I need your views. I'm not sure if I'm being unfair or even irrational. I don't know anymore.
Long story... mum and I jointly owned a house which my husband and I brought her out of after a series of arguments. Mum and I had always lived together (I am early 30s). She is quite aggressive at times although this is completely hidden from dc (she is a special needs teacher!!) and drinks too much and has 3 unruly dogs that aren't aggressive but are completely untrained and jump all over everyone. We have (mum and I) always had a close relationship. We have supported each other through divorce (mine and hers) and also my grans terminal cancer who died at home with us about ten years ago.
When I met my dh things between mum and I had become strained. I think I was just growing more independent and also I went from working full time to part time and we were around each other more and it wasn't working. Gradually my dh moved in with us all but mum didn't like dh for no good reason really (she just seemed to think I should beon my own forever and loves to get involved in my love life). They kept clashing and so we all decided mum should buy a smaller house and we effectively brought her house for her by remotagaing this one for the market value of her new home.
Since then it's all gone very strained. I realise now that mums motivation for living with me was because she wants me to care for her when she is old like she did with my gran. I do not want to do this. It nearly killed me emotionally with gran and whilst I am prepared to become a carer or deeply involved in her care I do not want her at home withme or putting the dc through that. If that makes me selfish so be it. She has told me I am selfish.
My mum has blamed everything on dh more or less because he is a man. She has had some disastrous relationships so therefore all men are bastards. In her eyes. I have told her it is not downto dh that we are not living together and she says she understands but it is very clear that she hates dh. She will hardly look or talk to him if she comes round.
And then.... I go and have a son. Who is wonderful. And a joy in that both dh and I have fertility problems but conceived naturally. But of course he is a boy and I have picked up that although my mum goo goos over him sometimes she doesn't seem that keen to spend any real time with him at all. Dd age 9 is a different story. Of course mum brought dd up with me and I understand that but I'm beginning to wonder how to deal with it. I'm worried that as ds grows up he will feel inferior and left out.
For example this week my dd has spent the week with her dad on a special trip. I have not seen my mum once despite me suggesting maybe her coming here or me visiting there. She says ok and then cancels at the last min saying she's got housework to do or needs to sleep. When dd is here she will come round almost every day. Or take dd for coffee or whatever else. I suggest a day out or cafe trip with me and ds and mum isn't interested.
We live walking distance from each other away by the way.
Dd is back this weekend and mum is already asking when she's back etc but she's already cancelled seeing me and ds today when I purposefully went shopping earlier in the day to work around visiting.
It's becoming clear she can't be bothered if it's me and ds so what do i do? Dd is very close to her so I can't upset her by making contact less can I? But I don't think the favouritism is fair. If I say anything she will say I'm being daft or say it's because I don't want ds near the dogs (which is an issue but she is always welcome here or I will bring him to hers if she locks the dogs in the kitchen for a short time... I'd only be there about an hour at most, she isn't happy to do this and thinks I am being silly).
Sorry. So bloody long.
Tell me what you think. It's a mess isn't it..
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sexist mum can't be bothered with baby ds and is only interested in much older dd... what would you do? complicated.
11 replies
Fairylea · 02/11/2012 18:02
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