So, it looks like my 3 year relationship with DP has come to an end. Throughout the 3 years there have been some serious issues, which have stood in the way of him moving in with me and the DCs - largely his concerns about feeling he had to "fit in" with my life rather than having his own. This was largely down to me having 2 DCs and him not having any. He became a part of the DCs' lives and naturally, the timing of our social arrangements and what we did together tended to be determined by when the DCs were at home and when they were with their dad. Often I couldn't go to "his" things because of the DCs, e.g. DD's birthday party was arranged, subsequently DP's mother's 60th was arranged for the same day. So I couldn't go to his mum's party as was holding DD's party.
Whenever the future was discussed he would always bring up this thing about having to accommodate his life to mine and me not having to do the same. So some time ago I suggested we both move to a new place together - so that we'd both be starting somewhere "new" rather than him just having to slot into my house and mine and the DCs' lives. He's got to know all my friends and family - I don't really do anything without him. In contrast although I have met his family and one or two friends, generally if he sees them he goes alone - usually because things are arranged when I can't go because of the DCs.
I really wanted us to be a family unit. The DCs wanted him to move in as well. He didn't want to move somewhere new together when I suggested it, so nothing happened. Then he decided to buy his own place, which he's just done. We had a big talk last night about why he felt the need to do this, and he trotted out the same stuff about needing something "just his" and not wanting to "sacrifice my life to yours". [Which I thought rather extreme.] Said he was passing time with me and "waiting to see what happens" because at the moment (and throughout the relationship) he feels too uncertain about our future to make a step like moving in.
That's the short version - there's loads more but it all boils down to him not really being sure about the relationship because he isn't my no.1 concern (the DCs are) and life with me is always subject to considering the DCs. I can't change this so it seems as though the sensible thing is for us to part. But I will really miss him. So will the DCs. It makes me feel so sad. All my previous relationships have ended dramatically with bad behaviour (infidelilty etc), so I've never struggled with when things are over. But this time I just keep wondering if I'm giving up too easily. And I don't know how to adjust myself mentally to not being together any more, when I have been happy with him and always hoped we would end up together. I think though that when someone tells you they're just passing time to see what happens, after 3 years together (and we are both late 30s), he's unlikely to suddenly wake up one day and think "I can't be without her!" Right? Or AIBU?
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Relationships
Am I flogging a dead horse?
Aethra · 29/10/2012 15:06
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