Is my husband ever going to be happy?

[balroymum]

I'll try not to make this too long as don't want to bore any potential help! We're in our late 30's, been together for 18 years and married for 11. So far, so good- well great actually. Hummed and hahed about kids then finally got round to it. On reflection, I was probably more up for it than him at the time but it hadn't always been that way. Our DD is now nearly 2 and I'm not just saying this to brag, but she is sooooo easy. Fab sleeper, no tantrums, great little eater, chatty and kind, loves nursery.... but he admitted today that he still harbours resentment towards me for 'making' him have a child. We did have a bumpy start- convinced he was depressed but now I wonder if he is just genuinely unhappy. I feel so hurt and confused as he really is great with DD - a brilliant dad. I love him but am so tired of trying to make him happy. I think I might be starting to feel a bit cross too. I just want a happy family. Will he ever be happy? Does anyone have any similar experiences they can share with me? Any ideas about what to do next? Thanks so much.

[cestlavielife]

you cannot make him happy.
only he can choose to be happy - or seek help.

[Shakey1500]

Was it an "in depth" conversation today or more of a comment? Because it sounds like a proper conversation is needed. It's great you say he's a good Dad, that speaks for a lot. Is there more going on in his life like stress at work? Any physical health issues/worries?

Obviously he's wrong in using the phrase that "you made him have a child", he was an equal partner in that. How's the relationship anyway? Is he a great partner too? Helpful? Supportive?

For what it's worth, my DH really wasn't "there" when DS was a baby, he's 5 now (Ds not Dh ) Simply because he felt useless, hadn't a cue how to handle a baby/toddler. Tried his best but it didn't come naturally or easy for him (nor me either but that's another story). He floundered a lot. Now that DS is older, DH is great. He just felt overwhelmed in the early years.

[balroymum]

You're right cestlavielife. Perhaps I needed someone to tell me that. I have suggested Relate but he's not keen. Today after the third 'blow up' in 5 days I suggested it again as nothing else is working. He's still reluctant. Should I make an appt?

[mutny]

Why have you ruled out depression?

It sounds like it possibly is. However he needs to get help. He can't be miserable forever. That attitude will destroy your marriage and any relationship with dd.

If you go to couples counselling be prepared for his memory of the conversation about having kids to be very different to yours and his perception of 'how easy dd is'. Even if he is wrong, just be prepared that he may view things very differently.

[balroymum]

Thanks everyone. Sorry about delay. At zumba. It's interesting to read about your DH Shakey. Really hope that my DH is just struggling with the early years too. To answer your questions- he's really supportive to me. I work full time in a demanding job and he has always been proud of his ambitious wife. No health/career worries. This is why this is so confusing- I know him far too well for him to be able to pretend he is happy. He us happy most of the time but I'm always on guard because I know that at some point he will become withdrawn, sullen then just lose it over the slightest thing. This has been happening a lot lately- almost every week for the last month or two. He then apologises, gets upset and does lovely things like flowers, cards, movie nights. What is going on?! This week I've cried almost every day. So tired of it all.

[cerealqueen]

Tell him what you just wrote in your last post. I must be hell treading on eggshells, I feel for you.

[balroymum]

Thanks cerealqueen. Took your advice. He says he will go to relate or similar but apart from that said very little. Doesn't seem bothered at all. He has shut down on me again. I feel like screaming/smashing something but I just carry on being patient with him. I am on half term and he is off work tomorrow- very nervous about this. Have said that he can do something on his own if he wants but really I want us all to do something fun together. We are going away for the weekend (!?) whilst DD stays at GP's. What the hell will that be like? Can we patch this up until we get help? This is a nightmare.

[CogitoEerilySpooky]

My opinion is that this has nothing to do with your DD. He resents you.... that's what he's telling you. Life is not going how he planned and he blames you for it, rightly or wrongly. Do you tend to be the more go-ahead of the two of you? Do you initiate big decisions? Could he feel that he's a passenger rather than in the driving seat of his life? Get together at a young age and it wouldn't be unusual for someone to believe they've missed out on something.

[balroymum]

I hadn't thought of it like that Cogito. That's a pretty terrifying thought. Why should he resent me apart from over the DD? I'm trying to think if this could be the problem but to be honest we haven't really had any big decisions to make for a long time - settled in jobs/home, he picks cars. Although perhaps he resents how calm I am?! He has said before that I sometimes make him feel a but inadequate because I don't get agitated over things but it's just not in my nature to lose my temper - plus, it doesn't actually help!

This morning he has agreed to see the GP about his anxiety and will go to couples' counselling. He's not v. enthusiastic and I will need to make the appts. It might help if I could talk to him first about what to expect at couples' counselling- anyone have some top tips for me? Thanks for all of the advice so far- really making me think.

[nkf]

Possibilities include depression, disappointment, work anxieties and am affair. That would be my thoughts.

[balroymum]

Am I really thick? Hadn't even thought of an affair.