Divorce initiated - hand-holding needed

[NameChangingNelly]

This is for a friend (yes I know that's what a troll would say etc), but she's a regular MNer who is really wrung out. She just said that she wanted to know what MN might say, but just couldn't find the energy to post... so I said I'd do it for her. I probably can't answer any questions about the detail, but maybe she'll pop up when she's feeling stronger & hopefully encouraged.

She's just initiated divorce proceedings, having seen a solicitor earlier this week. Her partner has been in her life for most of her adult life and they have DCs together. She's been increasingly unhappy over the last few years, but lately has got to the point where she never goes out and her life has basically become work, housework, and being a mum. She's lost confidence in herself and feels that he plays on this and is cruel about her. I think it's given him a shock that she's initiated this, as he perhaps thought that he was the one in charge.

I'm not sure what MNers can do with this second-hand info, but I think she'd really like to hear from anyone who knows what it's like to go through those first difficult weeks when it's become apparent that it's definitely over, but lots of details and practicalities need straightening out.

Help her to hold her courage please, everyone, she is too emotional and tired to post right now, but she will be reading, so all messages, opinions and "I've been there"-s will help her to feel less alone and confused...

[Bellie]

I'm in too. Nisi granted about 6 weeks ago now - still no closer to the end though as financials are taking forever. STBEX is dragging is feet on absolutely everything.
Not contesting the children (so sorry to hear Belgianbun must be heartwrenching ), but he is being very difficult about them - often away on business so they don't know if they are coming or going. His first thought on coming home after a month away - I'll go and see the OW rather than see if I can see my children .
On practicalities - copies of all paperwork that she can Namechanging, your friend will need them for the forms that need completing. Contact council if 'd'h has moved out - she can now claim a reduction for single adult status.
Sounds like she has a good friend in you - make sure you are ready for the ups and downs. 9 months in and I still have down days - friends are the most important thing that keeps you sane!

[Anniegetyourgun]

Been there a few years ago. Living in the same house with someone you're divorcing is shit. She has my sympathy.

Olgaga will doubtless be along to c&p her excellent guide to divorce and information sources, but in the meantime I'll just say it's important that your friend has confidence in her solicitor; it needs to be someone who is experienced in family law and who she is sure is 100% on her side (although preferably not deliberately confrontational!). Nothing should be agreed that has not been cleared by her legal advisers and, if appropriate (like, if they've got a business or lots of complicated assets), a financial adviser too. Don't believe a word the party of the second part says, even if they have always been honest up till now, and don't believe their legal adviser even if it is ever such a proper solicitor.

I'd add that there are many stages to a divorce, at any of which she can pause and consider if she's not sure she's doing the right thing. I'd get it trotting along for the time being, anyway.

[bertiebassett]

I've just started divorce proceedings...living in the same house. annie is right... it is shit. He's refusing to move out and refusing to sell his share of the house to me (he'd rather sell it to strangers than let me and DS stay).

However, I have a good solicitor, fabulous support from family and friends, and the knowledge that it can't go on for ever.

Life will get better.

[SpiderManMum]

Another one here just started the process too. Totally and utterly shit. As if the emotional side of accepting the marriage has ended isn't bad enough, you then have to endure months of screamingly frustrating 'negotiations' with a man who is neither reasonable nor has you and your DC's best interests at heart.

I always thought it was poor form for people to throw divorce parties but now I totally understand the need to celebrate when the hideous process is over.

Sorry, not much help to your friend, but she is certainly not alone.