anyone got any ideas? In brief dh, though entirely lovely, is the less favoured sibling. This dates back to childhood, his dad with very strong ideas on everything and his mum with depression issues. They don't love me but make an effort of sorts. We call plenty, visit often (but never enough or for long enough...) they rarely visit and call infrequently.
We long ago agreed to do what we were happy with, to behave well and to try and build on the good stuff. The inlaws are unhappy, damaged but not horrid. They can be kind and generous but can't communicate at all. Any minor effort to see if there is a problem means no calls or visits for months. There are generations of issues that have been ignored this way.
We have new baby number four, they have visited once in three weeks and not called since. In this time they have been frequently with their other son and grandchild. Dh is upset at the preference they have for our eldest over our others and more so again at the lack of contact after the birth of this baby. I hoped their enthusiasm for babies would compensate for their lack of interest/help in the difficult pregnancy. Annoyingly they talk help and enthusiasm to everyone but us, any offers are withdrawn or forgotten. I feel angry that they just don't seem to love dh that much and don't know where to go next. It feels like it will drift without huge effort from us, they haven't replied to emailed photos. I calked last and invited them back up, travel is no issue and we have school runs etc.
Are we doing too much or not enough?
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How to deal with inlaws and their attitude to dh, children...
threeinone · 07/11/2012 15:04
We have similar issues, and I can't add to what everyone else says. The hard part I find is that I also want to set my dcs a good example for when we are older. I worry how we might get treated if they think GPS are people you only see v infrequently 
. It's hard trying to make sure HDTV and I never discuss out frustrations in front of the dcs, especially as they get older.
The only thing I think is sad is when the DC see the favouritism first hand, if we go to visit IL's everyone gets together. It's been noticeable since the eldest DGC's were newborn ours were never cradled like the others, they still don't get the affectionate hair tousling or cuddles the others do. By the way ours are nice kids and they don't smell or anything 
I suppose it might mean we have to start avoiding these visits as that's part of the comment DS1 made about MIL. To be honest though it feels like the whole family only bother with them out of obligation.
I honestly think she doesn't realise how much he understands. He's quite different to the her other DGC's. DS1 has asked her directly himself about relationship with other DGC's which was heartbreaking to witness, but she either didn't hear or pretended not to hear. It's a tactic she uses frequently with me too when I try to make conversation. DS1 has asked me in the past but I've tried to make excuses, clearly I haven't done a great job.
We do have distance 
but my family are further and visit more often and for much longer. But you right gives us an excuse. All the best to you too and everyone else with the same problems! 
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I pointed out my observations to mine too. She just made it out to be my problem 
Thanks for this thread threeinone. It isn't you, it's them. From your posts, I get the feeling you know that. So make your choices; put up with what you will put up with, and ditch the rest. You can view contact as a certain kind of process that has a beginning/middle/end and then leave it until next time (like going to the dentist). It certainly is not worth any anxiety/brain space/loss of sleep, is it? You can teach your lo to be polite in the face of rudeness (politely detaching) which is an important life skill. "I don't deserve to be treated this way" is something even a 4yo can understand and act on.
Same here. Although dh was/is (even at 50+yrs old) the "favorite" child, I guess I was devil incarnate for marrying him. We have a 500+ mile buffer though, which I am thankful for.
My dm died when I was 18 and I thanked God for the second chance to have a mother. Such irony. Such a fool I was. Knowing I had precious little help (father and sister- not local), she visited for 3 hours 5 months after my first child was born. Didn't bother with the second.
Whenever I called to try to have a connection with her, she'd answer the phone with, "Oh, it's you".
V
Anyway, I came to the policy of letting dh manage all contact/arrangements with them. As the ils are getting old/infirm, I have to go for a week later this month for (our) Thanksgiving...(I will get alot of x-stitch done and be entertained by our sarcastic teen who sees the dynamics clearly and won't be cowed into silence! ) It is temporary, and my counsellor (counselling does help!) says the visit will be what I make of it: ie my attitude is my responsibility. So I will also tour the lovely parks in their area and get my walking in without fail.
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