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Surviving the early days of separation ... help!

10 replies

Twimpo · 26/10/2012 20:30

How did everyone else get through the early days? My hubby is leaving me and everyone around me is being as supportive as they can (bearing in mind they all have lives of their own and are probably just grateful it's not them) ... but i'm really struggling. We have 3 kids and if one more person tells me I have to focus on them I will scream. I am doing nothing but thinking of them, and trying to work out how to help them through it. But how do I help me? I feel like running away, like I am suffocating, like I can't do it. I don't want to be on my own, this isn't my choice. How do I get through this? Help me please?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2012 20:45

You need friends/family, a full diary and plenty of , and tissues. This is the time to ask for help from others, even if that's not the normal way you operate... they will need you one day. Get your friends/family to look after the DCs occasionally and just go back to bed or take a long walk or something. Or invite the friends round for the evening, put the DCs to bed and put the world to rights over the . The full diary can be anything you like just as long as you're busy and not allowing yourself too much time to dwell on the past. One day at a time.

Other than that... in the same way as in a bereavement, it can help to focus on practical, relatively unemotional stuff like paperwork and dealing with legal matters. Can give you a sense of progress when the rest of the time you're struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Good luck

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rightchoice2 · 26/10/2012 21:00

So sorry you are suffering. It helps to find a good role model, do you know anyone you look up to and admire after going through something similar? My early days were a fog, but I remember thinking I need to find out who I am and what I want. I knew I could no longer have what I had, and had to focus on what I was left with and that empty space gradually got filled with new and exciting things. I challenged myself to do the things I never could as a couple. I decided to taste the freedom that was forced on me, to experiment with it. Friends were important, but most of them were married so I made new ones. I said yes to everything that came my way, because I could, and I did things on days that used to be no go days, because I could. Now....I wouldn't swap my freedom for the world, but in the early days freedom seemed like a sentence rather than a pleasure. Discover who you are, just who YOU are, you may end up looking forward - no you will end up looking forward - I promise!!

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Binky55 · 26/10/2012 21:25

The same thing happened to me not that long ago (June) & I now feel I've turned a corner. I understand that u want some time on your own to clear your head so if it's at all possible get someone to look after the kids even if it's only for a few hours & go out for a long walk. I know it's a cliche but give yourself time & allow yourself to grieve. You will get there I promise.

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50shadesofgreyhair · 26/10/2012 21:37

Twimpo - there's no easy answer. You have to go through all the horrible early days, and just cope as best you can. I threw my ex out, after doing all I could do to save our marriage. I threw him out to save my sanity and keep myself strong for our 4 kids. The first few weeks are hell, and all I can say is be as kind to yourself as you can. Don't think too far ahead, and lean on people as much as you can. Take it a day at a time, and accept that you will feel lousy, and that you are going through bereavement and all its stages. If you can detach from yourself and see that you are going through grief, anger, rage, sadness, etc., you can just ride it all out. I wish I had a magic wand. All I can say, is that it passes. You will recover. There are many of us who will hold your hand, because we know how you feel right now. So lean on us.

Saffysmum x

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Dryjuice25 · 26/10/2012 21:53

I asked him to leave when I was pregnant and have never been happier. I have 3dcs too.

We share child care 50:50, although I have my infant ds all the time for now. I get by listening to my favourite radio programs, music and my local library is a lifeline. Talk to rl friends too they will support you in different ways.

If you have small dcs, look out for sure start centres around you. I met some lovely mums at mine. I also go for long walks and we eat good food prepared by the whole family from scatch. Soon you'll get used to your new life. Take this opportunity to concentrate on YOU ......and the dcs

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Twimpo · 27/10/2012 10:00

Thank you for all your lovely messages. I am so glad I found MN . I think I need to start my diet/healthy eating plan on Monday morning. I think if I look better, I will feel better about myself. I have been having a glass or 2 of wine almost every night this week, but i'm not much of a drinker and it just makes me feel like crap when I wake in the morning, so I think doing something healthy is maybe the way for me to go. I am dreading the part when he actually leaves, but also in a perverse way, it's the bit i'm looking forward to as I will be free and can start planning my future. It's just difficult to get on with your life, when the cause of all your pain is sat in the room with you. Plus we haven't spoken a word to each other in 2 weeks which isn't easy!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2012 10:17

Get him out of the house for a start. I assumed he had gone, sorry. You really can't hope to get on with anything at all while he's still hanging around like a bad smell.

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Twimpo · 27/10/2012 10:52

Believe me ... i'm trying, but that was a whole other thread! I know some people have suggested I change the locks, but I have 3 kids in the house who are my first priority and locking daddy out would just be damaging for them to see. They know he is leaving and I even suggested that they could help daddy choose his flat! My next move is to register with some estate agents and get property rentals both emailed and posted out to him. This will be typical of how lazy he is ... he wants to leave but it will be me who ends up finding the flat. I won't start ranting about him as I have nothing but hatred for him and my ranting is just winding me up!

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50shadesofgreyhair · 27/10/2012 15:36

No No No Twimpo and a thousand times NO!!! You do not find a flat for him. It's not your issue. "He wants to leave" you say. Good. Then tell him to go. Now, today. Just tell him! He can stay on a friend's sofa, in a B&B, anywhere but with you. You can't live like this and you can't 'help' him move on. Just get rid, and focus on you and the kids. Believe me, mum and dad not talking for two weeks is damaging for the kids as well as you.

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Twimpo · 27/10/2012 15:42

I know you are right, but I can't see any other way of getting rid of him! I have told him to go ... NOW! That was on Monday night ... but he's still sat there. I have told him I can't stand to look at him, that the very sight of him makes me want to vomit. To which he did all that victim look he puts on saying, yes i'll go now .. and then just SITS there until he makes me want to attack him! I know everyone is right that he needs to go, but as ridiculous as it sounds ... I don't know how to do it without causing a scene with the kids as they are always here when he is. It is their birthday next week and they want him here for that ... it's a bloody nightmare!