I have just separated. It's been rough. We were under the same roof for eight months and I moved out nearly a fortnight ago.
Our relationship wasn't based on happy friendship and got more and more distant. But we still functioned really well together as parents to our wonderful children.
Dh didn't want to split under any circumstances. He is quite passive aggressive and I feared taking the step. That makes it sound as if I wasn't in the same position as you, and maybe I wasn't. But I did feel as if with work on both sides and maybe counselling we could have regained the friendship.
But would that have been enough? I honestly don't think so. Since dh and I agreed to separate, I had a fling with an unhappy man in a similar situation. Neither of us was in love with the other, but we were sexually compatible and enjoyed the intimacy that had been missing for both of us for so long.
It feels as if so much in society is so sexualised now, and sex is such a cheap, mechanistic thing in the 21st century. The brief relationship I had wasn't about that kind of sex - it wasn't goal oriented, scratching an itch. We didn't love each other, but it was nevertheless very powerful. We were both checking out of marriages that had been devoid of intimacy and connection for a long time and we came together at the same point. We didn't have porny, goal-oriented sex.
It was very close, affectionate and really magical. I found it a revelation to have this experience with someone with whom I had no deep emotional bond. Perhaps it was a product of our mutual 'starvation'. But nonetheless it made me realise that this is something I need.
I couldn't imagine being able to find that again with dh. We could have got everything else acceptable, but I found the idea of sexual intimacy with him abhorrent and couldn't see a way past that.
I feel ashamed to say it, but that was the single thing that tipped me from beating myself up about my relationship ending to realising that it was an inevitable thing that I had to follow through despite the consequences.
It's not as simple as destroying a family to pursue a sexual life. It's more that it made me realise that not being able to connect with another person physically, being able to enjoy affection, warmth, closeness, is a starvation that denies us as humans something essential to personal wellbeing. That's not to say that this trumps the security of the family unit, so I get the argument for staying in a relationship where everything works apart from sex.
But having had that experience, I felt more reconciled to my decision. I am living alone now, apart from when dc are with me and I feel so much more comfortable sleeping alone in my bed than sharing it with a familiar stranger, whose touch would repel me.
I'm not quite sure what I am trying to say here. I've had a few glasses of wine and am losing track a bit of my own train of thought.
Maybe the point is that sharing a bed with someone you don't want to reach out to, to get close to, to melt into is the most soul-destroying experience on the planet.
And the longer it goes on, the more you feel your soul shrink.
Whether that is a more important consideration than sticking to societal norms, maintaining a stable and conventional family unit - whether sacrificing personal needs and desires for the sake of others is the right way to live, I couldn't say.
I am still working it out for myself and it will take a while to to do this I think. What I know is that I couldn't do it any more. And I will have to see where I end up as a consequence.
There is more than one way to skin a cat. Some people cope with this issue of losing sexual feelings for their partner by staying with that person and having relationships outside. If you can do this openly, both accepting the situation, this seems an acceptable solution. Though there are inherent risks, because enjoying sex with someone else makes you vulnerable to emotional involvement and inability to maintain the status quo.
Some people have 'outside' relationships secretly. This is I think, as soul-destroying as living in a sexless relationship is itself, because living with deceit and the guilt this entails is very damaging.
I would advise anyone in a relationship where any desire for sex with the partner has gone to consider carefully if this can be revived. Honestly, that is the ideal solution and should be pursued where at all possible.
Breaking up, especially when children are part of the equation, is absolutely horrible. Worse than I imagined and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
You have to balance the horror of separation with your own needs and work out what is the right thing. It's very difficult, and there are many threads on here that testify to that.
Sorry, long rant, thinking aloud, but no answers.
I can only say that for myself, I couldn't face another forty years or so of life without feeling close to another person and the things I have done have confirmed this.