This is going to be long, but I'm looking for some opinions.
Background: We've been married 5 years and have a 7.5 month old DD. Our first daughter was stillborn in March 2011. DH has suffered from depression for a long time and DD1's death exacerbated that.
I am currently at home with DD2, we live in the middle of nowhere with no public transport. We have one car between us, so if I want it then I have to drive DH to work, and then fetch him at the end of the day. I generally do this once or twice a week to go to baby groups. My mum drives 1.5 hours each way to see me once a week as well. We live 30 mins outside a city, where DH works.
Mum has been looking after the dog for a week while we went to visit PIL. She came down to get the dog without asking if we would take him to her because she knew we would have to drive 10 hours each way to PIL's. She then brought him back yesterday.
So, yesterday DH went to work as usual. Mum came down with the dog. My sister lives in the nearby city and phoned to say she was off sick and why didn't we come in? Mum, DD2 and I duly went in. I spoke to DH at some point before Mum arrived and said we were going to visit DSis and said 'so you might have to pick me up from hers after work'. I had the car seat, two bags and no coat, plus DD2. Mum keeps a buggy in her car, but it's not the one that the car seat goes on.
Mum wanted to go shopping in the city centre (6 miles from DH's work but in the wrong direction for heading home). We'd have been unable to get back to DSis's for 4.20ish (DH finishes work at 4 and it would take him about 20 mins to get to DSis's at that time of day), so I called him and asked him to either come and meet us in the city centre or wait at his work until Mum dropped me off when she was ready to go home. His work is on her way out of town, so that wasn't unreasonable. It would have been closer to 5.30 before she could drop me off, though. DH needs to build his flexi time back up and could perfectly well stayed at work, or, alternatively, come in to meet us if he wanted to leave at 4.
DH point blank refused to come and get me or wait because it would mean he got home later than usual/it would put him out to have to drive into the city centre - he suggested either Mum or DSis should drive me home, an hour's round trip for them. He said if that wouldn't work then I should get on a bus to his work, to be there for 4 o'clock. That would have meant leaving at 3.30 at the latest, so I couldn't have gone shopping with Mum and DSis. I also had DD, the car seat, which would have been v awkward to carry, and no coat or phone, because I've lost mine and haven't done anything about replacing it yet. After a conversation that basically boiled down to 'YABU - you come here', 'No, YABU, you come here', he hung up on me. At that point I asked DSis if I could borrow her car to get home in and she said yes. DH phoned at 4 (DSis's phone) to ask what I was doing and I said I would make my own way home. He didn't ask how, he just accepted it and said 'Okay, see you later'.
When I got home I was pleased with myself for driving DSis's car without mishap (ours is an automatic and it's a long time since I drove a manual), plus DD was needing fed and bathed. So I ignored the argument and spoke to DH as usual. He sulked a bit but gradually thawed out. As DD refused to go to bed until 10.30, the issue never really got discussed.
Today, Mum called to tell me she thinks his behaviour was emotional abuse.
Please can you advise me? Is DH being emotionally abusive? I know he was behaving like an arse, but he doesn't think so.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Reasonable requests/emotional abuse
AIBUHelpRequiredPlease · 24/10/2012 15:16
He has done similar things before. Mum reminded me that when I was 7 months pg with DD1 he refused to come across town to get me from a friend's and made me get the bus to meet him instead. She said that the point is that he embarrassed me in front of friends/family, and that it wasn't an unreasonable request on my part. He does seem to focus on the car/driving - he doesn't like driving out of his way and I do feel wary of asking him to come and get me. That said, he does it sometimes either without protest or with only minimal protest. 
He encourages me to drive others about less - for instance, he says friends are taking advantage of me if they ask for a lift home (eg I'll go to my sister's house and a mutual friend will ask me to take her home again afterwards, 20 mins in the wrong direction. DH says I shouldn't take her, and since DD2 is usually with me then I have taken to saying no).
He also doesn't like me making plans for the weekend, say, without consulting him first. It's not that I can't go, it's that he wants me to discuss it with him before committing myself.
See, this is it, Zippey. I find it hard to tell when I'm being unreasonable. Mum could very well just be being biased in my favour. She's wound me up to the point where I don't know what to think. I naturally don't want to think that DH is an EA twat, but I'm worried that I'm just closing my eyes to the problem. Mum says he shouldn't have expected me to forgo the shopping trip, or one of them to take me home, and that getting the bus was out of the question with so much stuff to carry.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.