Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can I forgive his online cheating ?

(12 Posts)
Jacobanddaisysmummy Fri 19-Oct-12 09:53:11

Hi there just a little background on me before I go into my issue

I'm 23 With two kids from a previous relaionship

been with my new partner for 8 months. We knew each other 5 years ago when we worked together for a short time and stayed in contact. Got close after I split with my kids dad. Met up and clicked straight away and we both fell in love preety Quick

Basically a few weeks ago I looked at his Facebook on his phone when he left it on charge in the kitchen. I wet straight to messages (kind of an instant thing to look as my ex was a major cheater) he was messaging a woman he used to know when he lived in a different area a year or so ago. Quite rude things like are you naked I'm "playing" and thinking of you and "we could sneak off"

I instantly confronted him and he was shocked and so sorry straight away he said it was stupid and he doesn't even know why he did it

He suffers from depression hugely to the point he's been referred for behaviour therapy to help him think differently. He has major self esteem issues along with health issues backpain and M.E. he said he did it to "feel good" but why didn't he come to me.

We have barely had sex at all in the last two months. Once a week or so ago but he couldn't "finish" due to his medication. What I don't get is why can't he flirt or have
Sex with me but he can message her?? He deleted her off his Facebook and said hell never be so stupid again and if he does I'll have permission to chop his nuts off lol thing is what if he thinks I won't find out?? I know he's depressed and I'm trying to help but I cant get it out of my head. I love him so much I can't even
Describe it. :-( will i ever forget this?? Help??

Thanks and sorry it's long x

puds11 Fri 19-Oct-12 10:02:44

It really bothers me when people use depression as a reason for cheating. Depression does not make you cheat!

It is solely up to you to you to decide if you can forgive and forget, and i would say that only if you can truly do this, will your relationship stand a chance.

Personally after only 8months i would be showing him the door.

Besom Fri 19-Oct-12 10:16:06

Sorry this has happened to you. What exactly are you getting from this relationship though?

Agree that depression has nothing to do with it and wouldn't make him behave like this.

So he is cheating on you and the sex is rubbish. You've only been together for a very short time and you are young with your whole life ahead. I know what I would do - get rid and stop wasting any more of my precious time. I know it's not always as easy as that when you're in the midst of it though.

Best wishes to you whatever you decide to do.

Jacobanddaisysmummy Fri 19-Oct-12 10:27:52

Thanks, it just kinda feels like we've known each
Other our whole lives and just click. I first thought nope I'm not doing this again and was ready to show him the door then he explained and I kinda thought ok it wasn't physical and maybe it is because he's
Depressed but now three weeks on I'm thinking now that can't be used as an excuse it's all I've thought about for three weeks straight. So so confused :-( and worried what will happen if we were to split because of his mental health :-(((((

puds11 Fri 19-Oct-12 10:33:38

As harsh as it sounds though, he is not your responsibility. You need to think about yourself and your own health. You should never have to stay with someone just because you are worried about what they might do. I am saying this out of love, i from experience that it can be easier said than done, but if you are unhappy, that should come first.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 19-Oct-12 10:34:33

Eight months? Shouldn't you both still be at each other like rabbits?!

He is probably using online cheating as a coping mechanism for his issues but equally it could also be a cover.

Frankly, I wouldn't bother staying around.

Jacobanddaisysmummy Fri 19-Oct-12 10:39:03

That's what my friends say.... Were still in the honeymoon period and should be always at it at every opportunity i never had a
Big sex drive with my ex but he did. Now I have a
Huge drive and want it all the time but he doesn't because of his medication he just doesn't feel "sexual" and because of back pain
It hurts if we do so he dreads it. But he felt sexual enough to message another woman graphic stuff :-(
I just don't know what to do sad thanks so much everyone. Xxx

ClippedPhoenix Fri 19-Oct-12 10:40:00

You aren't responsible for him or his wellbeing if you split you know and if he tries to put that on you he's worse than he already is which is a cheating little weazle in my book.

Kick him out and concentrate on your kids.

Jacobanddaisysmummy Fri 19-Oct-12 10:48:44

Thank you x

Strawhatpirate Fri 19-Oct-12 10:48:56

To me 8months should still be the honeymoon. I would have a bit of a break from him to decide what you want to do but I'm inclined to say leave the bastatd. I think the main points to consider is 1 do you honestly believe he wasn't going to act on his chats to the OW. 2 will you ever be able to trust him again?
Good luck in whatever you decide.

Jacobanddaisysmummy Fri 19-Oct-12 10:52:03

I was just thinking maybe a break is needed. I do love him but
Your right I'm not sure I'll ever trust again and I have
No idea if he would act on it but hoping he
Wouldn't of. I think I already know my answer :-( thanks all x

Lovingfreedom Fri 19-Oct-12 11:07:45

8 months in....too much hassle. Probably won't get better from here with this guy. Messages to ow sound seedy. Personally too I'd let him sort out his depression and issues first rather than getting lumbered. Doesn't sound like enough fun or sex in it for you from what I'm reading.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now