not sure what to do

[newnameolduser]

I am a name change for this and I feel sick as I am writing it.

When I was younger and it was /save all your kisses for me/ on top of the pops, I think it was number one for ages, my dad used to always look over at me and wink. It used to make me feel sick and I was about 6 at the time.
I used to have to sit next to my mother (whom I disliked) and I even sat on a pair of sewing scissors once, just to sit next to her as I felt so petrified of being near my dad.

When we were on holiday once I went on and on about a Hello kitty purse I wanted. I was 14 ish at the time. I said in a stupid voice "I want a pursey". Which I suppose sounded like "I want a pussy". My dad looked at me and laughed at said "you've already got one". I feel so sick at these thoughts. This was over 20 years ago but when I see my dad I always wear polo necks and keep my coat on. I don't know if anything more than this happened but he always makes me feel uneasy.

Is it nothing? Am I over reacting? My mother seemed to be totally unaware of any of my feelings and I couldn't say anything to her now, nor to my father (they divorced a few years ago).

It is really preying on my mind, the things he did, silly though they may sound I felt sick and frightened of what he could do. (A friend of his was a paedophile and he used to visit this man in prison.) I really can't think straight even though it was so long ago. It is the first time I have ever said about it ever.

[Mu1berries]

WEll if he makes you feel uneasy then you don't need to defend that to anybody else. SOrry I don't know what to advise, but I do think that you are entitled to trust your own feelings and it sounds like they've been exhaustingly consistent over the years. I ohpe somebody else can say something more helpful. I didn't want to say nothing because your post is so sad. Do you know why your parents divorced? perhaps your mother found him odd without realising that you found him odd.

[Mu1berries]

ps I meant to say, no you are not over reacting because this is how you feel. My father never made me feel like this. Children don't expect to be made feel so uncomfortable by their parents so he must really have been quite creepy to make you sense his creepiness as early as six, so no, you're not over reacting in my opinion. just because you don't have a catalogue of abuse that you can list off at the drop of a hat. your own father sounds like he wasn't a good father whatever way you look at it.

[Newnameolduser]

Thanks for yr advice. It's not right what he did, is it. I wonder if I am getting worse and more upset about it the more time goes on. Thank you anyway for your reply. It is a very uncomfortable thing to talk about but writing it was slightly easier.

[squeezed]

So sorry you are feeling like this. You're definitely not overreacting if this is how you are feeling, it is very real. It's really scary when you aren't sure what has happened. I've asked myself similar questions, got some answers, and resolved that I don't want to dig any further. That's working for me at the moment.

Speaking to your Mum and/or Dad is likely to be difficult and I'd suggest talking it through with someone else before considering it. Could you speak to a professional in RL?

[squeezed]

Also, just to add, how he spoke to you was completely inappropriate and blurring boundaries. And that's putting it mildly.

[Newnameolduser]

Thanks for your reply squeezed. What do you mean about "putting it mildly" with the blurring boundaries? i am really in a state about it all but seeing my counsellor but not until 2 weeks time. I cannot discuss it with my husband as I am feeling so awful and low. It is easier to discuss it with strangers!!

Thank you again. I am lacking all perspective.

[squeezed]

Your father shouldn't have been sexually suggestive in any way. That's not what the father daughter relationship should be and it can be hurtful and damaging.

It may feel like you are losing perspective,but it's understandable that you may be feeling confused given what you are thinking about.

It's understandable that you're apprehensive about seeing the counselor, but you're already made the brave step just thinking about talking about it. 2weeks may feel like a long time to wait,but could you speak to gp, or Samaritans? I used them when I was waiting and it helped a bit with the confusion. It can be easier to talk to strangers, they don't know the person you're talking about which can make it easier.

Just remember, it wasn't your fault and your feelings are real.

[squeakytoy]

that song was about a dad and his little girl.. it was a perfectly innocent song, but I am not saying your feelings are wrong or not valid either. If you felt uncomfortable at that age, then something was definately wrong I would think.