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Signs of aggression in new man

(19 Posts)
MakeMeReal Fri 19-Oct-12 17:32:03

I left an abusive relationship 2 years ago. I'm wondering if this has made me ultra sensitive to any type of aggression of if I genuinly have something to be concerned about. So anyway man and I were at a gig, got a few drinks down him and he started mouthing off about music snobs who were not showing enough respect to the band. This was the first sign - later in the night he took my drink off me and drank it - I thought that was a bit rude? We got home and I asked him if he was having second thoughts about something we had been planning as he indictated earlier in the night that he was. He got quite aggressive and started saying stuff like "why did I? What did I say then? Tell me what I said then" but it was almost as if he was 'squaring upto me' when he said it. We were actually sat down but does it sound ridiculous to say he seemed to be sticking his chest out a bit?? putting out a bit of the alpha male persona? I was uncomfortable enough to tell him I felt he was getting aggressive and I couldn't talk to him whilst that was the case. He backed off immediately and softened his body language. I'm now concerned that he has form for getting agressive when drunk?

troubador Fri 19-Oct-12 17:33:42

i'd break it off in your shoes

fiventhree Fri 19-Oct-12 17:35:13

He sounds aggressive. Definitely bin. Not good on a first date is it?

MakeMeReal Fri 19-Oct-12 17:35:29

If it's relevant, he tells me his ex wife was a shouter, aggressive and physically violent - so maybe he's used to big blow up rows and this was nothing more than a raised voice conversation for him?

MakeMeReal Fri 19-Oct-12 17:36:04

It wasn't a first date, we've been together 3 months and have seen each other 3 times a week since we met.

troubador Fri 19-Oct-12 17:36:46

Isn't slagging off a previous partner supposed to be a red flag or something? Why would he even say that about her?

OneMoreGo Fri 19-Oct-12 17:37:47

Or maybe his ex was driven craaaaazy by his behaviour and ended up lashing out in frustration or self defence. You never really hear both sides. In your position, I would run like the fucking wind. Because it's so early on, and these are such obvious and unpleasant reg flags. I wouldn't stick around and hope to be proved wrong, too risky.

tschiffely Fri 19-Oct-12 17:39:40

I wouldn't care if that was how he and his ex fought, he is agressive and you obviously have concerns. Bin him.

pictish Fri 19-Oct-12 17:43:55

According to Women's Aid - the vast majority of women who have behaved violently and aggressively in their relationships are they themselves the victims of domestic abuse.
So if she shouted and used violence there is every chance she was retaliating to the very same.
Just saying.

queenofthepirates Fri 19-Oct-12 17:48:10

Do you feel you can tell him how his behaviour makes you feel? He might be genuinely unaware and surprised.

MakeMeReal Fri 19-Oct-12 17:52:24

He knows I was in a violent relationship previously, I told him (maybe I shouldn't have?) and he never seems that interested when I talk about it. He often changes the subject in fact or acts like it's no big deal.

I did ask him if he ever retaliated to his ex's violence and he said only once in 18 years, he pushed her. But I suppose he's hardly going to say "yeah I beat the shit out of her on a number of occasions" is he?

But I don't want to go through life being so mistrusting. I want to believe I'm over-reacting I suppose.

janelikesjam Fri 19-Oct-12 18:03:29

Well, it sounds like you want more "evidence" but you have certain instincts and maybe some evidence already, so you could proceed I suppose - but I would be very wary.

Who people trust is a difficult question. It is all very well to want to love and be loved and trust people, but the world can be a dangerous place IMO, and I think we have to choose who we can trust and confide in, and build that trust carefully. And the weaker your position (health, money, gender, having dependants, difficult history, being isolated) or the more sensitive you are, I personally believe the slower one should trust. Trust is meant to be earned.

That said, we often do get gut instincts when we first meet people, or very early on, so I think that is very important - something you are doing now anyway.

Good luck. p.s. I still don't get why he drank your drink, odd.

Edofthe13prams Fri 19-Oct-12 18:08:04

Everything about him sounds rubbish.

Get rid NOW

neuroticmumof3 Fri 19-Oct-12 23:22:49

Trust your instincts! They are there for a reason. I work with women in abusive relationships and ALL of them identified red flags early on or had gut feelings that something was wrong.

olgaga Fri 19-Oct-12 23:26:16

Please don't see this man again. It'll be a green light for more of the same. Trust me. Trust yourself!

Stay away from him.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Fri 19-Oct-12 23:27:02

I don't like the sound the sound of him

at best, he's a bit of an arrogant prick isn't he ?

do you want to be with an arrogant prick ?

I am sure you do better than that

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Fri 19-Oct-12 23:27:09


HissyByName Sat 20-Oct-12 00:35:10

This man is abusive.

Its3m in, and he's scaring you.

End it now!

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 20-Oct-12 00:51:44

I echo other posters - just don't like the sound of him. Not one bit.

It's a small thing but the taking your drink and drinking it is really dodgy. It's not respecting what is yours, taking something as if he's entitled. You are not long-term intimate, so you would naturally share these things. It also makes me concerned he might have issues with drink, I have had times where I've been drinking 'in the wrong way' and I've drained dh's glass when mine is empty.

I might be reading too much into this so please feel free to ignore that overanalysis of something apparently small.

However, in the context, I think it's a bad sign.

Also, admitting to shoving someone... it's a new relationship and I think if he is 'owning up' to this, he has likely done much worse.


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