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OH confused me with odd comments. Help!

(13 Posts)
RocketSalad Fri 09-Nov-12 14:41:27

I think I am a bit confused.

I posted recently about the chap I have been dating (10 year age gap) and thanks to lots of helpful replies to my previous post, I relaxed and just enjoyed. Out of the blue yesterday he told me he wasn't ready to love again. He then brought up other things, such as exclusivity (had I slept with someone else, would I, he wouldn't etc) and almost seemed to try and clarify what our relationship is whilst saying "I don't want to put a label on it". No need for any of it and didn't entirely establish what he wanted to achieve by even bringing it up.

Have to say we are having a very lovely time. This has put a little dampener on things, plus I am now not due to see him until Sunday.

apartridgeinapeartree Fri 09-Nov-12 14:44:52

If I've understood your correctly, he seems to be giving quite mixed messages.

He's saying he's not ready for love again, but at the same time he wants you to commit to him, is that right?

ShamyFarrahCooper Fri 09-Nov-12 14:46:10

Sounds like (from the little info) he wants to be sure you are there for him, when he decides what he wants. I'd be a bit wary to be honest. He wants to know that you are his partner without committing the same to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-Nov-12 14:49:22

He could be expressing insecurity, worried that you'd prefer a younger man. He could be trying to extract some kind of commitment from you.. testing you... but it would be a pretty cack-handed way of going about it. Dating is meant to be fun ffs. Is he worth the bother???? hmm

B1ueberryFields Fri 09-Nov-12 14:49:28

So he wants all the benefits of a commited relationship with no commitment?
He wants confirmation that you're faithful to him while making it clear that he can eject any second.

That is not reasonable.

Dahlen Fri 09-Nov-12 14:50:35

What do you want? If you really like him and you're dating because you want a long-term relationship that could lead to something serious, call it off now. He's made his position clear (not available). Asking you about exclusivity reeks of "I don't want to commit to you but I expect you to commit to me".

If, on the other hand, you just want a bit of fun with no strings attached, and you are happy to assert your own boundaries (i.e. decide to reserve the right to see other people or to be exclusive because you want to, rather than because he's asked you to be), carry on as you are.

RocketSalad Fri 09-Nov-12 14:51:57

Actually when challenged (I am just processing this) he said he was not ready to love again yet. On (more) reflection it seemed as though there was some inner turmoil. I did say that feelings can't be helped and usually falling in love (or not) was not a choice thing when spending time with, liking, enjoying and respecting someone else. He claims to have his feelings under control.

There was no intimation or feeling that he was after any kind of commitment. I havent slept with anyone else, nor am I and nor would I. He told me he hadn;t or wouldn't, I didn't ask. I don't feel the need to ask stuff like that.

RocketSalad Fri 09-Nov-12 14:57:19

Ftr he is younger by ten years not vice versa.

Dahlen Fri 09-Nov-12 15:01:50

If you've both chosen to be exclusive for reasons other than commitment (e.g. sexual health or whatever) then that's fine.

But I still think you should take him at his word. You're quite right about falling in love not really being a choicebut it's also true that falling in love before you are emotionally ready to do so can be disastrous.

I would question why he has put himself out there dating when he's not ready. Though to give him the benefit of the doubt it could be that dating itself is what's made him realise he's not ready. It's definitely a conversation that needs exploring further though if you don't want to get hurt or messed about.

Dahlen Fri 09-Nov-12 15:04:22

I don't think the age gap is particularly relevant unless he's particularly young. There are loads of relationships with a ten-year age gap in them. It may be more unusual for it to be the male who's younger, but it's not particularly noteworthy unless he happens to be 23 and still living at home with his parents or something.

PeppermintPasty Fri 09-Nov-12 15:13:21

I think he sounds insecure. I am very cynical generally <bitter emoticon>, but could it be that he is falling for you, is worried in case you don't feel the same, and has generally given himself a fright about it?

Not that I am saying you are frightening of course wink

achillea Fri 09-Nov-12 16:14:06

I did say that feelings can't be helped and usually falling in love (or not) was not a choice thing when spending time with, liking, enjoying and respecting someone else. He claims to have his feelings under control.

If he is 'not ready to love' it means he isn't in love in the way you expect him to be and the way that people normally are - you are right, it isn't a choice thing. Feelings aren't meant to be controlled, they just are what they are. You control behaviour, not feelings. Are you both trying to convince yourselves that he loves you perhaps?

CuriousMama Fri 09-Nov-12 16:18:51

Did you hint you may be in love with him? Just seems a funny thing for him to come out with? Unless he's 16? wink

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