how to aproach and over protective dad

[sezzie25779]

Hey everyonne.. so here is my problem, i have been with my bf for a little over 2 yrs we have 3 children between us i have a son who is 11 but is special needs ( ADHD ODD Tourettes and also incontinant) and also a daughter who is 15, he has a daughter who is 7 and i cant help but feel like i dred when his daughter comes to stay/sleep @ our home 3 x a week monday wednesday & friday, i know this seems pathetic but its the way he is with her that drives me nuts.
I tell myself he has a reason for the way he is (he had a still born son and 11 months later his daughter was born) but uses this as to why he panders to her every request.
Now i am a firm mum i like to think and tend not to give in all the time (altho if u ask BF he would say different) I think because my son has these needs that i need to be a bit more firm with him, so when i see him giving in all the time to his daughter it drives me nuts she only has to say "oh but please daddy2 and he says ok.
I have tried to talk to him about it but he gets upset and says i am jelous of the attention his daughter gets, which is rediculas and that i have never lost a child so i have no idea what he went through, not only this but i think he is over protective (again i can understand why but it still drives me nuts) i.e we went to asda one day and we were about to go in the shop she let go of his hand to which he over reacted by grabbing her hand and saying to her, u could be kidnapped stay with daddy, i later said that he is going to give her a comlex or an anxiety saying things like that... another example was my son wet her with a water pistol in the summer btw to which she came in screaming and crying that she was wet my bf shouted at my son that he could have give her pneumonnia because she already had a cough, so this caused a arguemet because 1 i dont shout @ his child and it made me angry he did with my son and 2 how over the top it was from a tiny bit of water.
She also askes every 2 mins where he is, even if he goes to the toilet or to the car and she tells him she loves him @ least 20 times a day which is nice but OTT at the same time and kisses his hand arm several times a stay.
I personally think because he is anxious that he is passing this anxiety onto his daughter but he wont have that said.
So i guess what i am asking is, how do i get him to see that all our children are as equals, we love them all the same, we should treat them the same, same rules for all of them, and altho i really do sympathise with his loss i dont think he should use it as a reason to give his daughter what seems to be an anxiety complex.

I really dont know if i am over reacting

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think you're being unreasonable about rules and especially not when it comes to your b/f shouting at your children. When you're in a relationship and/or are co-parenting various children, you may have different styles but it's really important you're consistent and you have the same standards. If she's an only child when with mum it's probably pretty daunting to be with a full-on water-pistol-squirting family ... I know my DS would have been in tears... but, again, a good parent would be encouraging her to join in rather than immediately having a go at others. If his DD is feeling insecure she will ask where he is all the time.

The best time to tackle this is when things are calm and there are no children causing problems. Top of the tree non-negotiable is that no-one shouts at anyone... If he has never dealt properly with the grief of the still-born son you can suggest counselling. For the rest, try to make it that you are agreeing standards of behaviour for all the children (like not giving into whining) rather than criticising his parenting specifically.

[gobbymare]

hiya Cogito, that was the only time he ever shouted @ my son so i forgave him, had it become a regular thing the relationship would nnot have carried on which i explained from the get go..
His daughter`s mothers also is in a relationship with a man who has 2 children and has been for a yr so she is used to being with other kids.
We gennerally do agree on the same rules when it comes to my children but not so when it comes to his daughter, hence the problem.
He point blank refuses to even concider councelling, unless the person councelling him has been through the loss of a still born, because he says no one can know how it feels unless they have delt with it themselves.
He just seems to take it as an attack @ his parenting skills or on his child, which hurts, and when he says something about my parenting skills i take it on board, because as we all know, we all make mistakes and sometimes it takes someone else to point them out.
Its nice to know that i am not being silly tho, because i thought that i was being touchy over it, as he is the first relationship i had after a 16 yr relationship, so Thankyou for putting my mind at ease and will try and talk to him.

[gobbymare]

Btw changed my name

[DistanceCall]

My aunt had two miscarriages and one stillborn baby before having my cousin. That boy NEVER EVER in his life hurt himself or fell while running or playing or really played with any other children because his parents were so extremely anxious and protective of him.

He is currently 21, in therapy, and really looks and sounds like a giggly version of Rain Man (he isn't autistic, he's just been extremely warped by the cocoon in which his parents trapped him throughout his entire life).

You partner is transferring his anxiety onto his daughter, yes, and damaging her (unwittingly, of course). He really should see a professional - there are people specialising in grief counselling. And if he thinks that no one can know what it feels like to lose a child, maybe you should tell him that, as a man, he cannot possibly understand what it is like to lose a child you have borne in your womb, and that doesn't make his pain or his understanding any lesser. Nobody can experience his pain because they are not him -- but they can understand it and help him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If he continues to give his daughter special treatment, won't entertain counselling and won't take any constructive criticism either, would you class that as a 'deal-breaker'? In any blended family, where it's sadly too easy to make accusations of favouritism, I think it's asking for trouble if one DC is not only getting very obvious special treatment but also has a parent openly blaming the other DCs. Your DCs are in the pre-teen/teen phase and if they start to resent the b/f DD dynamic and end up misbehaving, it wouldn't be fair on them