are. This is also because he could not honestly care less about you and by turn your children.

Do you have family support; can you talk to them? I would at the very least talk to Womens Aid as they can and will help you here.

You sound like you want out anyway and also this relationship is a poor role model for your children to be copying. What do you want to teach the DC about relationships?.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I never understand why he raises his voice to me, especially in front of our DC."

He sounds like he has an alcohol problem. A bottle of wine or more a night is way beyond normal or healthy. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and also acts as a depressant. Excess alcohol consumption on a too regular basis can easily turn a regular guy into a nasty piece of work with no moral boundaries.

Your situation isn't tolerable as it stands so I'd make it a straight choice... either he stops drinking immediately and bucks his ideas up or you and your DC are out of his life. Set a time limit... say a month to begin with... and be prepared to carry the threat through. If you give him a straight choice it stops being your fault and instead becomes his decision.