Dp totally flipped out, says it's my fault?

[snowflakesoutside]

Yesterday evening, normal enough we're watching tv and looking on net for a nice recipe for the weekend.

Then I started to show him a toy castle which I wanted us to get for ds, he looks and nods, doesn't seem too interested. Says Christmas is ages away anyway, and we'd be better of just looking in Toys R Us at the weekend. So I say that perhaps, but this ones on offer and Toys R Us can be expensive, then go and find the same one there and show him. Then he says "what does it do anyway, does it have a lift or anything or else what's he going to do just look at it?". By this point I'm bemused and point out that if it was a dolls house he wouldn't be saying that and how kids don't need a toy to be all singing all dancing to play they'll make their own game.

It went on for another few minutes with me then showing him another toy ans asking what he thought about that and he just snapped saying he wasn't interested right now and just wants to relax and to just forget it, I snapped back asking what's up with him tonight and he's being a bit selfish to which he told me to fuck off and threw the tv remote hard across the room at the table so the back came off and the batteries flew out, also knocked the vase off the table and water all up the wall, and bounced off the table smashing ds's digger in two. Then he stormed out, I went after him asking what the hells up with him and can he go and pick up the mess. I was standing in the hall in front of the front door and he grabbed me by the wrists to drag me out of the way. He grabbed me so hard that afterwards me wrists were red raw and I have a small bruise today and he stormed out.

He came back in afterwards and just blamed me. He said I pushed him too far, and that if I hadn't tried to stop him going out he wouldn't have hurt my arms. All he kept saying is he hadn't done anything wrong and I kept on at him when all he wanted to do was relax and watch tv. Then he softened and did apologise and said he was tired. But it wasn't until later on that he really aknowledged he'd even done anything wrong and even then he said I was pushing him too far.

I didn't even realise until this morning that ds digger had smashed and had to lie to ds who spotted it straight away and say I must have stood on it by accident. The remotes also broke now and the back won't clip on properly.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Hi, snowflake. Glad you re-posted in Relationships. You might want to give a bit of background as well because I know from your thread in AIBU that there is other stuff.

[LFCisTarkaDahl]

Well i think you've both acted appallingly.

He wasn't interested, that was obvious from the start - you should have left it instead you called him selfish.

You shouldn't have followed him out the room either and blocked the door.

He shouldn't have been aggressive by throwing the remote and he shouldn't have grabbed your wrists.

You both have terrible boundaries and have poor conflict resolution skills.

You need ground rules. No blocking, no grabbing, no throwing stuff you're not prepared to clean up, break something and you're solely responsible for replacing it. And no name calling (yes, calling someone selfish out the blue is name calling).

[snowflakesoutside]

I did initially post in aibu but was advised to post here. Basically I've got a 5 year old ds and been with dp since he was 6mo old so not ds dad and don't live together.

I've copied and pasted my op from aibu but feel I may have given the impression that I was blocking the exit for angry dp, just to clarify, I followed him out into the hallway after he threw the tv remote as I was annoyed and wanted him to come back to explain himself/clear up the mess, I feel that there was no need to hurt me in trying to get past.

I realise I could be perceived as nagging/badgering dp about the toy and probably was but this lack of interest in things is a bit of a bugbear for me in general as I feel he often lacks interest in things that don't directly effect him.

This isn't the first time he has thrown things/stormed off although it's the first time he's hurt me or caused damage. He often storms out only to return later and sulk that I didn't go after him or stop him from going so I'm never quite sure what he wants.

Hope that makes a bit more sense, it's hard trying to fit everything in to a first post, and tired now so off to bed and will read any replies tomorrow.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Night snowflake.

[Inadeeptrance]

I'm glad you've reposted here snowflake. And if one more person tells you that you are in the wrong as well, I may actually spontaneously combust. Please ignore them, I'm sure if they were assaulted in that way for the most trivial of reasons by a stranger they wouldn't see it that way. It is NEVER ok to behave like that, even if someone is actively provoking you, which you were not. Contact Women's Aid, they will also tell you that there is NEVER an excuse for this sort of behaviour and that it is abuse.

I advise getting hold of the Lundy Bancroft book, "why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling men". It will help you understand why the people who say you are somehow at fault as well are talking complete shit.

Get as much help and information about abusive relationships as you can, arm yourself with knowledge. You don't have to put up with this, you are right to expect respect from your partner. Don't let the DV apologists tell you otherwise.

[Nicolasix]

Snowflake, I agree with InaDeepTrance. He behaved disgracefully. It is not your fault. He crossed a line and nothing can excuse that, stats say he'll do it again.You deserve better, what do you want to do next?

You sound great, what are your instincts?

[CogitoErgoSparklers]

If it's not the first time he's thrown things or stormed off then he sounds like a very aggressive/violent character. I would ask how your relationship works normally. Can you disagree without it turning into a row or do you tend to avoid certain subjects? Are you conscious of always being the one to apologise and back down in an argument or is it more equal? When something goes wrong would you expect support and tolerance or shouting and blame?

Violence only ever escalates. Verbal abuse one day turns into throwing things the next. Throwing things turns into physical violence. Etc. Think about what your DD is learning about adult relationships if you are her role model. Personally, I'd make him stay somewhere else for a few days.... let him think about how he's behaved and let you think about your future.

[MrsPnut]

It isn't your fault and he is being abusive towards you. Every time he throws something he is showing you that the violence could be directed at you. I would agree with contacting Women's aid, they are very supportive and usually run the freedom programme which is a fantastic course.

He chooses how to behave, and you do not cause his outbursts. As an adult you have to take responsibility for what you do, blaming someone else is what children do.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Mr_wrong_and_Mr_right.html is always a handy reminder of what you should expect from a partner.

[pictish]

He's pretty much trying to force you to accept his abysmal behaviour, by making you take responsibility for it. What a shitehawk.

[Proudnscary]

Hi - just to let everyone know that this thread was posted in AIBU. OP I'm glad you posted in here as I and others advised though it might have been better to have it moved rather than started again as you posted lots more info over there and had pages of responses. Can you ask MNHQ to move it over or did you want to 'start again'?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

His behaviour, his responsibility.

He is the only person in control of his words and actions.

"It's your fault, you made me angry" is the abuser's favourite excuse. It is bullshit.

Read this.

[Lueji]

I have lost it before when being pestered, and I considered it ex's fault.
But, it was after him going on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and after I asked him 100 times to stop it.
Losing it didn't involved destroying half of the living room in the process.

Anyone defending this man raises red flags to me.

Your OH was awful.
He didn't have to smash things and he didn't have to hurt you.

If what you did is pushing him too far, then I'd stop pushing him at all. In fact, I suspect you will be better off showing him the door.
At the very least, make it very clear to him that you will not put up with any such crap in the future.
It's his behaviour and if he can't control himself within such a normal situation then he better leave.

[Lueji]

Sorry, I missed the part where you don't live together and he's not your DC's father.

Then it's so easy! End it now.

[WineGoggles]

Sounds to me like he was already in a mood (with you perhaps?) before you first asked him to look at the toy, and got arsey because he didn't want to interact. Was he watching a favourite programme on TV or something? In that case all he had to do was ask you civilly to bookmark the toy so you could discuss it a bit later when he had a chance to relax. Stroppy git.