Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sex life grinding to a halt?

(13 Posts)
onceisneverenough Sat 20-Oct-12 19:48:31

I have name changed for this and also not to sure if I'm posting in the right section but hopeful that some of you lovely ladies can offer some wisdom.

I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 3 years now and we get on very well and both agree that we have a great relationship. However recently our sex drives just don't match up at all.
In the early stage of our relationship we were all over each other, like horny teenagers! And I loved it. We always managed to make time for sex. I know everybody has a honeymoon phase but I have been very happy with our sex life until quite recently, just about the past 6 months.

Our sex life suddenly dropped off to about once a fortnight, longer at some points. Me and DP have spoken about it and he says he just doesn't have the same libido as he used to and that he would be happy with about once a week (I don't know if it's relevant but he doesn't masturbate either and never really has during the 3 years we have been together). I have told him that really once a week is not enough for me and he has said we can try more often, but I feel bad wanting it if he doesn't. I've always been the one to instigate sex and don't want to be a raging sex pest if he's not in the mood!

I don't know if age is relevant to this but we are both in our mid 20's.
I have asked him if it is anything about me and he says its not and that he still finds me attractive. I haven't suddenly gained a lot of weight and nothing in our life has changed that I could really see affecting it, no extra stress etc. confused We do talk very openly and he says he honestly can't think of any reasons for it.

So what I'm asking really is, do you think this is normal? Is it something that we will just have to meet in the middle with?

RobynRidingHood Sat 20-Oct-12 19:50:43

I'd think there were underlying health issues; heart, BP, diabetes or even stress at work. All are big factors in libido, especially for men who are reluctant to see doctors if they can avoid it.

MamaMary Sat 20-Oct-12 19:53:16

Can't say if it's normal or not, but I have read many other threads in Relationships where this has happened. So it's definitely not uncommon.

I'd feel the same way as you, once. Sorry, not much advice to give.

Fairylea Sat 20-Oct-12 19:55:03

I think for mid 20s it's unusual... but for some people it is normal to have a lower libido in a long term relationship.

I'd try and talk to him again and see if you can reach a compromise. Once a week is not very much at all if you are young and horny!

Having said that if a woman was posting saying she was tired and her dh was saying once a week wasn't enough sex I think the dh would be flamed...

Different sex drives is a huge problem.

onceisneverenough Sat 20-Oct-12 21:34:04

Thanks for the replies. I have spoken to him again and he has agreed to go to the doctor, he hasn't been in over 2 years so I really think he could do with it being checked out, especially if it could be something more serious.

I feel a bit nervous now that every time we do have sex he will not be doing it for his enjoyment or because he wants to but only doing it because I have raised the issue with him IYSWIM.

Opentooffers Sat 20-Oct-12 22:08:23

Seems a bit unusual at his age so GP is a good start. Also variety to keep things alive - not just in the bedroom - setting the mood is important too. Doing different things together generally and avoiding routine. Surprise tokens of appreciation etc. Something pleasant and unexpected now and again. Strange if just in the last 6 months and not an issue before, could he have something on his mind that he is reluctant to talk about? Try however, not to take it personally, it's no reflection on you. I wonder if he has experience of beingn like this with other relationships at this stage? It could be psychological as well as physical

Helltotheno Sat 20-Oct-12 22:56:49

Or alternatively that could just be his libido OP, and maybe if your libidos are mismatched at this stage, before you have kids etc (or do you already?), you should move on, that is assuming he finds nothing at the GP he can do anything about. Probably better than trying to make something happen that probably isn't going to.

In answer to your question about libidos, there's no right answer, there are low, medium and high libidos in people of all ages.

blueshoes Sat 20-Oct-12 23:45:53

Does he still masturbate?

onceisneverenough Sat 20-Oct-12 23:53:22

I don't think it would be anything he isn't telling me, he is usually pretty open about things. I'm not sure with regards to it happening in other relationships as he has never been in a relationship for any substantial of time before me.

I don't really know if its psychological or physical, its not so much that he CAN'T its more that recently he has much less desire to try do anything sexual in the first place.

We don't have any children, however we are getting married soon. I cant say that for me the sex would be a big enough issue to give up on the entire relationship as every other aspect is exactly what I want and I am totally in love with him.

onceisneverenough Sat 20-Oct-12 23:56:24

No he doesn't masturbate at all, he never really has. Before I had assumed it was because we were having very regular sex.

OneMoreChap Sun 21-Oct-12 19:52:53

I liked Is it something that we will just have to meet in the middle with?

No, you have sex when you both want to. If a man said "Well, we'll compromise, and do it less than I want but more than she wants..."

If it's not enough... then discuss alternatives; you talk so that's a huge start.

Helltotheno Sun 21-Oct-12 19:56:12

The fact that he doesn't masturbate suggests to me that he probably just has a low libido OP, that it's just one of those things. Of course he could be gay, asexual, have had a negative experience in childhood etc but in all honesty, I believe people should make their decisions based on the situation as is, rather than banking on the situation changing through asking the person to do stuff to change it, iyswim.

So basically now, before you get married, is the time you want to give this lots and lots of thought and then think about it some more. If you do decide to marry him, just be aware the current situation of once a week--not awful I'd say--could drop down to once a year, and the question for you is, are you prepared for that?

Hope it works out smile

deliasmithy Sun 21-Oct-12 20:38:00

IMO once a week is not "grinding to a halt" - though I guess that depends whether it has stabilised or you feel it is gradually getting less often.

Also IMO, I think libido varies - its often much higher in the earlier days of a relationship, there are different hormones involved, theres a lot of lust, etc.

For some people, sex is a huge part of their relationship, and for some it's not. I don't think it's consistent or everyone either. I know that depending on life pressures etc I can vary in my level of interest.

It's good that you can talk to each other about it, though it sounds as though you need to be open about your feelings and worries.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now