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Really lost and confused

(15 Posts)
RapunzelLetDownYourHair Mon 05-Nov-12 17:05:45

Long time lurker here. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, but I really don't know what to do.

If you recognise me from RL, then...Hello, I guess?

Been with DH for 6 years, 2 DC, 1&3yrs.
I have depression and anxiety and am on ADs for this, was working well, not so much now.

Me and DH argue like cats and dogs. He thinks I am lazy, untidy and do not treat our home with respect. Our home is not spotless, but not a hovel or a 'crack den' like he says it is. DH works very long hours and often comes home exhausted extremely late, whereupon he gets angry about the fact that our kitchen is a bit cluttered, he claims he cannot use it in that state so won't make himself anything to eat.
When I try to talk to him about things seriously, he won't answer me. It is infuriating.
I am a SAHM, with absolutely no financial independence. I have about £4 left of my overdraft, with no chance of extending it.

I'm sure I am no picnic to live with either. My MH problems are at crisis point at the moment, and if I wasn't too scared to take an overdose (in case it doesn't work) then I would.

I want to leave, without the DC. He is calmer and more practical than I am, he has savings, has ambitions and can drive. I have nothing, including no where to live with them both. He would remain in the home with them, I would leave.
Today he said maybe we should think about seperating, I called his bluff and walked out and went to see a friend. I am now back at our home, he is at work, DCs at his family's.
He won't go to counselling, he won't tell me whether he wants to work on our marriage or divorce, he won't discuss is with any finality.

I, quite frankly, wish I was dead.

B1ueberryJam Mon 05-Nov-12 17:13:57

That's very sad. Being a SAHM is very hard and it's particularly hard when an unsupportive and worse critical partner comes home casting a judgemental eye over everything. I know, my x used to think he was living in a hotel hmm he would expect that level of perfection, and I was expected to offer up interesting meals. If it was a chicken dish he might comment that we had chicken the day before yesterday. He was a nightmare.

Think carefully about leaving your children. Would he fight you for residency? on the other hand, I don't know why mothers always have to be the ones who do all the hard work if that's not what they want. I think now I could have been very happy doing 50% of the childcare but it wasn't to be, I do 100% of it. Funnily enough my x was also critical of the way I looked after the children.

One question though, if he's so calm why can't he suck up a bit of normal household clutter. He's 'calmly' letting you know that he's irritated. It doesn't sound all that laid back to me. He may not shout but he's critical.

And yet, HE is the one who won't discuss CHANGE. so on one level is he happy the way things are, everything done for him. It sounds to me like he is resisting change and YOU are actually at a cross roads and want/need changes.

Don't wish that you're dead sad things can change. children grow up. husbands can be taken out of hte equation and then you can eat pot noodle on the sofa if yall want to wink I can't tell you how much easier my life is now that I'm not conforming to a perfectionist's high standards. ANd I'm no slouch! the house is a bit cluttered but not dirty and I'm a GOOD cook, even if I didn't provide enough 'variety'. geeez don't miss that shit!

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Mon 05-Nov-12 17:20:01

He's critical of the way I handle our DC, because I don't do enough with them, I feel very detached from everything. They are clean, happy and well fed, but I don't take them to loads of activities like I used to.

He's not quietly critical, he does often shout about things, and I used to ignore him/leave him to it, but I lost it this weekend and screamed back at him.

He would go for residency, I wouldn't fight him on it.

BalloonSlayer Mon 05-Nov-12 18:23:05

PLEASE got to your GP and tell them what is going on. I feel for you so much sad

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Mon 05-Nov-12 18:39:48

PLEASE PLEASE make an appointment to see your GP straight away. You need to get your AD dosage sorted out. Ask for an urgent referral to see a psychiatrist while you are there.

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Mon 05-Nov-12 18:44:40

Do you have any one you can talk to in RL? Friends? Family? It sounds like your DH is a emotional and financial abuser but I can't offer advice on that front but I'm sure someone will come along soon who can. I really feel for you, and I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

RapunzelLetDownYourHair Mon 05-Nov-12 18:49:28

He's not FA, we have a joint credit card that I have full access to,
no questions asked, but if I left, I wouldn't be able
to use it (and for good reason).

I have been to my GP and i have had my ADs upped and upped but
it hasn't done any good. On the waiting list for CBT but haven't recieved any other therapy etc. Considered going
to a&e and saying "help, I'm a nutter" but what could they do????

B1ueberryJam Mon 05-Nov-12 18:52:05

He doesn't sound that calm really. I see parallels between him and my x. My x would have considered himself very composed and controlled too. I was the only person who annoyed him. He only got angry with me hmm

Could you cope with your children if you weren't being criticised and expected to conform to his high standards all the time??

I second the pp. Go and see your GP and tell them exactly what you've told us, that you have lost enthusiasm for life, that you husband won't tell you whether he wants to work on the marriage or split up, and taht he would fight you for residency.

Ginshizz Mon 05-Nov-12 18:53:37

OP I am afraid I don't have any practical advice but I wanted to echo what PPs have said: please go to your GP and get some help.

You say you are having a tough time with your MH and the meds not working as well as they used to. This is bound to skew your view of things and it would be awful to agree to things now - like separating and allowing your H to have the kids - and to regret it once you are feeling better.

It sounds like your H is behaving very badly towards you when you are very vulnerable. The criticism and crazy expectations are not what you need right now; if he can't be supportive and constructive then you need to be around people who can be.

Please remember that there is help out there to improve how you are feeling and don't let him exhaust you to the point where you can't stick up for yourself.

Take care of yourself xxxx

BalloonSlayer Mon 05-Nov-12 21:59:52

there is a difference between going to the GP and saying "I don't think my meds are working," and saying "my husband wants to separate because he says I leave the kitchen in a mess and he says he will go for residency and I won't fight him."

Have you actually said the second one to your GP?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 06-Nov-12 01:04:43

You've had fab advice here.

One question i would ask him (this worked on my ex, his face was a picture)

'So how do YOU know what a crack den looks like then? Been in one lately?'

Then flounce. Childish but effective

thetrackisback Tue 06-Nov-12 07:06:25

You sound very depressed to me and I do think you need extra support. I wonder if you need to be assessed by a psychiatrist?

Ginshizz Tue 06-Nov-12 20:17:38


Just checking in to say I hope you are doing ok today


mommabee Tue 06-Nov-12 20:28:35

Op I'm so sorry you feel this way but please seek some help see your GP they should be able to alter your medication if you feel this low. Your other half sounds very unsympathetic and a bit of a dick quite frankly!
You sound like you look after your children really well! Maybe without him around you'd feel better about being a mum and want your dc's with you? I understand the financial issue though

Viviennemary Tue 06-Nov-12 20:36:57

The situation sounds really bad for both of you. It's difficult for you with two children as young as yours are.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to walk out and leave your DH to it. And it isn't fair of him to be complaining all the time when you are finding it so hard to cope. And if he stayed at home and you left the DC's with him who would look after them while he goes to work. Couldn't you come to some compromise where you both get the house reasonable straight at the weekend and then you wouldn't have so much to do through the week though it's hard to keep tidy when your DC's are so small.

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